


Freshman Year

by TheIfInLife



Series: I Hear Symphonies In My Head [1]
Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Bottom Louis, Bullying, Elounor and Gryles aren't end game or really serious at all don't let it turn you away, Eventual Smut, Fluff, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, Innocent Louis, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Masturbation, Slow Build, Virgin Louis, Wet Dream
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-21
Updated: 2015-04-27
Packaged: 2018-02-18 04:44:42
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 46,081
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2335790
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheIfInLife/pseuds/TheIfInLife
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Louis is not in love with anyone. Harry is in love with the wrong one. Zayn is in love with Louis’ best friend, Niall, who always thought he was straight. Liam is the glue that is trying to hold them all together.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Freshman Year First Semester

**Author's Note:**

> This is a work I did for the Bottom Louis Fic Exchange that turned out to be way more massive than I originally planned! I hope you like it!

Louis was hyperventilating. He stood in front of the building, trying to gather the courage to go inside. All around him people were filing in, talking excitedly or in some cases, angrily. C’mon Louis don’t be a baby. He told himself confidently striding to the door and flinging it open. This was it, his first day of high school.

Immediately upon entering, Louis went to the table that his friends from middle school sat at They all had agreed to meet up and brave this out together.

“Loueh!” Niall yelled excitedly as Louis approached the table. As soon as Louis sat, Niall began talking a mile a minute. “Louis, this is Liam. I met him over at the vending machines. Liam, this is my best friend, Louis Tomlinson. Our moms met at a lamaz class so we’ve known each other since the womb.”

The Liam kid looked to Louis, eyes wide and worried. Jesus, this kid was in a worse state than Louis was. The weak, “Hi.” That Liam squeaked out proved that.

“Hi,” Louis mumbled back, trying not to stare at the boy. His feelings towards boys had started to confuse Louis. His mom kept saying things about girlfriends so Louis thought maybe that would change once he found a girl he liked.

Just as a few other people that he knew had arrived, the five minute warning bell went off. Liam was out of his seat and down the hall in the blink of an eye.

“Tommo, you’re in English 203 right?” Niall asked, accent as thick as if he’d just come straight over from Ireland.

“Yeah,” Louis was trying to keep calm. “Meet you after class?”

“Yup!” With that, Niall was gone, skipping off happily to meet more people. Louis wished he could be like that.

He clutched his binder tight to his chest, triple checked that he was indeed about to enter English 203, and walked into the classroom. Louis chose the seat directly in the middle of the classroom. Not up front, that would make him look like an overachiever. But sitting in the back would make him look like a slacker or socially awkward. The middle was good, the middle was average. He was average. Just your average fourteen year old.

“Hi.” The boy in front of him had turned around and was now smiling widely at him.

“H-Hi.” Louis was internally cursing himself because; did he really have to sit behind this gorgeous boy? His cheeks were aflame as he told himself to keep his eyes on the green ones in front of him not the boy’s lips. Cause that’d be totally gay. “Your hair’s really curly.” Fuck, did he really just say that?

The boy laughed and Louis was floored. This boy even had dimples. Fucking dimples.

“’M Harry.”

“Louis.” He breathed, cheeks still a bright red.

And that was it. Louis had made a friend and without Niall’s help whatsoever. Not that he ever really needed Niall’s help to make friends; it was just that Niall was so bubbly while Louis was just obnoxious and slightly nervous when it came to the male side of things.

At lunch that day, the four of them sat together, Louis, Niall, Harry, and Liam. Before the hour was up, they’d all moved to sit by a boy who was sitting alone. “’M Zayn.” And that was all that they’d gotten out of him, but they’d vowed to continue sitting by him until he told them not too.

Overall, the day, and high school in general was not as scary as everyone had made it out to be. Louis’d gotten through all of his classes and managed to make three new friends. By Louis’ standards, it was a pretty great day. Plus, he’d only managed to get lost twice. And his mom was waiting for him at home, practically showering him in praise, which is not really the norm. Not that she’s not a good mom; she’s a great mom, just kind of on the strict side of things. Anyway, Louis totally thinks this whole ‘high school’ thing will be awesome.

-

A little over a month later, not much had changed. Louis wasn’t getting lost at all anymore and he’d settled into the high school life. There was more homework in high school but Liam kept him accountable enough that he was doing okay, to his mother’s relief.

He’d heard over the announcement the previous day that the football tryouts were coming up at the end of the week, as were the auditions for the school musical. Normally, Louis would just blow off the theatrical productions and pretend like that wasn’t his thing. Except. The musical they were putting on this year was Grease and that was easily Louis’ most favorite movie of all time. But at the same time, he loved football, had been a part of a team since his toddler years.

He was standing at the activities board, holding a flyer for the football team and a flyer for the musical in either hand, looking between them. He was really torn. Last year in middle school, he was co-captain of the football team so maybe he should go with that. Or, since he’s never done a legit musical, maybe he should try that, just to get the experience. Louis huffed angrily, absolutely torn.

Suddenly a hand roughly grabbed his shoulder. Louis tensed, wincing in pain.

“Tommo.” He recognized the voice as one of his teammates from his middle school football team. “Joining the team again? Tryouts are on Friday – is that the musical flyer? That better be for your girlfriend, Tomlinson.”

Louis hesitated, gulping loudly. He wanted to come up with some awesome excuse or something to reassure this guy that he wasn’t thinking of trying out for the musical but all the words he could or should have had, flew from his mind.

“Louis,” The guy, Chris, Louis remembered, leaned down, whispering in his ear and gripping his shoulder even harder. “Get rid of that and be in the gym on Friday. I won’t have a faggot on my team.”

With that, he shoved Louis away from him, walking away as Louis collided with the activities board and fell to the ground. Louis’ flyers slipped from his hands, floating through the air before they settled on the cold floor. He wanted to yell after Chris, tell him that he shit at football and probably wouldn’t even make the team. Instead, he grabbed at the two flyers, breathing heavily so that he wouldn’t start crying right there in the middle of the hallway.

Louis’d just gotten himself straightened out, standing back up, when he felt another hand on his shoulder, much softer this time. He turned to see Liam’s soft, warm brown eyes looking sympathetically at him.

“Hey, he’s a jerk, don’t worry about him.” Liam said, helping Louis sort out his papers.

“Thanks.” Louis was blushing, embarrassed that Liam had even seen him like that. Chris had always been one to give Louis a bit of trouble, although it was never as bad a calling him…that. Or shoving him around. That had never happened before. This was all the more reason why he was absolutely mortified that Liam had witnessed that.

“I’ve learned that if you don’t do anything to provoke them, you’re safe for a little while.” Liam whispered and Louis couldn’t help but gasp slightly.

“Does that…happen to you often?” Louis asked timidly as they roamed the halls together, waiting for the five minute warning bell to ring.

“Well…I mean, not often. Not this year anyway. It was pretty bad last year.” Liam shrugged as if getting bullied weren’t a big deal.

“Hey,” Louis said seriously. “If anyone ever gives you trouble, I’ll – “

“You’ll what, Louis? Beat them up? Say something to them? Like how you just did back there with that guy?”

Louis’ head snapped up, “Fuck you.” And then Louis turned and ran away from Liam because that was un-fucking-called for. All Louis was trying to do was comfort his friend or someone who he thought was his friend. But that fucking stung.

Liam was calling after Louis, running after him. People were staring but Louis didn’t care. He didn’t slow down and eventually, Liam stopped trying to chase him. It may have been overly dramatic to spend the rest of the time until school officially started, locked in a bathroom stall of the most secluded bathroom of the school but Louis didn’t have any fucks to give. And if he shed a few silent tears, well, no one would ever know.

He wasn’t holed up in the bathroom for too long before the five minute warning bell sounded throughout the school and Louis wiped at his face, trudging to his English class. For the first time since meeting Harry, Louis was dreading going to the English class they had together. He didn’t want to have to face Harry knowing he couldn’t hide the fact that he was upset. Harry would catch on, Louis knew he would. Thankfully though, when Louis got to class, Harry hadn’t arrived yet. In fact, he showed his face just three seconds before the bell rang, signaling the start of class. Louis breathed a sigh of relief, knowing he was off the hook at least until class was over.

Harry, ever the observer, immediately turned to Louis as all the other students were filing out of the room after class had ended. For a few moments, Harry just sat there, studying Louis as he was pulling his bag over his shoulder. This of course, Louis’ cheeks turned bright red under the curly boy’s attention.

“Something’s eating at you.” It wasn’t even a question. Harry had just stated it as simply as if he’d stated that the sky was blue. Apparently Louis really was that easy for Harry to read. That thought excited and terrified Louis at the same time.

Louis didn’t respond. He just started heading towards the door. He felt like he was being really dramatic about the whole thing, that he felt his emotions in a feminine way. It didn’t make sense to him really, he tried to be masculine. He strived for masculinity but Louis always felt insecure about how feminine he came off as. He was just an emotional guy and nothing could change that.

Ignoring Harry wasn’t his purpose when he didn’t respond, it was more the fact that he was still massively upset over what happened and then what Liam said to make things worse, and he wasn’t good with talking about his feelings so he didn’t respond. Even still, he knew that Harry would press him about it. He’d do it out of concern, that genuine, lovely fuck.

In the month that he’d known Harry, they’d become almost as close as he and Niall were. It surely felt like he’d known the curly lad all of his life. Even still, things were just…different with Harry. They just got each other. Louis couldn’t find the words to describe it.

“Lou!” Harry had long limbs and even if Louis was taller. He couldn’t run from Harry like he ran from Liam early that day. Or maybe he just didn’t want to. “Louis what’s wrong?”

“Nothing Harold. I’m fine.” Louis attempted to brighten things with a bit of humor. When Louis couldn’t meet Harry’s eye, he pushed even further.

“Please don’t lie to me.”

Something in Harry’s tone made Louis soften a little. He sighed, taking down the wall and letting Harry in just a little. “Just don’t want to talk about it, Haz.”

“Is it…Are you upset with me?” Not even the cutesy nickname had deterred Harry.

“No!” Louis replied a bit too quickly, probably also a bit too loudly. Louis was stopped, as they were at the door of his classroom. “It’s just…been a rough morning’s all.”

“Okay well I’m sorry for whatever’s got you down.” Harry pulled Louis into a hug and Louis honestly felt a little bit better. “Love you Lou.”

After that, he left. Louis stood there, right in the doorway of his classroom, staring after Harry like he’d seen a ghost while simultaneously feeling like he’d won the lottery. He’d never said that to Louis before. Like Harry’s obviously straight and so is Louis but they’d even said they loved each other as friends. Maybe Louis was overthinking it; he had a tendency to do that kind of thing. Either way though, it didn’t stop the warm feeling from spreading through his body.

Louis’d managed to avoid Liam up until lunch. As he walked over to their usual table, tray in hand, his stomach twisted with nervousness. He sat down, the last of the five in their group to arrive.

“Louis,” Liam had started in immediately, stopping the conversation he was having with Zayn. “I’m sorry, please just – “

“It’s whatever, Liam.” Louis interrupted, trying to brush it off. Even more nervousness swirled around inside of Louis. He really, really didn’t want to have this conversation. He hoped Liam would take the hint.

“But you have to understand, I was – “ Apparently Liam did not get the hint. He was looking at Louis with desperate, pleading eyes. It almost looked as if the boy were about to cry. Louis would feel bad for what he was about to say if he wasn’t still upset with him.

“No, I don’t have to do anything. Like excuse me for trying to help – you know what? I’m not doing this.”

“What’s going on?” Niall asked over the food in his mouth. It was then that Louis realized that their other three friends were glancing confusedly between the two of them.

“Louis’ upset because – “

“Because you’re a dick, that’s bloody why!” Louis burst out. He has never really been the confrontational type of person, he exploded at him mainly to get him to just shut up about it. It was bad enough that Liam had seen what he saw, he didn’t want his other friends to know about it too.

“What’d you do?” Harry demanded from Liam, looking like a mother protecting her young. That in itself calmed Louis just a bit, feeling immensely pleased that Harry would stand up for him.

“Well I saw – “

“That’s not why I’m mad at you, it’s what you said.” Louis interrupted yet again, desperately trying to keep from people, his friends, finding out that someone was giving him trouble and he was weak enough to take it.

“Louis, let him speak, Jesus.” Zayn piped up fiercely, stunning them all into silence.

“I saw him at the activities board and then – “ Liam was just trying to explain himself, he obviously wasn’t getting that Louis would rather shave his head than have this conversation, especially in front of people.

“Liam, please don’t.” Louis looked pleadingly to Liam, no trace of anger even in his voice anymore. He could feel the lump in his throat rising, his appetite vanished.

“Let him say his side, Louis!” Niall exclaimed and Louis was done. Obviously no one could see that Louis was very uncomfortable, either that or they just didn’t care. So fuck them.

“Jesus, some fucking prick saw me looking at the Grease flyers and called me a faggot! There are you fucking happy now?” Louis rose from his seat, voice rising with it. “Liam just rubbed it in and I really didn’t want to talk about it, but excuse the fuck out of me, let Liam talk!”

Louis wasn’t going to cry, he really wasn’t. Except maybe he was. So he fled from the cafeteria as fast as he possibly could, ignoring all the students staring at him. This was officially the worst day ever. He could vaguely hear Harry calling after him, well maybe they all were calling after but he heard Harry’s voice over the crowd. Even still, he didn’t stop.

He ran back to the class he had for lunch period, waiting in the empty room for lunch to be over. The lights were off, Louis just sitting there in the dark, wiping furiously at his eyes. He could not stress about how much he hated crying and being emotional. It made him girly and he hated that.

Throughout the rest of the day, he had no motivation to care about school. He just sat in his classes willing the time to pass as fast as possible. Louis was a master at avoidance. Instead of riding the bus home, he caught a ride with one of the kids that he sort of knew that lived in his neighborhood. Normally, he rode the bus home with Zayn but he really didn’t want to have to deal with Zayn silently judging him.

Once he got home, he had to watch his sisters since Jay had to take another late shift at the hospital. She’d taken a lot more late shifts since Mark left, they paid better. Sometimes Louis wonders if she also just likes to get away from the five reminders of him that lived in her house. At dinner, Louis stared at the chair that Mark used to sit at, trying to remember the last time they all sat together happily. Part of him was still waiting for Mark to come through the door and take his seat even though he knew that his dad never would.

Louis’d immersed himself into his homework after dinner. If he didn’t have good grade, Jay may literally kill him. Not really, but he would be in a shit load of trouble.

“Louis, Niall is here, do you want me to send him up?” Lottie yelled from downstairs.

Louis sighed. He’d had some time to think over what had happened and he decided that he wouldn’t hold a grudge against Niall or Zayn. They were just trying to understand what was happening between their friends. He was still kind of mad at Liam though, what he said was still uncalled for.

“Yeah!” Louis yelled down to his little sister. He shut his maths book and pushed it aside as he heard the Irish lad trudging up the stairs.

“Lou?” Niall knocked timidly. Louis grunted his answer, watching as Niall slowly opened the door and stepped into the room and shut the door behind him. “I’m sorry about today.”

“It’s okay,” Louis answered honestly. “I overreacted.”

“No, I should’ve had your back. You’re my best friend. Since the womb.”

“Yeah,” Louis smiled, he loved Niall. There was no doubt in his mind that he and Niall would be best friends for the rest of their lives. He could picture the two of them, all old and wrinkly, Niall telling their grandkids, who were also best friends, that they were best friends since the womb.

“And why haven’t I known that you liked to act? I feel like a terrible best friend.” Niall pouted, shoving Louis playfully as he sat next to him on his bed.

“It’s just,” Louis began, treading waters carefully. “It’s kind of a girly thing and I don’t know it’s just, I don’t know, I haven’t told anyone.”

“Mate, you know I love you no matter what, even if you are – “

“Yeah, I know. But like, I’m not gay so. Like the theater is filled with birds and in some plays I get to kiss them and stuff. It’s all pretty heterosexual.”

Louis doesn’t really know why he’s panicking. He’s obviously straight. Sure he can recognize that Channing Tatum is super fucking sexy and god, don’t even get him started on Zac Efron. But yeah, that’s totally normal for a straight guy. Niall, after a few moments of terrifying silence, spoke up.

“I might just have to go out for Grease then.” And then they’re both laughing and everything is okay.

The next day at school, Liam gives him a card and a chocolate bar. He pulled Louis aside for a moment alone. At first Louis was reluctant but he figured if Liam was trying this hard to apologize, he might as well give him a chance.

“Here, I uh, I’m really sorry. I just. I hate when people pity me or make me feel like I’m too weak to take care of myself. So I got defensive about what you said and I’m sorry.” Liam was nearly in tears and suddenly, Louis realized he could relate. He and Liam were a lot more alike than he originally thought. Liam was the kind of guy who had to have everything perfect, he worked hard for everything. Louis worked hard for things too, but he worked hard to stay afloat while Liam worked hard to stay on the top. They were alike. If the rules were reversed, Louis probably would have done the same thing that Liam did.

“It’s okay, Li.” Louis said, accepting the card and chocolate, and then he pulled Liam into a hug. It probably looked gay but at that moment, Louis didn’t care. “I’m sorry I made you feel weak or like you can’t handle it.”

And that was the end of the friend drama which was a huge weight lifted off of Louis’ shoulders. But he was still conflicted about what he was going to do about football and the musical. It was Wednesday which meant that he had one day to decide if he wanted to audition for Grease on Thursday or the football team on Friday. He honestly had no idea what he was going to do.

“Do you want to come over tonight?” Louis asked as the pair roamed the halls after school had ended. Harry’d already been over to his house twice but asking still made Louis nervous.

“Sure! I’ll see if my mom can drop me off when I get off of the bus. If not, I’ll text you. Or, I’ll text you anyway.” Harry looked to Louis, biting his lip and blushing. For a moment, Louis didn’t have any words to say, the look on Harry’s face had stolen all the words he was about to say.

“Okay,” Louis himself had started blushing massively because he couldn’t get ahold of himself. “Okay. Well um, bye!”

Every time he was around Harry, he would get these weird feelings and he didn’t know what they meant, much less what he should do about it. It really freaked him out. He was kind of starting to wonder if maybe something was wrong with him. As he walked out to his own bus, he thought about what Harry would think of him if he tried out for the musical. Not that what Harry thought about him really mattered to Louis, he just cared. Or something.

“Hey mate.” Zayn had said to Louis when he plopped down next to him on the bus. Louis smiled to himself when he thought about how shy Zayn was when they first met and how much he’d come out of his shell.

“Hey Z.” Normally Louis would try to keep up a conversation with him, but Louis was still so caught up on Harry and the decision he had to make very soon about the musical and the football team.

“So,” Zayn said a few minutes into their ride home. He was timidly twiddling his thumbs in his lap, voice barely audible. “You and Niall are best friends right?”

“Yeah…” Why would Zayn even ask that? Obviously he and Niall were best friends.

“I’ve heard he’s quite the match maker.” Zayn said off-handedly.

“Where are you going with this?” Louis didn’t mean to sound rude, he just didn’t want to beat around the bush for ten minutes like he knew they would if he didn’t just get it out of Zayn.

“My parents are hounding me about finding a girlfriend. Do you think he could set me up with someone?” Even through the blush, Zayn was unusually confident.

“I’d think so, yeah.” It was quiet for the rest of their bus ride to their houses. He was glad that Jay didn’t really pressure him into a relationship. She’d talked about relationships with him but only so he’d know that he could come to her for that kind of stuff when the time came.

Harry didn’t lie, he was texting Louis nonstop (not that Louis wasn’t tremendously pleased). Louis was surfing through his social media when Harry texted that he was on his way. Which, Louis started panicking. It wasn’t that he’d never had Harry over. But his mom was there and so were his sisters those other two times. This time they’d be completely alone which had Louis nervous. Not that he thought anything bad would happen – Louis literally stopped and started banging his head against the wall. He was so damn confused about everything. Why was he feeling all these things?

Finally though, Louis managed to pull himself together just in time to answer the door for Harry.

“Hey,” Louis smiled warmly, letting Harry inside.

“Hey Lou.” Harry smiled back. Behind Harry, a gust of cool air blew inside, making Louis shiver. “You cold? Do you want my jumper?”

“This is my house, Harry. I have plenty of jumpers upstairs.” He teased, not menacingly of course. He loved the game that he and Harry played. Either Harry would blush adorably (boys could think other boys were adorable right?) or he would come up with a witty reply, daring Louis to say something back. And Louis loved a challenge.

“Oh, right, yeah.” Harry's cheeks flushed a deep red and Louis’ throat ran dry. If boys were allowed to call each other beautiful, he’d tell Harry right then. But instead,

“’S alright, Curly, I think your jumper would be too big on me anyways.” They’d migrated to the living room, Louis plopping himself on the couch.

“It’d look perfect on you.” Harry laid on the couch too (big family, big couch) and Louis wanted to touch him. Like was thinking of ways that he could brush Harry’s arm or his curls and – no that is creepy. No Louis.

“What are your two favorite things in the world?” Louis asked, mostly to distract himself from the thoughts he was having about Harry. That and the fact that he actually needed advice.

“Music and people.” He answered instantly. “Why?”

“And what if you had to choose between those two?”

“Is this about the musical and football?” Well apparently Louis had failed at being discreet about this.

“Just answer.”

“Well,” Harry said after a few moments of contemplation. “I’d do everything in my power to try to have both. But if I absolutely couldn’t, I’d choose people because people make me the happiest.”

Louis was stuck. They both made him happy. He just wished that someone would make the decision for him. Obviously that wouldn’t happen though. He just hated that his high school career was riding on this decision.

“Do you want me to tell you what I’d do if I were you?” Harry asked, nudging his foot against Louis’. It takes Louis a second too long to nod his confirmation. Louis was expecting Harry to say, ‘play football, Louis, it’s what men do.’ Instead, Harry says, “I’d try out for both and take it from there.”

“But what if I get into both? Then I’d be in the same boat that I’m in now. Or even worse!” Louis gasped dramatically. “What if I don’t make it in either?! That’d be humiliating!” Louis was on the verge of a panic attack.

“Hey, c’mon it’ll be okay. Niall told me that you were co-captain of the Raiders last year, there’s no way you won’t get in. And I’ve heard you sing before, you have an amazing voice, choir boy’s honor.”

“You’re not even in choir.” Louis rolled his eyes but he was smiling like an idiot.

“I was in sixth grade! And I was thinking about trying out next semester.” Harry stuck his tongue out, laughing. But then he went all serious again. “Seriously though, you’ll do great. And hey, do you want me to come with you tomorrow? Just for like, moral support.”

“You’d really do that?” Louis wasn’t sure if Harry being there would spur him on or distract him but either way, Harry being there for him would mean the world to him. Especially since he’d never auditioned for a big show or been to an open audition before.

“Of course.” Harry didn’t have a chance to say anything else because Louis’ front door swung open and four excited girls streamed into the house.

“Louis, your door better be open!” Jay yelled, not seeing the two boys on the couch.

“Moom,” Louis groaned, completely and totally embarrassed. “We’re not even in my room!” Louis’ face heated up, seeing Harry shoot him a confused glance out of the corner of his eye.

“Oh, sorry honey! Harry, hello dear, are you staying for dinner?”

“Is that alright with you, mom?” Louis asked timidly.

“Of course, I’m a bit tired from taking the girls out so I think I’ll just order us a few pizzas. You like pizza, right Harry?”

“It’s my literal favorite.”

“Well you just signed your way into Louis’ heart.” She chuckled, making her way into the kitchen. Louis blushed like a tomato but Harry’s attention was mostly on Fizz and her new doll.

The rest of the night went pretty smoothly. Well, minus the fact that all of his sisters hung off of Harry religiously and he had to tell Harry that they weren’t allowed up in his room. His mom was crazy about that kind of thing. She didn’t trust people in Louis’ room with him, afraid he’d have sex with them or something. Niall was the only person she trusted enough to go up to his room.

It was kind of ridiculous that five minutes after Harry left, Louis was pulling out his phone and texting him. He would’ve felt weird if Harry hadn’t replied immediately. He couldn’t help it, he was addicted to Harry Styles and he might be mistaken but Louis suspects that Harry just might be addicted to him too. In a bro kind of way obviously.

Louis had just replied to Harry’s good night text when he realized that he was ready for tomorrow.

All the next day at school, Louis was distracted. Auditions started directly after school. Even his English class (his favorite by far) could not keep his attention. At lunch, even Zayn commented on his quietness. Eventually though, the final bell did ring and Louis rushed himself to the doors of the auditorium.

Harry had told him in English that he was going to be watching from the audience so Louis knew that he was in the room waiting to see him do his thing. Louis realized that he liked the pressure of not letting Harry down, it made him want to better to please Harry. He’d never admit that out loud though, it sounded weird even in his head.

Louis filled out the form, turned it in and studied the excerpt that was given to him by one of the theater tech kids. He be reading as Kenickie in a group of guys who were reading from the other guy parts from the scene in the beginning when they are all questioning Danny about his summer.

It seemed to take forever for all the groups to be called up and to do their chosen scene. Just his luck, Louis’ group went last. When they’d made their way to center stage, Louis looked out at the audience, wondering if he could see Harry. All those movies about being able to see people in the audience lied, Louis could see maybe the first row but after that, it was too dark to see anything. Even though he couldn’t find Harry, Louis felt a surge of confidence just knowing that he was out there, watching him.

Louis gave everything he had as his character questioned Danny. It seemed as if everything, the auditorium, the kids, everything around him melted and suddenly he was there on the scene with the other characters. His whole world changed when he got into acting mode. Before he knew it, it was over and his group of guys was being led off stage and they were transferring into the next section of the auditions. Singing.

This was the scary part for Louis. Acting wasn’t really a huge deal for him, singing however, was. Nevertheless, when the drama teacher asked for volunteers to sing, Louis was the first to volunteer. And if he really wanted to make a statement, he needed to sing something from Grease. More specifically, he needed to sing Greased Lightning.

The spotlight was on him. It felt a little warm but it felt right. A few shallow breaths, a few deep and then he was Danny.

‘Why, this car is automatic, it’s

Systematic, it’s hydromatic

Why, it’s Greased Lightning!’

Louis’d been told that they only had 45 seconds(ish) to sing so he cut straight to the chorus, jumping around as if he were really in the garage with his boys.

‘Go grease lightening, you’re burning up

The quarter mile

(Grease lightening, go grease lightening)

Go grease lightening, you’re coasting

Through the heat lap trial

(Grease lightening, go grease lightening)

You are supreme, the chicks’ll scream

For grease lightening – ‘

“Thank you Mr. Tomlinson, you may leave. Call backs will be posted on Monday.” And Louis felt like he’d been shot down. Nevertheless, he nodded and left. As soon as he had excited the auditorium, he was engulfed.

“Lou! You were so good, great. You were great. I’m so proud. It was like you transformed up there, I just – “

“Thanks Hazza,” Louis was blushing madly, oddly feeling even more warm inside.

“You’re welcome. You’re going to make it. They’d be crazy not to have you. I’m seriously so proud.”

“You sound like my mother.” Louis groaned as the next girl came out, smiling bright at the two.

“Hey, you’re Louis right?” Louis just nodded, stunned that this junior was talking to him. “You do so well. Best talent, especially for a male, that this stage has seen in a while. You’re guaranteed to get in.”

“Th-thanks.” Louis stuttered, still blushing madly.

“I’m Eleanor by the way. It’ll be fun working with you. You’re talented, I’m talented, we’ll do well together.”

“Yeah,” Harry laughed weirdly. “Louis is pretty talented and great.

“What audition song did you choose?” Louis asked eagerly, brushing Harry off.

“You’re the one that I want.” Her tone was unfamiliar to Louis but he didn’t even have time to respond as Harry was pulling at his arm.

“Well great, I’m sure you did fantastic.” Harry turned to Louis. “Mom should be here soon so we better get going, bye!” Harry was urgently dragging him to the front doors, nearly causing Louis to trip and fall on his face.

“What the hell, Harry? I almost face planted back there.” Louis pulled his arm from Harry’s grasp, irritated.

“What?” Harry feigned innocence.

“I was in the middle of a conversation and then you pull me away so hard I could’ve hurt myself or some shit.”

“Well I’m sorry about almost making you fall. But really Louis? You do realize that that girl was hardcore hitting on you.”

“No she wasn’t – “

“Oh yes, she was.” Harry’s eyes went a bit wild as he crossed him arms over his chest.

“Well so what? She’s … hot.” It wasn’t the first word that came to mind, but it sounded like the one that would get him off the hook. Or not.

“Louis c’mon, you don’t have to – “

“Don’t have to what?” Louis demanded, anger rising while also minutely panicking a bit. And of course, Harry didn’t respond. “Oh please Harry, finish your sentence. What do I not have to do?”

“Don’t be such a drama queen, Louis.” Harry sighed.

“I’m not a fucking queen.” Harry’s words had hit a sore spot for Louis. He was a guy, he wanted to appear masculine so badly. And for Harry to call him a queen, it hurt. Louis refused to look at Harry, trying to will away the lump in his throat that would only prove Harry right.

“I’m sorry, please don’t be upset. I didn’t mean it.” Harry pulled Louis into a hug and Harry was instantly forgiven. “Let’s go home, eat pizza and play video games until my mom forces us to go to bed.”

“Kay,” Louis sighed, smiling because he really liked Harry. In a friend way. “This is how you know my mom likes you. She barely ever lets me stay the night anywhere on a school night.”

“Yeah your mom seems a little … strict.” Harry obviously wasn’t sure how to phrase it.

“Yeah…long story.” Long story that Louis didn’t want to talk about. Ever. “Hey that’s your mom!”

And the pair was off to Harry’s house. Louis loved being at Harry’s house. Anne was a lot more laid back than Jay was. And Harry only had one sister, Gemma, who was a senior that year. Gemma staid mostly in her own room while Anne and her boyfriend were in the living room, not really paying attention to what Harry and Louis were doing up in his room.

Harry’s room fit him perfectly. There were posters of weird bands that Louis had never heard of but there were also posters of Madonna and Lady Gaga. There were pictures practically everywhere. Some were from his friends at his middle school but a lot where of their group of five, and even more of just the two of them. They like to take selfies in English class okay?

The night was an absolute blast and Louis was proper exhausted by the time they laid down for bed in Harry’s twin.

“What were you going to say earlier today?” His voice was soft and tired in the quiet of the night.

“’Bout what?” Harry mumbled slowly, turning to face Louis.

“I don’t have to…” Louis turned just his head, eyes connecting with Harry’s.

“I was going to say you don’t have to lower your standards. To her. She’s … not good enough for you. Have you heard what people say about her?”

“No and I don’t really care. I didn’t think you were the type to either.”

“’M not. It’s just…I care about you. And I feel sort of … protective of you.”

“Why?” Louis couldn’t help but ask.

“Because you’re my best friend.” And Louis isn’t sure why, but his heart drops.

Friday after school, Louis finds himself in the locker room surprisingly alongside Niall. Apparently Zayn had convinced him to try out.

“I’ve been trying to get you to do footie with me since we were able to kick a ball and nothing. But one conversation with People’s next ‘Sexiest Man Alive’ and you’re down? I’m decently offended, Niall. Decently offended.”

“Zayn’s sexy. Ya think?” Niall asked, continuing. “We’re in high school now, it’s actually worth something now.”

“Not like sexy like I’d – you know but maybe if I were a girl. Or ya know, I’m sure girls think – “

“Tommo don’t shit in your trousers. Zayn is attractive, ‘s alright.”

“Okay boys!” Coach yells, effectively beginning try outs.

Honestly it was a bit more difficult than Louis was expecting. It was hot and sweaty and it was hard work but Louis had a lot of fun. Except when Coach tried to put him on the ‘skins’ team. Louis is very insecure about the tiny bit of tummy that he’d accumulated over the summer and has yet to work off. He’d tried to pull Coach aside and explain but he didn’t understand and it was horrible. But other than that, he had a lot of fun.

In the locker room after practice, Louis was getting ready to change when he heard,

“Better hide your junk, lads, there’s a fairy in here.”

Chris. Of course. Louis already felt pretty awkward in locker rooms because he was worried about accidently looking at a dude’s stuff or something, he didn’t know. All he knew was that rooms of mostly naked, if not completely naked men made him feel uncomfortable.

“Saw you yesterday,” Chris said to Louis. “Thought we had an agreement.”

“I’m not agreeing to shit!” Louis said firmly. He’d looked weak the last time that Chris gave him shit, he wouldn’t do it again. He was a fucking man! Well, almost. On the inside, he was still freaking out.

“Oh yeah? So, you don’t mind if I let everyone know that you’re a faggot? That you’re a slut that would bend over for any cock – “

“Fucking watch yourself, Chris – “ Louis began, but he was interrupted.

“There a problem, lads?” Niall came in, puffing his chest out like an Alpha male.

“Nah,” He backed down but emphasized his next words with a harsh stare in Louis’ direction. “Everyone’s about to be on the same page.”

As Chris walked away, Louis deflated. “Hate that prick.” It was meant to come out strong but instead it sounded shaky and weak.

“Me too. You okay?” Niall truly was the best.

“Yeah, mom’s here, I’m gonna go.”

“Aren’t you even going to change?” Niall called after him but he was already gone.

Louis spent his weekend trolling through social media, checking to see if Chris was going to follow through on his threat. Louis didn’t know why he cared so much, it wasn’t like it was true. He wasn’t a … he wasn’t gay.

Monday came quickly and Louis was antsy. He had two lists to check. English class passed by quickly simply because he had Harry in that class but other than that all of his other classes dragged on and on until finally, after what felt like an eternity, the final bell rang. Their group met up so that they could all check this lists together. They agreed to check the list for the football team first since he and Niall both needed to check it. This was it, Louis breathed through his nose, trying to calm his rapidly beating heart. This was the moment of truth. Louis was either going to play ball in his high school career or sing show tunes.

Once the five of them had met up, they fought through the crowd surrounding the list posted outside the locker room. Niall and Louis went up together, both eagerly inspecting the list.

There it was Louis Tomlinson, first name on the list even. Niall’s name was printed somewhere near the middle and to Louis’ horror, Chris had also made the team. Both Niall and Louis shouted, high fived, hugged, and jumped around excitedly, unable to contain the happiness they felt. Harry, Zayn, and Liam were all stoked for the both of them too, crowding around to surround the two in a group hug. Eventually, Harry nudged the group along, all headed to the drama hall.

Louis was so nervous. He had the urge to reach out and hold Harry’s hand but that’d be weird so instead, he shoved his hands in his pockets. Again, the group fought through the crowd to get a look at the call backs. When Louis had shoved his way to the front, he gulped. The list read:

Call Backs

Danny Zuko – Louis Tomlinson

Sandy – Eleanor Calder

The list continued but that was all the Louis needed to see. He was honestly surprised that Eleanor had been right. But hey, she was a junior, she knew how these things went better than Louis did.

“I … I got called back. FOR DANNY ZUKO!” Louis turned, yelling to his friends even though they were right behind him.

Harry nearly knocked him over in a hug. “I knew you’d make it in, you were so –“

“Congratulations, Louis.” A female voice said behind him. Louis turned to see Eleanor walking toward him. She had nice curly hair. “You and I are the only ones who were called back for the leads. Do you know what that means?”

“We got the part.” Louis said slowly, just then realizing.

“Told you we’d do it. Hey listen, here’s my number,” She produced a small white piece of paper, slipping it into Louis’ pocket. “You know, if you ever want to … rehearse.” And then she was gone.

“Does she have to be so forward?” Harry mumbled under his breath, Louis was too busy being stunned to hear him. Zayn threw Harry an odd look before addressing Louis.

“Sick bro, you just got Eleanor Calder’s number!”

“Yeah.” Did that really just happen? “Wait! What do I do now?!” He turned back to face his friends, panic clear on his face.

“You text her, mate.” Liam chuckled, clapping a hand on Louis’ shoulder.

“Not that, Li.” Louis rolled his eyes. “I – do I do football or the musical?”

“How about both? It doesn’t always have to be one or the other. You can like both, you can do both.” Harry looked almost nervous which Louis didn’t understand but that boy never made sense to him so he didn’t think anything of it.

“Louis doesn’t like both, he loves one and likes the other.” Niall confirmed, looking to Harry like they knew something that Louis didn’t. He had no idea what the hell they were even talking about.

“What are you talking about? I love football and acting. I guess I could try doing both…”

-

Doing both turned out to be extremely difficult. The drama teacher and Coach worked out a schedule together so that Louis wouldn’t have to miss practice for a rehearsal and vice versa. Meaning, if he wasn’t doing laps or drills at practice, he was dancing or singing on the stage at rehearsals. And even when he’s home, he is either working out with Niall and Zayn (he’s getting kind of suspicious of their relationship) or running lines with Harry (which, Harry makes a perfect Sandy). Liam is the one who balances him out just a bit. He helps Louis stay focused on school and keeping his grades up (which is why Jay absolutely adores Liam).

Overall, it’s bloody exhausting. He’s falling asleep in nearly all of his classes and he definitely uses his lunch period as a nap time. Eating some would probably help him stay energized but he’s so tired. Plus, he doesn’t like his tummy anyway.

One day at lunch, Louis has said fuck it all. He was leaning heavily against Harry, head rested on his shoulder. For once in his life, he wasn’t even thinking about how gay it probably looked. Harry had is arm around Louis’ waist and it comforted Louis enough, he was just about to legit fall asleep. But then of course, a wrench was thrown into that plan.

“Aw look at the fags! Bet he’s fingering you and you like it, huh butt boy?” Fucking Chris. Louis was so past done.

He stood up, knocking his food over in the process, not even hearing what the other four were saying to Chris, he was seeing red. He went straight up to Chris, slamming his fist straight into his jaw. For as tired as Louis was, he didn’t think that he’d have that much power behind his punch but Chris was actually knocked to the floor. Louis wasn’t really thinking when he stepped over the fucking prick, grabbing him by the collar and continuously punching him.

“You can call me a fucking fag all you want,” Louis emphasized his words with another punch. “But never, ever call my best friend a fag again.”

Liam pulled Louis away from Chris just in time for Louis to see their principal storm into the cafeteria.

He was given a week suspension, which was a lot less bad than what he thought he’d get. He was still pissed when he heard that Chris was being let off the hook since he didn’t get even a single punch in. But what made him even more mad was that he had to miss two games. Coach will be absolutely furious with him. If he even lives after Jay hears about this. He wasn’t as worried about missing rehearsals since he basically already knew his lines and opening night wasn’t until December.

“Why?” Jay asked him as soon as they were home. “Tell me why, son. Getting into a fist fight in school? I raised you better than that.”

“This guy has been giving me sh-crap all year for being – in the musical. I couldn’t take it anymore. I’m sorry – “

“Here,” Jay went to the kitchen and returned with an ice pack. As she gently set it against Louis’ swollen knuckles, she continued. “You know that fighting isn’t the answer. I love you, Louis, and I am so sorry that this kid has gotten you upset, but I’m disappointed with the way you handled this. You could’ve told a teacher, a counselor, or me and we would’ve helped you.” She sighed, kissing Louis’ forehead. “Head up to your room until I can think of what to do about this.”

“Yes ma’am.” Louis trudged up to his room, head hanging low.

Only minutes after being sent to his room, Louis fell asleep. About 15 minutes later, he is rudely woken up; at first he didn’t understand what had woken him up but then he glanced down at the tented blanket. Shit.

He absolutely hated when this happened. He hated when he got erections. Masturbating was bad. Touching yourself like that was perverted and gross. But sometimes he’d wake up with it and he couldn’t’ help himself. And he hated himself for it. Guilt built up as his hand travelled down his (flabby) stomach. He also hated the images that ran through his head when he masturbated. Mostly, they were just toned torsos, he never even let himself think about what was below the waist.

As Louis gripped himself, he bit his lip. He’d trained himself to be completely quiet when he did these things. He slid his hand up his penis, the images of torsos popped into Louis’ brain. Louis closed his eyes, focusing on keeping his breathing even. He imagined running his hand down the torso. It was pale white and hard, toned muscles under his fingertips. There were no boobs, instead there were flat muscles.

His hand sped up, pre-ejaculation bubbling up at the slit, easing up the dry pull just a bit. Louis imagined himself shuffling close to the torso. In his mind, there really was a person attached to the torso but he refused to think about that. But he knew that he twitched in his hand when he scooted closer. He desired closeness, the touch of his skin against someone else’s skin.

Out of literally nowhere, Chris popped into Louis’ mind. Not in like, the sexual way, just what he’d said to Louis before Louis punched the shit out of him.

‘Bet he’s fingering you and you like it.’

Is that something that guys did? Maybe… Louis’ hand left his dick, skimming downwards towards…there. Before he could work himself up about it and talk himself up about it, Louis shoved his finger in.

“AH!” Louis gasped, eyes tearing up. This did not feel good. This did not feel good at all. Louis did not think that this was something that guys did. He even went a little soft from it. Chris was probably just fucking with him, that motherfucking prick.

Slowly, because fast movements hurt, he pulled his finger from himself. Immediately, he wrapped his hand back around himself, now just eager to get this over with.

Louis imagined his nails digging into the pale white flesh and his thoughts were getting muddled. Louis was quickly thickening back up. Next thing he knew, attached to the pale white torso was a head full of curly hair, green eyes, and dimples.

“Harry,” Louis whispered, hand naturally speeding up as the single word turned him on even more. In a distant part of his mind, Louis was yelling at himself. But that was distant, he couldn’t really focus on anything except for Harry at that point.

All he could think of was the way Harry looked at him, green eyes seemingly a shade darker. The way he pulled Louis close so their chests were touching. In his mind, Louis had a perfect stomach, not one that would repulse Harry. Louis imagined Harry’s hand trailing down his tan stomach, fingertips ghosting lightly, drawing goosebumps. He was getting so close, he could barely keep his gasps in as he felt himself getting nearer and nearer to the edge.

“You’re so sexy,” Harry whispered into his ear, breath tickling him. He pressed kisses to his neck and Louis had to hold back a whine. And then Harry wrapped his fingers around Louis’ dick and then Louis was ejaculating, semen dripping onto his hand and soaking into the bare skin of his stomach.

Once the effects of his orgasm started wearing off, Louis felt like a true piece of shit. Not only did he just do something gross but he thought about his guy best friend. It wasn’t normal, he knew it wasn’t. Guys weren’t supposed to think about other guys when touching themselves. Why couldn’t he have thought about … Eleanor or something? She looked a lot like Harry, minus the whole boobs and vagina thing. But she had curly brown hair and really nice legs just like Harry did.

“Louis,” Jay called and Louis jumped to wipe away the evidence of his mistake. He wiped the semen on the underside of his blanket, he’d just have to remember to do his sheets before his mom got to it.

“Y-yes mom?” Immediately, Jay opened the door, smiling.

“I’ve made a couple calls and I’ve thought it over. Normally I would ground you for your unacceptable behavior. I should punish you heavily.”

“But?” Louis asked apprehensively. She had never, ever let him off scot free for something before.

“But I’ve been made aware of the situation and I feel you’ve been punished enough.”

“By who?” Louis panicked, thinking about his mom knowing that someone was calling him gay.

“Maura. So just, I love you and it doesn’t matter where this life takes you or the choices you make, I will always love you, Boobear. Okay?”

Louis just nodded. What the hell just happened?

The week suspension actually provided Louis with some much needed rest. Even though he’d been put on babysitting duty and he had to listen to his sisters whine all the time, and cook them dinner. He still got to lounge around and sleep in and it was beautiful. However, when the week was up, he was stoked to be going back.

At rehearsals on his first day back, he was lectured by the drama teacher but he reassured her that he was still prepared. A lot of his time at home was spent running lines with himself or working on the dances. He and Eleanor chatted excitedly about how ready everyone was, how it was all starting to really pull itself together.

“We have really great chemistry on the stage.” Eleanor had told him. “Also just in general.”

Louis agreed that they did have a bit of chemistry but what did that really mean? And did he really want to find out?

Practice didn’t go quite as smoothly. Coach was furious with Louis, he sat Louis down and yelled at him for the first ten minutes while everyone else ran laps because of him. Everyone on the team kept throwing him dirty looks because of it, well except Niall, he just seemed sympathetic. And once Coach was done grilling him until he was nice and crispy, he had Louis run laps the rest of practice. Louis was in shape, but legit thought he was going to die.

And once practice was over and everyone was dressing down in the locker room, the tension was thick. Everyone’s eyes were on him and Louis already felt awkward in locker rooms without everyone watching him. Basically, he’d never been more uncomfortable in his life. He did his best to ignore it but out of the corner of his eye, Louis could see the second string goalie approaching and as he got closer Louis held his breath.

“Hey,” The guy, Ed maybe, said. “Don’t worry, we all hated that prick anyway. Been wanting to punch him myself.”

“Thanks.” And Louis just knew that everything was going to be okay.

-

Everything was not okay. Louis kind of felt like his life was falling apart. Because of the suspension, Coach had benched him. He already had to miss those two games that week but apparently Coach didn’t think that that was enough. And to make matters worse, Coach didn’t bench Chris or penalize him at all so he got to be out on the field, playing the games that Louis should have all the while, Louis kept the bench warm.

On top of that, Eleanor was coming on really strong which Louis wasn’t sure about. She makes him nervous. But like not in the way that he likes (with Harry for example) and he knows that they have to rehearse kissing scene eventually.

The thing with her is, it pisses him off. Because he’s a fucking guy. You never hear about the girl chasing the guy, it’s always the girl getting chased. It’s the guy who works hard and woos the girl and cuddles her. But it pisses him off because she is the one chasing him. Louis shouldn’t want to be chased, he shouldn’t want to be the one who is looked after, he shouldn’t want to be wooed, it wasn’t manly. But if Eleanor wouldn’t mind cuddling him every now and then or standing up for him, maybe he could work with it. It’s not like anyone else was knocking on his door.

And Harry. Ever since the first time that Louis touched himself with Harry on his mind, he’d been waking up either achingly hard or all sticky with Harry’s name on his lips. It was honestly getting Louis massively down. He felt so guilty. If his mom knew about this, she’d be so upset with him. Not to mention that Louis felt awkward around Harry. Whenever they were together, Louis couldn’t keep his thoughts at bay. All he could think about was Harry’s chest against his, hand around his dick, bringing him to ejaculation. So they’d grown a bit distant.

To add to the list, Zayn and Niall were getting closer, to the point where the only time that Louis ever saw Niall was at practice or at games. They’d talk before and after practices and sometimes go to each other’s houses after games but other than that, they never really hung out. And every time that Louis called, Zayn was always there in the background. Even with the lunches that they all had together, Zayn had all of Niall’s attention unless it included Louis’ uneaten lunch. Louis felt replaced.

Liam was the only one who stayed constant. He still met up with Louis all the time to work on homework and always pushed him to be better. He even started running lines with Louis when Harry said he couldn’t any more due to something he had to do at home or something. Louis thinks he picked up on how weird Louis had been acting. Or maybe he could read minds and he knew that Louis was thinking about him in compromising positions. Probably not but still.

As far as Louis’ home life, things were the same. They sucked. He missed Mark so much. Louis understood that what he did was very wrong and that hurts Louis too but what hurts the most is that he was gone. Louis’ biological dad left when he was two years old and then just when he’d started really thinking that Mark was his dad, Mark left too. He just wants a dad. But Jay does a good job trying to be both parents, it must be really hard for her. He loves her that much more when he thinks about how through it all, she stayed for him and for his sisters.

Basically, Louis was in a tough spot.

-

Louis had been immersing himself in homework after a particularly grueling rehearsal. The girl who was cast as Frenchie had yet to learn any of her lines and the drama teacher was furious which meant that they all had to pay in the form of a mandatory early morning Saturday rehearsal. This was why he was trying to finish up his homework so he wouldn’t have to worry about it over the weekend.

“Hey,” A voice said from next to him. Louis looked up to see some upperclassman that he’d seen around the halls. Possibly one of Eleanor’s friends.

“Um hey,” Louis said, setting down his pencil as the guy with the black quiff sat down next to him.

“Nick Grimshaw.” He introduced, smiling politely.

“Louis Tom – “

“I know who you are, are you kidding me? Everyone knows who you are. First freshman to ever get cast as the lead in a production, first guy to ever do the musical and play footie. Plus you beat the shit out of that one prick and now all the guys respect you and all the girls want to get with you. Well and some guys too. I can think of a few right off hand.

“Everyone knows who I am?” Louis asked incredulously.

“You’re kind of a legend, Louis.” Nick beamed again.

“Are you – did you come over here just to tell me that?” Not that he was trying to be rude, it was just really random to have someone you’ve never met before come up to you and start talking about how you’re a legend.

“No actually. I help with the school newspaper and every semester we do this thing called ‘Spotlight Student’ where we put the spotlight on a student who excelled in academics and extra-curricular activities. Your name has been brought to our attention by several students and faculty members.”

“Even though I got in a fight?”

“Well frankly, Tomlinson, Chris Evans and his family can barely afford to go here and he’s been stirring up trouble for a long time. And so have the siblings of his that came here before him.”

“Oh.” Louis wasn’t sure how else to respond or what he could even say about that. That was actually kind of sad. Granted, it didn’t excuse the way he treated Louis but still.

“So anyway, I want to do a sort of pre-interview. Meaning, I ask you a few questions to see if you’re still ‘Spotlight Student’ material. That okay?” Louis just nodded. “Okay so first off, what got you interested in football?”

“I’ve um,” Louis cleared his throat while Nick pulled out a notepad and started scribbling. “I’ve just always loved it. Especially because my step-dad used to take me to games – “

“And what about acting?”

“Um, they offered a class for kids at the community center I went to for my footie team so I took it and – “

“Who helps you stay focused on academics?” Nick fired at him again.

“Me mom and friend, Liam.”

Nick scribbled furiously. “Alright, just a few, more personal questions.”

“How person?” Louis gulped nervously.

“It’s rumored that you and your Grease co-star have a brooding romance. Care to comment?”

“We’re just friends.”

“What about the ever-increasing rumor that you’re using Eleanor to stay closeted?”

“What the fuck – “

“Or that you and gay with your – “

“No, that’s enough! That isn’t a question for the school newspaper.” Louis nearly growled.

“Alright, alright. Off the record though, do you top or bottom because you’re pretty fucking hot,” Nick bit his lip, giving Louis the once over. “I’d let you fuck me any day of the week.”

“What?! No, thanks for the offer but I’m going to have to pass. Now if you would kindly fuck off – “

“C’mon, Tomlinson, not even the ladies would pass this arse up.” Nick looked so fucking smug, so sure of himself and it pissed Louis off.

“I’m not gay and I’m not interested in having sex with you so would you please leave me alone?” Louis was praying that his mom would hurry up and show up so he could get away from this situation.

“Oh wow,” Nick laughed, shaking his head. “See you soon, Tommo.”

Louis felt his blood run cold. Fuck that guy. Louis finished all of his homework, sitting there fuming. On top of that, he ended up walking home when it had started getting too dark and his mom still hadn’t shown up to pick him up.

When he got home, Louis called out to the house, not getting any response. The house was empty except for the note that was stuck on the fridge,

‘Boobear,

The girls and I were invited to dinner at Lottie’s best friend, Stone Martin’s house. I left some money on the counter, order a pizza, yeah? We’ll be back later! Love you sweetie.

Love, Mom.’

She forgot that she was supposed to pick him up from school. Tears filled Louis’ eyes. Apparently he wasn’t important enough to remember. Louis’ feet hurt so he plopped down on his couch, burying his face into the cushions. After a few moments, Louis thought he’d die if he was alone in the silence for another second. So he called Niall.

“Hey Tommo, can’t talk right now, Zayn’s trying to kick my arse in fifa. I’ll call you back later, bye!”

“Bye Niall.” Louis said to the dead line. Next he tried Liam.

“Hey Lou, what’s up?” Liam sounded so pleasant, he just wondered for a moment what it’d be like to be Liam.

“Not much, do you think I could come over and hang out?” Louis’ acting skills really paid off, he sounded legit casual and not like he was just crying.

“I wish you could but I have to meet up with my science partner for that experiment. Sorry mate!” He at least sounded actually sorry for blowing Louis off.

“It’s okay, I’ll see you tomorrow.” And then he hung up before Liam could figure out that he was upset.

Louis stared at Harry’s contact information for a good minute. He was afraid to call Harry. They’d gotten even more distant with each other which was mostly Louis’ fault. He’d been kind of ignoring Harry slightly. He let himself get caught up in homework and footie and the musical, using that as his excuse as to why he was ignoring Harry, when the real reason was the whole, masturbated with his face in Louis’ mind thing. So Louis shouldn’t have been surprised when Harry rejected all of his calls. But he was. And then Louis is furious. He dials the only other number that he can think of.

“Louis Tomlinson, I was wondering when you’d call me.”

“Eleanor.” Louis sighed. “Wanna hang out tonight? To like, rehearse and everything.” Louis bit his lip, he was so awkward on the phone with people he didn’t know too well.

“Sure, I’d love to hang out at your place – “

“No!” Louis nearly shouted, scaring even himself. “I can’t be over here.”

“Is everything okay?” There it was, genuine concern. Louis sighed, feeling like someone cared.

“Oh yeah,” He lied through his teeth. Luckily, Eleanor didn’t know him well enough to know when he was lying. “I just. We should go somewhere.”

“Okay, cool. Text me your address and I’ll come pick you up.” She sounded so happy to be able to hang out with Louis and it was doing wonders at picking up his mood.

“’Kay.”

Hanging out with Eleanor outside of rehearsals was surprisingly fun. Sure, she was a bit intense but she was confident and she knew what she wanted. Louis envied her for that. He wanted the kind of confidence to know what he wanted and to just go for it. But he didn’t, he was weak.

They ate at McDonalds and then they just drove around forever. Eventually they stopped and parked, just talking. She was easy to talk to, he would definitely consider them friends. He honestly hadn’t even noticed how late it had gotten until Eleanor had mentioned that she had to get home soon for curfew. This probably meant that Louis would be toast.

When Eleanor pulled up to his house, she sighed, “You know, you’re a really good guy, you’re so sweet and I hope I helped you forget whatever was upsetting you tonight.”

“Thanks,” Louis blushed a deep, hands awkwardly twisting in his lap. Maybe she knew him more than he gave her credit for.

“Anyway, I had a really nice time tonight.” She smiled softly and Louis was kind of unsure of what to do. She was normally loud and brash, much like himself when he wasn’t uncomfortable, but she turned soft and mushy and he felt so very awkward.

“Me too.” Louis leaned over and kissed her cheek, quickly jumping out of the car. “See you at rehearsal on Thursday.”

“Yeah, bye Louis.” She blushed as she waved. He waved back and then dashed to the door.

By the time he made it through the front door, it was nearly midnight, which was about two hours past his curfew. He tiptoed through the door, hoping that his mom somehow wouldn’t notice that he was gone. Of course, that was just wishful thinking.

“Louis William Tomlinson, get your butt over here this instant!” Jay sat at their dining room table, looking absolutely exhausted. Louis’ eyes dropped to the floor as guilt washed over him. He slumped into the chair across from her and held his breath, waiting for her to lay it on him. “Where have you been?! It is way past your curfew, you are in big trouble young man!”

“Well,” Louis felt irritation seep through the guilt. He remembered why he did all of this in the first place, and all the general upset-ness from the past few weeks unleashed. “School fucking sucks, all my friends have better things to do than be with me, people won’t leave me alone about being in the musical and since you forgot to pick me up from school after rehearsal and went out on the town, I did the same, conveniently forgetting about curfew.” As soon as it was out, Louis cursed the natural sassiness that he had.

“You watch your mouth, I am your mother.” She snapped, although she didn’t sound very angry which blew Louis away. “But baby I’m so sorry I forgot. When pay day comes, I’ll take you anywhere you want, just you and me. Run on up to bed but don’t disturb your sisters. Oh and Louis,”

Louis turned from where he’d began walking up the stairs to his room, “Yes?”

“Don’t ever disrespect me like this again. You follow my rules, no exceptions. Got it?”

“Yes mom, I’m sorry.” Louis lowered his gaze again, the guilt returning.

“It’s alright this time, love. Go get some rest, you school in the morning.”

The next day, Louis sat with Eleanor and the theater kids at lunch. The only person that Louis isn’t upset with at his normal table is Liam. Yes, Liam blew him off but he knew that Liam would have come and got him if he didn’t have homework so he doesn’t hold it against him. Louis almost chuckles at how much things had changed since the time when Liam was the only one that he was mad at, at that table.

All four of them kept looking over at the table where Louis sat, too close to Eleanor, but Louis was too busy laughing loudly at some stupid joke to acknowledge it. Well, he did acknowledge it, he was just pretending not too. Liam’s puppy dog eyes were boring into him, Harry was just plain staring, trying not to look hurt, Niall and Zayn noticed but they were too busy with each other to really care. At least that’s what it seemed like to Louis. It didn’t matter though, he ignored them like they ignored him the previous day.

“Lou! Halloween is coming up, you should come to the party at my house, it’s a costume party and it’s gonna be sick!” Eleanor told him animatedly. Louis is torn. Ever since they were younger, he and Niall always went trick or treating together. But fuck it, Niall probably already had plans with Zayn.

“Sure, I’ll totally be there.” Louis grinned widely, turning away from his normal table and not facing them for the rest of the lunch period.

Practice after school was grueling. They had a big game coming up which Louis would be playing in. Coach had lifted his ban a while back, and Coach was on edge. The Norsemen were their biggest rivals and they had yet to win a game against them in almost three years. Coach worked Louis so hard, he didn’t even have time to talk with Niall like he knew the Irish boy wanted to. Apparently Coach thought that Louis was the key to win this game on Friday. Like Louis needed any more pressure put on him.

After practice, Louis was sweaty, dirty and downright gross. He needed a shower badly. It just sucked because he always felt so awkward in the locker room especially with Chris still constantly staring him down. It was like he was threatening him with his eyes instead of his words. Louis wasn’t sure how he felt about that, but he just couldn’t sit around in his sweat until he could get home to take a shower, not today. Especially if his mom was late again. So he took a few deep breaths and headed for the showers.

Naked guys were everywhere, just letting their junk hang free. There were no curtains on the showers which did not make sense to Louis at all but he’d just have to deal with it. Louis kept his eyes on the ceiling, trying not to get emotional. He really didn’t want to be naked in front of anyone but he dropped his towel anyway. His cheeks flushed a near violet as he turned on the tap. Quickly as possible, Louis washed himself, getting the sweat and dirt off was a relief but god, this was so awkward. Louis’d heard the phrase, ‘don’t drop the soap’ plenty of times, he had no idea what it meant but when his bar of soap slipped from his hands and landed on the shower floor, his heart dropped. He reached down and picked it up, quickly straightening back up. He glanced around to see if anyone had seen and when he turned, he saw Chris staring straight at him. Mortified, Louis turned around and hastily finished his shower.

“You’ve never showered here.” Niall stated when Louis got back to the lockers. Niall stood there, messing about on his phone, obviously waiting for Louis.

“Hmm.” Louis hummed in acknowledgement, not even looking at Niall as he packed his stuff up.

“Louis, tell me what’s wrong. Are you okay?”

“No, Niall, I’m not.” And then Louis was throwing his bag over his shoulder and walking out.

Louis was focused on the fact that Niall didn’t even try to follow that he gasped loudly when Harry grabbed his shoulder, pulling him aside before he could walk out the front doors. Harry looked furious and it had a shiver of fear run down Louis’ spine.

“What do you want?” Louis asked, brushing Harry off as if he had better things to do than talk to Harry. Which, that was not true at all. He wanted nothing more than to talk to Harry for hours and hours until their voices ran out. But then he reminded himself that he was mad at Harry. Harry had let him down, had rejected his calls when he needed him.

“Since when are you a douche bag to your friends, Louis? You aren’t acting like yourself.”

“Since when do you care?” Louis shot back, offended.

“Seriously, Lou? Why would you even ask me that? You’re the one that’s been ignoring me!” Harry was angry, like really angry with Louis. Louis did not like this. He’d never been mad at Louis ever before, not like this.

“Oh you mean like the times that you rejected my calls? Yup that was my entire fault.”

“Come off it, Louis! Did you ever think that I was busy?” Harry snarled.

“My mom’s here.” Louis stated, heading towards the door. “Sorry I’m too busy to finish this conversation.” Louis had a handle on the door, just about to walk out.

“I was coming out to my family, Louis!” Harry yelled, causing Louis to stop in his tracks. “Yup, I’m fucking gay!”

“Will good for you.” Louis said quietly, still not facing Harry. He waited a beat longer before actually walking out and running towards his van.

Jay dropped Louis off at home and then headed to work for another late shift which meant that Louis was put on babysitting duty. When the girls got home from school, he made them all sit down to work on homework while he started on dinner. And by making dinner, he meant, calling his favorite take out place and ordering them all something with the money that Jay gave him.

“Louis,” Phoebe asked during their chaotic dinner. His sisters where every bit as crazy as he normally was. “Why are you sad?”

That question honestly broke Louis’ heart even more. He was sad because he looked around the table, realizing for the first time that he was being selfish. Babysitting his sisters always felt like a huge burden for Louis, he had so much other things going on in his life that he wanted to sit around and sulk about. But he looked at Charlotte, Fiz, Daisy, and Phebes, and realized that they were just so young and probably had troubles of their own that he’d brushed aside. For one, Louis was the only man (boy) in their life and that in itself was sad. He needed to grow the fuck up and put his shit aside and be a better brother to them. Starting this very moment.

“I’m not sad just tired, Phebes. The more important question is, how is kindergarten going for you?”

“It’s fun!” Daisy shouted, going on a long spiel about the colors they learned and how she got to sit on the red block of their reading rug. Phoebe contributed, talking about the boy who chased her at play time and how they whispered together through nap time.

“What about you, Fizzie?”

“The fourth grade is fun too. I have a friend named Amy who is pretty. I like her.” Louis almost gasped.

“Girls can’t like other girls.” Lottie said from the opposite end of the table from Louis. “Girls are supposed to like boys, Fizzie.”

“Hey,” Louis swallowed. “She can like whoever she wants. Um, it’s okay Fiz. It’s perfectly n-normal.”

Louis was kind of freaking out. Not really because Fiz had expressed a liking for someone of the same sex but because the same thing had happened to him when he was younger. He’d come home saying something about a boy in his class having a pretty smile or something and Mark had lectured him about how wrong he was, how it was gross to like another boy. He’ll never forget that. So he made sure to tell Fiz that it was okay, that she was normal.

“Um, Lottie, how about you? How’s school for you?”

“It’s okay.”

“What’s your favorite subject?” Louis tried to push, just wanting to have a nice conversation with his closest sister.

“I don’t know, Louis! God, just leave me alone!” Lottie yelled, storming off to her room and slamming the door.

Louis watched, stunned. He had no idea what just happened with her but he let it go. He turned back to his other sisters, watching as Daisy and Phoebe laughed about something and Fizzie sat there, looking awkward.

“She’s been mad about everything lately.” Fiz said quietly.

“Well don’t worry about her, she has a lot to deal with.” Louis rubbed at Fiz’s shoulder comfortingly.

“Thanks Lou, love you.”

“I love you too, Fiz. I’m always here for you, you know.” He hated being all vulnerable and emotional and stuff, but this was his sister. He’d make an exception for her, and his other three sisters.

Once all the girls were in bed, Louis trolled through social media only to see that Harry had officially come out. It was all over his newsfeed and he didn’t understand why but it pissed him off.

And Niall. Niall hadn’t even texted him or called or messaged him on Facebook or anything after Louis admitted that he wasn’t okay. He was probably too busy being best friends with Zayn to care anymore. God, it was so fucking infuriating. Before Zayn had showed up, Niall and Louis talked every day. They were inseparable. Since the womb, Louis thought sadly. They’d even put their names together like all the celebrities were doing. Nouis, they were Nouis. And now it’s just…Louis.

-

So it went like that for two entire weeks. Louis sat with the theater kids at lunch, ignoring his four friends. They didn’t text or call. Niall ignored him during games and practices (even when Louis had scored the game-winning goal against the Norsemen), Zayn didn’t save his spot on the one day Louis was able to ride the bus home, and Harry picked someone else to partner up with for an English assignment.

“Hey Lou,” Liam had said one day when Louis was headed to the theater for rehearsal. “Um I think you should sit with us at lunch tomorrow.”

“I don’t know, I think I’m already – “

“Please,” Liam begged and Louis couldn’t say no. He’d just have to man up for thirty minutes. When Louis didn’t say anything, Liam continued. “I don’t know what happened but I’m sorry. And I want my friend back.”

“I’ll sit with you.” Louis said quietly. “I really have to go, though. Rehearsals and stuff.”

“Okay well uh, good luck.”

Louis mumbled a thanks and was on his way. He shuffled into the theater and was practically ambushed by Eleanor.

“We’re doing the kissing scene today!” She practically squealed but Louis was not excited.

“What? I thought we were waiting until later?” Louis was panicking minutely. Not that he’d never kissed a girl before. He had. It was just; he’d never kissed a girl who was blatantly interested in him. Yes technically it was Danny and Sandy kissing but Louis knew that to Eleanor, it meant more.

“Well tomorrow is Halloween, which, remind me to text you my address for the party. Unless you need me to come pick you up. But anyway, it’s nearly November which means that we only have five weeks until opening night.”

“Oh,” Louis feels a wave of panic wash over him. He didn’t realize that they were that close to opening night. Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck.

“Don’t worry, you’ll be great. You practically had the script memorized on day one. And I know for a fact that you had all the songs memorized before we even started. You’ll be amazing, trust me.”

The kissing scene ended up being the last thing that they rehearsed. Louis was so nervous, he nearly missed her lips but she caught on and found his lips. Once they’d kissed, it wasn’t too bad. She was a pretty great kisser and her lips were soft. All in all, Louis didn’t really mind it. See, maybe all he needed was to find a girl. All those thoughts about Harry were probably just confusion. He just needed a girl to un-confuse him.

Around them, everyone was whooping and making cat calls which caused both of them to blush furiously. Which, she looked cute with pink dusting her cheeks.

“So,” Eleanor asked as she pulled away, slightly breathless. “How was that?”

“Good.” Louis replied, unable to keep eye contact with her.

“Do you wanna get out of here?” She asked; Louis just nodded.

The two ended up going out and getting a bite to eat at a dodgy little diner that Louis’d never heard of before. It was nice. Although, it felt kind of awkward at the same time, but Louis ignored that.

“So, I’m just going to be straightforward. I like you. I want to date you. What do you say?” They were still sat in a dark corner of the diner and she was leaning across the table, looking hopefully at him.

“I say sure.” Louis smiled at her and then they kissed again and yeah, maybe a girl was really the cure.

That night, they went Facebook official. Louis officially had a girlfriend. He was happy but it really wasn’t the kind of happiness that he was expecting to come from being in his first relationship. It was kind of just like a relief for him. His mom seemed happy though and his sisters were jumping with joy, begging to meet her, so he felt he’d done the right thing.

At school the next day, everyone was clapping him on the back or congratulating him. When he saw Chris, Louis wanted to shout, “Look, I’m not fucking gay!” but it looked like Chris was even more pissed off at Louis and that infuriated him. Like really, what the fuck was that guy’s problem?

He’d honestly forgotten that he agreed to sit with his old friends until he was headed to the theater table at lunch. But then he saw Liam’s puppy dog eyes and headed over to their table. Eleanor looked confused but let him go.

“Hey,” He said softly, setting down his tray and sitting next to Zayn. The table went completely silent, but Liam was smiling at him so Louis knew he just had to truck through this one.

“Lou!” Liam said brightly. “How’s the musical going?”

“Good…we open in five weeks and,” Louis took a breath and decided, fuck it. “It’d be really cool if you guys came.”

“Of course we’ll come.” Niall smiled over at Louis and the tension was mostly broken.

Niall and Zayn went back to chatting with each other and Liam kept trying to include Harry in the conversation he and Louis were having about the musical but Harry would only give one or two word answers.

“So what time are we meeting up for trick or treating tonight?” Zayn asked Niall and it had Louis’ heart wrenching. He was replaced. Niall had replaced him. He looked to see Niall blushing massively, looking down at his plate.

“That was our thing.” Louis said, tired of Niall not including him.

“I know, it’s just. You were hanging out with the theater kids and I thought – “

“You’re right.” Louis snapped. “Its fine, I’m going to a party tonight anyway.”

Out of the corner of his eye, Louis saw Zayn mouth ‘sorry’ to Niall and in that moment, he knew. Zayn liked Niall. Like he liked him more than a friend. Normally Louis wouldn’t be vengeful towards his friends but he couldn’t help the words that slipped out of his mouth.

“Hey Zayn, did you ever ask Niall to set you up with anyone?” It was out of line, probably. But Louis didn’t give a fuck.

“What? I didn’t know you wanted me to set you up! I got you mate, tell me what you’re looking for.” Niall piped up, so excited he didn’t notice the way that Zayn’s face fell.

“Well,” Zayn snapped, obviously catching on to what Louis was doing. “They have to be funny, and loud. Also, I have a huge thing for blue eyes. And blonde hair, but like. Not naturally blonde, like dyed blonde.”

“Wow, that’s specific.” Louis added.

“I know what I like.” Zayn sassed Louis right back.

“I know someone who is perfect for you!” Niall grinned, pulling Zayn away talking animatedly as they left the cafeteria.

“You’re such a dick, Louis.” Harry spoke up when it was just the three of them left. It was the most that Harry had spoken to him in what felt like forever.

“What?” Louis asked, feigning innocence.

“You know what.”

“So, um, you and Eleanor are dating now, right?” Liam asked after the silence became too much.

“Yup. I mean, it’s not serious or anything. But yeah she’s cool.”

“That’s pretty cool. Harry here has found someone too, haven’t you, Hazza?” Liam nudged Harry playfully. Harry just looked down at his lunch, blushing massively.

“No,” Harry said fiercely, “We aren’t dating, we’re just talking.”

“C’mon you know you have it bad for him.” Liam chuckled. Louis just felt extremely awkward and also jealous. He could easily identify that he was jealous over this guy that Harry apparently ‘had it bad’ for. He wasn’t sure why but he pushed the feelings away anyway.

“Who is it then?” Louis asked, kicking himself because, why couldn’t he sound casual?

“Doesn’t matter.” Harry shrugged it off, still not making eye contact. He knew Harry well enough to just leave it alone. So he changed the subject.

“How’s your English paper coming along?” Louis stabbed at the mostly-cold piece of chicken, knowing he should probably eat it anyway. He would need the energy for the long night ahead of him.

“Okay, I’m kind of struggling with finding the fifth source for my works cited page but mostly okay.”

“Do you want to…come over this weekend, we could work on it together?” Louis continued picking at his food. Harry hadn’t come over to his house in a while. Not since before he tried out for the musical and he missed his friends. Even though he still kind of felt like none of them were really there for him anymore. Zayn had officially stolen Niall from him, Harry obviously was crushing on some other guy, and Liam just. Liam was the only one that Louis felt like he could go to. Maybe Louis had brought this on himself. Maybe he really was a dick. The only thing to do was to make it right.

“Actually, I kind of already have plans.” Genuine regret was written all over Harry’s face but that didn’t stop Louis’ heart from dropping.

“Oh.” Louis struggled with sounding casual. “What have you got going on then?”

“Um just, - “

“He’s hanging out with his boyfriend!” Liam threw in, smiling at Harry like he knew something that no one else did.

“He’s not my boyfriend!” Harry exclaimed, looking desperately to Louis. “He’s not. We’re just…talking. That’s all.”

“Well that’s really cool.” Louis cringed, knowing that he sounded off. He wanted to yell at Harry and ask him why he’d betray Louis like that but that didn’t even make sense. And he didn’t even understand why his next words felt like stabs to his heart. “Hey, our last game is next week, you should bring him.”

Thankfully, the bell rang and Louis shot out of there as fast as he could. He had the overwhelming urge to cry and it fucking pissed him off. Like, having a girlfriend was supposed to set him straight (not that he was gay) but he was still so fucking confused. Every time that he was around Harry, he just didn’t understand any of what he was feeling. Part of him craved it but the other part of him hated it. Like that day, Louis did not like the feelings he got when Harry was talking about being with another guy. But like, why? Why did he fucking care so much about what Harry was doing? Why did it hurt so badly when Harry blew him off when Louis’d been the one ignoring Harry in the first place? He just really wanted some time to sort his shit out. But he had class and homework, and he had practice, and the musical, and this party tonight. He was living life in the fast lane and he just needed time. But time was one thing that Louis didn’t have.

-

Eleanor picked him up for the party, absolutely showering him in compliments on his choice of costume. He’d decided to mimic Mean Girls and go as a ‘zombie ex-husband’. He would’ve just gone as the same thing that Lindsay Lohan did, but he didn’t want to upstage his girlfriend.

Louis, of course, complimented her on her costume too. She dressed up as Ariel from The Little Mermaid. She had on a red wig, a shell bra (which the shells weren’t even real shells, they were felt), and a green mermaid skirt. She pulled it off really well but it made Louis feel really awkward. Like he kind of wished that she would just put a shirt on or something.

“So most of the kids that are coming are upperclassmen, you’re okay with that, right?” Eleanor asked, turning out onto the street.

“Yeah, that’s fine.”

The rest of the ride was silent aside from Louis’ surprised gasp when Eleanor rested her hand on top of Louis’ on the center console. He thought he’d crave these moments with the person he was dating. The intimate moments. He’d go to bed dreaming about one day having someone hold his hand in car rides, or holding him in his sleep. But now that he had it, maybe it wasn’t that great.

They slide into the party, barely being noticed. Eleanor slid Louis’ arm around her waist as they stood there, laughing with some of Eleanor’s friends from her grade. Maybe Louis was naïve but he was honestly shocked when Eleanor dragged him to her parents’ liquor cabinet and pulled out a fresh bottle of whiskey.

“N-no, I don’t drink.” Louis’ face lit up with a blush. If his mom saw this, she would flip out.

“Really?” She seemed genuinely surprised. “I’ve never met a guy who doesn’t drink.”

“Yeah,” Louis chuckled awkwardly. “I just, I don’t know. I’ve never done it. My mom would freak out.”

“I get it,” Eleanor said, sliding down to sit next to Louis in front of the cabinets. “I didn’t mean to pressure you or anything.”

It’s silent for a few minutes, aside of course, from the booming music and bustling of other people in other parts of the house. Eleanor was actually pretty popular, it seemed that the whole school was here. Except for Niall and Zayn, they were probably out together, Louis thought angrily.

Their silence was interrupted by two people bursting into the kitchen. He recognized one of the boys as the one who gave him that really weird, really awkward interview. Nick something. The two boys were heavily snogging and pulling at each other’s clothes and suddenly Louis felt very awkward.

“Nick, you ho!” Eleanor shouted, laughing as she stood and pulled Louis to his feet.

“Shut up, El!” Nick broke from the other boy’s lips just to stick his tongue out at her. “Why poke fun at me when you could be snogging your own boyfriend?” Nick shot Louis a look that he didn’t understand.

“That’s true,” She turned to him, flirty smile on her lips.

“Um.” Louis stated, glancing behind Eleanor to see Nick smirking at him in a way that Louis did not like at all. “Okay.” So he dove right in. It was very uncomfortable and very awkward and he’d rather not think about it. Again, this was one of the things that Louis would think about doing with the person he’s in a relationship with but it doesn’t measure up to what he’d thought it’d be. Louis chalks it up to the fact that he’s new to the whole tongue in his mouth thing and just boyfriend thing in general. Maybe he just had to settle into it.

When he finally pulls away from Eleanor, Nick and the other boy are gone and it’s just the two of them in the kitchen again. Eleanor watches him with dark eyes as she trails her hand down Louis’ torso. It kind of reminds him of the images that go through his mind when he masturbates but it looks so wrong. Her hand is too small, too frail. Her fingernails are polished, matching her shell bra and this feels too wrong for Louis. He’d be willing to just deal with it but then she rubs herself up against him, making contact with his soft penis and nope. Too far.

“Okay, okay, let’s just not – “

“Do you not want me?” She looked hurt and Louis felt bad.

“No! It’s not that, I just. We only just started dating yesterday. We should take this slow.”

“Oh,” Her smile returns, flicking back the red hair of her wig. “Alright, well let’s go join the party.”

The rest of the party is honestly kind of boring for Louis. There are a lot of people getting wasted and it provides some form of entertainment to watch people make a fool of themselves but still, being the sober one at the party sucks. Eleanor was remaining sober too, just because Louis was, which Louis respects. Except for the fact that she’d run off with the girl who was cast as Rizzo to do god knows what.

Out of boredom, Louis pulled out his phone. He had a text from Liam telling him happy Halloween and a text from his mom saying that she was waiting up and would be making sure that he wasn’t intoxicated. But other than that, nothing. Louis typed a simple, ‘hope ur having fun w Zayn. Don’t eat too much candy tonite like I kno u want to’ to Niall, hoping he didn’t sound like a dick. After he’d had time to think over the things he’d done that day at lunch and he does regret it a bit. He’s still upset because his best friend found a new best friend but he shouldn’t have done what he did.

To Harry, he types, ‘Happy Halloween! Hope you’re having fun with your ‘not boyfriend’ :)’

To Louis’ surprise, Harry’s reply came almost instantly. ‘He actually ditched me :/’ And then another a few seconds later, ‘But thank you, Happy Halloween to you too’

‘Sorry! Do you want to come over?’ Louis’ stomach twisted with nerves as he hit send but he couldn’t help it. He’d been aching to patch things up with Harry. He missed him. He missed when they’d be in constant contact. These past few weeks had been dreadful without Harry.

When Louis’ phone buzzed again, he expected it to be Harry but instead, it was Niall.

‘were havin a blast wish u were here tho. Itd b better that way.’ The text made Louis smile. Maybe Niall did still care about him. He didn’t reply though, he didn’t know what to say. Instead, he waited until Harry’s reply came.

‘sure but we need to talk’

‘okay?’

Louis put his phone away and refocused on the party going on around him. Eleanor was right, most of the kids here were upperclassmen that Louis didn’t know very well. There were some of these kids were in the theater program, there were some who were cast of the Grease musical and some who were techies who did the behind the scenes work here as well so not all was lost. He lifted himself up off of the couch and tried to throw himself into the conversations of those he recognized.

“She told me to fuck off, and then I said – “

“Hey guys!” Louis smiled brightly at them.

“Louis!” A girl in the group said, as they all ignored the person who was talking when Louis joined. “Where’s your bae?”

“Uh, she’s around here somewhere…”

And then everyone was firing questions at him, he kind of felt like he was being interviewed by Nick again. It felt weird to have so many people caring about his personal life like that but he basked in the attention. Plus they weren’t trying to get in his pants like Nick did so he definitely didn’t mind it.

“Lou!” Eleanor’s voice rang out above all the noise as she skipped over to him. She sneaked an arm around his waist, leaning happily into him. “Are you having fun?”

“Yeah,” Louis said, and it wasn’t a total lie. He did love the theater kids. And he loved getting all dressed up for Halloween. “I’ve got to head home soon though, my mom is freaking out.”

There was a chorus of ‘awww’ from those around him but he just shrugged. He wanted to get home and be with Harry. And whatever he wanted to talk about had Louis’ heart beating nervously.

Before he knew it, he and Eleanor were in her car, riding silently to his house. He pulled up to his house at the same time as Anne was pulling away after dropping Harry off. Harry smiled, waving from the driveway.

“Is he why you wanted to leave?” Eleanor sneered.

“No, I – “

“It’s fine babe,” She smiled, leaning close to him from the driver’s seat. “I had fun tonight.” With that, she leaned over and immediately went for a snog. Louis quickly pulled back, knowing that Harry was watching.

“Bye,” He quickly got out of the car and raced over to Harry.

Harry was blushing, staring at the cement of his driveway. When he did look up, he smiled widely. “You look great.”

Louis had forgotten all about dressing up and he blushed. “Thanks. I’m a zombie ex-husband.”

“Oh,” Harry chuckled, “Like from Mean Girls?”

“Obviously,” He smirked. “C’mon, it’s kind of chilly out here.”

As soon as they entered the house, Jay was on him.

“Let me smell your breath. You didn’t have sex with her did you? I swear if I find out – “ She then realized that Harry was in the doorway behind him and she pulled Louis into the kitchen.

“Mom, please,” Louis begged, already really embarrassed. “Don’t do this in front of Harry.”

“Louis,” She said, admonishingly. “Have you broken any of my rules?”

“No, mom. I didn’t drink, I didn’t have sex, I didn’t try to bring Eleanor home, and I didn’t get in the car with a drunk person. I know you think that I’m a piece of shit son but I’m actually not.” Louis sassed.

“You watch your mouth. I should make Harry go home right now.”

“No!” Louis nearly yelled. “I’m sorry for swearing mom. Please don’t make Harry go home.”

“I’ll allow Harry to stay, in your room tonight, if you promise me that your intentions are pure.”

“Mom, Harry’s a boy – “

“Just promise me, Louis.”

“I promise.”

“Alright, now run along.”

Louis brought Harry up to his room after changing out of his costume, the silence between them awkward. He knew that Harry would be curious about what the hell just happened. But he didn’t really want to talk about it so he tried to change the subject.

“So um, what did you want to talk to me about?” Louis was sat, cross legged on his bed while Harry was seated comfortably in his bean bag.

“Nothing really specific, I just wanted to see what’s been going on. Like why have you been so distant with all of us, and then that lunch…”

“I’ve just been really busy with – “

“When are you going to stop using that as an excuse?” There was no venom in Harry’s voice, he just sounded tired.

“What do you mean?” Louis’ heart was beating rapidly.

“You were busy before but you still sat with us at lunch or texted me after practice or rehearsals or found time to do homework with Liam or whatever you and Niall do.”

“Really? Cause it seemed to me that you all were doing fine without me.” Louis said in a tiny voice, finally saying what he’d been feeling these past few weeks.

“What does that even mean, Lou?” For a second, Louis zoned out. He forgot how pretty his name sounded when Harry said it.

“I don’t know…I guess I’ve just been feeling kind of…left out. Do you remember the last time we actually talked and I was upset because you didn’t answer my calls?”

“You mean the time I came out to you?” Harry clarified, seemingly not noticing the way that Louis stiffened just a bit at the mention of Harry’s sexuality.

“Yeah that.” He took in a breath, not really great at talking about his feelings. “Well the reason I was so upset wasn’t really because of you. The day that you didn’t answer my calls, mom had forgotten me at school and taken the girls out. I walked home and found a note. She’d forgotten me. I was upset so I called Niall who didn’t want to hang out because he was with Zayn. And then I called Liam but he was doing homework. And you didn’t answer at all. I just felt like…I don’t know, like you guys didn’t think I mattered. So I started hanging out with the theater kids because they always notice me.”

“Louis, I’m so sorry.” Harry heaved himself up from the bean bag and sat next to Louis. “You know you do matter to us. And to your mom.”

“Sometimes it just doesn’t feel like it. And the theater kids love me because I got the lead so it’s nice but it’s not the same with you guys.”

Things are quiet for a few minutes. Harry has a hand resting on Louis’ knee, probably trying to comfort him but all it’s doing is making Louis all jittery. It’s like he’s hyper-aware of the hand on his knee, like it’s scorching itself into his skin.

“You’re jealous of Zayn aren’t you? Is that why you did what you did at lunch?” Harry asked quietly.

Louis just shrugged, not willing to admit it out loud. He hated when he got all dramatic so he tried to keep it to himself. Obviously that didn’t always work very well.

“That’s perfectly normal you know. When your best friend starts hanging out with someone else more than they hang out with you, it’s normal to be upset about it.”

“I guess.” Louis yawned loudly. “I’m tired, we should just go to bed.”

A few minutes later, they are lying next to each other in Louis’ bed, both obviously still awake.

“I’m sorry that your boyfriend blew you off.” Louis said, truly feeling bad. That must have really hurt Harry and Louis kind of wants to punch whoever did this in the nuts.

“He’s not my boyfriend, we’re just talking.” Harry scrubbed at his face, stifling a yawn.

“What does that mean, ‘you’re just talking’?” Louis wasn’t being rude or anything, he literally had no idea.

“Like…we kind of have this flirtationship…and we fuck. But like, he says he likes me he just doesn’t want to make it official yet because his parents aren’t…accepting.”

“Wait, you fucked him?” Louis was taken aback. Sex was only for a committed, loving, longtime relationship.

“Yeah.” Harry shrugged as if it were no big deal and that literally blew Louis away.

“Why? Do you love each other?” Louis wasn’t trying to be nosy, although he was curious if Harry had fallen in love with someone.

“No. I mean, I think I could. But like not presently.”

“Then why do you have sex?” He was genuinely curious.

“Um because we do. We’re just hooking up. It doesn’t mean anything. It’s not supposed to mean anything. It’s like friends with benefits.”

“But if you think you could fall in love, how is that just friends?”

“Louis, just let it be.”

Silence filled the dark room but Louis was aching to ask one more question. This was Harry, he knew Harry wouldn’t judge him for being curious.

“Just spit it out.” Harry sighed, turning on his side to face Louis.

“What’s it like?” Louis whispered, eyes roaming anywhere to stay away from Harry’s gaze.

“What’s what like?”

“Sex. With a boy.” Louis stuttered the words out, feeling his entire body flush.

“It’s,” Harry took a large breath, exhaling slowly. “fantastic. It’s like, imagine that awesome feeling you get when someone laughs at one of your jokes or that standing ovation because you’re pleasing people, imagine that times like a thousand. And obviously it feels amazing. It’s like wanking but so, so much better.”

“Isn’t that a name people call each other? What does that have to do with sex?”

“…You don’t know what wanking means…?” Harry looked to Louis with a confused face and Louis just wants to take that question back. Now Harry probably thinks he’s stupid. He chose not to respond. “Louis, are you serious? Tell me you’re joking.”

“Um.”

“Hasn’t your mom ever given you the talk?” Harry’s cheeks were nearly as red as Louis’ were.

“Not in so many words…” God, Louis wished he’d never brought this up, this is so embarrassing.

“Well,” Harry sighed again, clearing his throat. “Wanking is another term for…masturbation.”

“O-oh.” Louis shifted very awkwardly. They should not be talking about this. If his mom heard…

“It’s okay you know. That you don’t know.” Harry says into the very awkward silence. Louis doesn’t say anything and eventually they both drift to sleep.

When they wake up the next morning, Louis has the overwhelming urge to touch Harry. Not in that way, although…, anyway, he wants to run his fingers through the tangles of Harry’s curls or feel his heart beat through his chest or slip his fingers between Harry’s but that’d be totally gay so he refrains. However, he can’t keep himself from watching Harry.

Embarrassingly, Harry opens his eyes and catches Louis. “Do I look cute in my sleep or summat?”

“Yeah.” Louis smiles. On the inside, he’s freaking out just a bit at admitting it but Harry was joking around so he was just playing along.

Harry flushes just slightly. “You’re not so bad yourself.” A beat passes before, “’m hungry.”

“My mom just left, she had an early shift. And I hate to admit it but I’m a shit cook. Normally I just make Lottie make us food but unfortunately and also very fortunately, all my sisters are at friends’ house.”

“…I can cook…” Harry offers quietly.

So that’s how they end up with Harry’s hand wrapped around Louis’, helping him learn how to whisk the eggs. Louis thinks he forgot how to function. Harry is pretty much pressed against his back and Louis is too concentrated on proper in and out breaths to really take in whatever Harry is saying about whisking. All too soon though, Harry deemed the eggs well whisked and then they weren’t touching at all. Louis tries not to pout when Harry pours the eggs into the skillet with the browned sausage.

“So where’d you learn to cook?”

“My mom. I always wanted to know how so when I got old enough, she started teaching me simple things like that.”

“That’s nice,” Louis smiles lightly.

“It’s funny that your mom never taught you.” Harry asks, obviously trying to sound casual. It was a known fact that Louis did not like talking about his relationship with his mom. God forbid his dad. “You know, with you being the oldest and all.”

“Yeah well,” Louis sighs, trying for the vaguest thing he could say to explain. “My mom had other things going on so.”

“Like what?” Harry stirred at the mixture cooking on the stove, not looking at Louis.

“Few years ago she went through a really bad divorce.” It was quiet. Louis never, never talked about what happened between her and Mark. It was the sorest of sore subjects for Louis. Niall doesn’t even really know what happened and he was in Louis’ life when it happened.

“I’m sorry,” Harry abruptly pulled Louis into the tightest hug they’d ever exchanged. Louis nearly whimpered. He wasn’t used to such strong affection. “My parents were divorced when I was seven. It turned into a huge custody battle and it was hard. So, I get it.”

Louis didn’t say anything, he just rested his head on Harry’s shoulder, never wanting this hug to end. Something about it just seemed to make Louis feel like everything clicked. The hug lasted longer than even Louis could find an excuse for.

When Harry pulled back, Louis couldn’t hide a pout. Louis looked away from Harry as quickly as possible. His heart was pounding, sending weird feelings all through his body. Why? Why did being around Harry always make him feel so weird and crazy? Louis would usually just straight up ask but seeing as his question last night led to very awkward silence between the two of them, so no, he wouldn’t ask about that.

Harry spends the weekend at Louis’ house and not a second of their time is spent on their English paper.

-

“Hey babe,” Eleanor meets Louis at the doors of their high school, bright and early Monday morning. She slips her small hand in his, just clasping, not with the fingers intertwined. Even still, it gives Louis a sense of comfort. Not really in the way Louis always dreamed that a relationship would more, it feels safe and that comforts Louis.

They walk around the halls, checking out the activities board together. Louis’ last game is broadcasted everywhere, their school promoting it like it’s the best thing they’ll see all year. Not that Louis really minds, he adores football and the coach says he may actually be good enough to get a scholarship from it when the time comes to start thinking about college so, yeah the school can promote it all they want.

“I’m coming, you know.” Eleanor says, walking closer to Louis as the halls start filling with kids. “To the big game. Everyone’s talking about how great you will be, I’d be a terrible girlfriend if I didn’t come see you.”

Louis chuckled softly, “Well I’m glad you’ll be there.”

Eventually the bell rings and Louis heads to English class. For the past few weeks, Louis and Harry had ignored each other during the one class that they had together but Louis was kind of excited to take his seat and wait for Harry to arrive. Of course, Harry is late to class so they couldn’t talk. And then their teacher reminds them that their paper is due on Thursday and Harry turns around in his seat and winked at Louis. Like he legit winked at him and dammit, Louis didn’t listen to a single thing their teacher said for the rest of the period.

He and Harry walked the halls together, just messing about until they both had to race to their next classes, barely making it on time. Eleanor found him between his other classes and he walked her to class like he figured a boyfriend should. Granted, he was late to nearly all of his classes, but he did it anyway.

On his way to lunch, he was pulled aside by an unknown source.

“What the hell?” He asked, turning to see the raven haired boy scowling at him. “Oh, Zayn, hey – “

“What’s your angle?” He demanded.

“Um…what do you mean?” Louis looked at him with genuine confusion.

“With Niall.”

“I don’t…have an angle?” Louis was completely and totally confused. “Zayn, what are you even talking about?”

“You want him.” Zayn cocked a hip to the side, sass seeping out of him.

“Ohhh,” Louis laughed. “You’re jealous of me? You have nothing to worry about. I don’t want him, that’s just you.” He couldn’t help but get a bit defensive when someone was basically attacking him.

“Whatever,” Zayn crossed his arms. “All I know is that our table is full.” And with that, he stalked off.

Louis was pissed when he plopped down next to Eleanor at the theater kids’ table. Fuck all this fucking shit. He had practice tonight and he didn’t even give a fuck enough to actually eat lunch. When did his life become this huge fucking rollercoaster? Just when he felt like he’d patched things up with everyone (except Zayn apparently) a wrench had to go and throw itself into everything. He wasn’t even in the mood to let Eleanor touch him. When she’d grabbed at his hand, he instantly pulled away mumbling a fierce,

“Don’t.”

She looked hurt but Louis couldn’t even bring himself to care. He just couldn’t do it today.

When school was over, he had the overwhelming urge to just skip practice but he knew coach would have his head if he did and that’d be much worse than getting out of today. Drills were hard. They ran so much one of the other guys nearly had an asthma attack. Louis loved it though, it always focused him. Even if it didn’t seem to last that long, it still helped him focus. He was nervous for the game. It seemed like ever since he’d beasted through the Norsemen game, everyone seemed to think that he was the key to winning. It was like so many people were depending on him for so many different things and he was trying to please everyone so much that he forgot that the reason he’d done all of this in the first place. For fun.

In the locker rooms, Niall was waiting for Louis once he’d finished his shower. Lately Louis had just been twiddling his thumbs until everyone else was finished with their shower so he didn’t have to feel awkward. So by the time he’d came back to get his things, the locker room was empty. Aside from Niall playing angry birds on his phone.

“Hey Nialler.” Louis said, trying to not think about how awkward things had gotten between them when they used to be best friends.

“Lou,” Niall looked up from his phone, standing as Louis gathered his things. “I missed you at lunch today.”

“Yeah well uh, Eleanor wanted me to sit with her so.” Louis wasn’t really sure why he lied. All it did was protect Zayn but maybe Louis’d wanted to protect Zayn. Even though Zayn was pretty rude to him, not that it was unwarranted.

“That’s cool,” They started walking towards the front of the school, awkwardness following them. “So um, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have asked Zayn to trick or treat with me instead of you.”

“It’s fine, like I said, I had that party so.” Louis shrugged, acting as if it wasn’t really a big deal. He was dramatic but at the same time, he had a hard time admitting when someone hurt him.

“Well I still feel bad.” Niall’s mom honked from the front parking lot. Louis’ mom, as usual, was late. “I’ve gotta go but I’ll see you tomorrow.”

Louis sighed, sliding down the wall and pulling out his homework. He’d gotten slightly behind with his homework due to his busy social life so he had quite a bit of it. Algebra 1 was kicking his butt, he’d have to text Liam for help later. He knew that he should probably at least try to finish some of his homework but instead he just put everything away and closed his eyes.

“Louis?”

He didn’t really mean for that groan to slip out. “Yes?”

“Um, is this a bad time?”

“No,” Louis opened his eyes, not recognizing the person talking to him.

“Okay well um, I just found this in the hallway, I think it belongs to you.” The boy handed him a folded piece of paper with his name written on it.

“Thanks,” Louis took it even though he’d never seen it before. If he weren’t so exhausted, he’d probably look at it but he was so tired, he just stuffed it in his backpack and closed his eyes again.

He’d actually fallen asleep sitting there waiting for his mom. The car honking scared him awake, it’d probably only been like ten minutes.

The rest of the day passes in a tired blur for Louis. His mom had to work another late shift so he’d had to help take care of his sisters who he’s glad to help it’s just, little sisters are exhausting. And it was only Monday. As much as he loved football, he couldn’t wait for the season to be over so that he’d have a little more down time.

Just after Louis had settled down to sleep, his phone rang. Normally he’d just ignore it but when the caller id showed that it was Harry, Louis couldn’t answer fast enough.

“Harry!” Louis nearly kicked himself, he sounded way too damn excited to get a call from his guy friend.

“Lou!” Harry mocked Louis, laughing just slightly.

“Shut up,” A blush creeped up onto Louis’ cheeks. “I was excited.”

“Aw, I’m excited to talk to you too.”

A huge smile spreads across Louis’ face and he feels his heart jumping in his chest. “I’m so glad you’re not mad at me anymore.” He says before he can stop himself.

“I wasn’t mad. Okay, I was kind of mad but only because I thought you were mad at me because you’d started ignoring me. But hey, that’s in the past. We’re friends again, right?”

“Of course,” Louis says instantly.

“Anyway,” Harry said after a moment of quiet. “I called because my boyfriend just left and guess what?”

“Wait, I thought you’d said he wasn’t your boyfriend. You’re just talking.” A weird feeling twisted itself into Louis’ fast beating heart.

“He’s not. Not yet. He told me he loves me tonight though. I think he’s going to make it official soon.” Harry sounded so excited but Louis just wanted to cry.

“How long have you guys been at this?” Louis couldn’t help but ask.

“Just a few weeks, almost a month.”

“Wait, so he told you he loved you and it hasn’t even been a month? Harry, that’s – “

“Romantic. It’s romantic.”

“But I thought you said that you didn’t love him? And that was like two days ago.” Louis didn’t mean to sound disapproving but he didn’t approve.

“Well I do now. Don’t sound so … I don’t know. This is a good thing Lou.”

“Well,” Louis could feel tears welling up in his eyes. “I’m happy for you. I’m um, I’m tired I’ll see you tomorrow.” He hung up before Harry could say anything else.

It pisses Louis off because he doesn’t even understand why he’s crying but the tears wouldn’t stop flowing from his eyes. He held his pillow close to his chest as he tried to be quiet. The last thing he needed was his mom finding him like this. She’d go all crazy trying to figure out what had upset him and Louis wouldn’t even be able to answer her question because he had no idea why he was so upset. It was probably just all the pressure getting to him. Eventually, he fell asleep.

-

It was so cold. Even after the pre-game warm ups, Louis had goosebumps all up and down his arms and legs. Louis loved when their games were later at night so they had to turn the lights on. It reminded him of the spotlight he had on stage, but instead of performing on a stage, he performed on the football field.

The stadium was packed, rumbling and cheering before the game had even started. He knew that Eleanor was in the crowd somewhere but he also knew that Harry was there somewhere with his (not) boyfriend and Louis couldn’t help but search for him. He didn’t find him before the whistle was blowing and the game started.

Louis was in the zone. He had the ball and he was racing down the field when he looked up. Out of pure coincidence, he saw Harry in the crowd being led away by someone that Louis only caught a glimpse of. All Louis saw was a familiar looking black quiff. Still, it was enough to distract him and give their opponents the opportunity to steal the ball from him.

“What were you thinking?!” Coach yelled at Louis during the next time out. “You cost us a point, Louis! Do you know what the score is now?!”

“One to noth – “

“One to nothing! You could have just cost us the whole damn game, Tomlinson. You better get your shit together!”

As they were jogging back on the field, Niall caught up with him.

“Don’t listen to Coach, he’s just stressed. You’re doing fine.” And then the blonde boy was off to his position in the goal.

Time was running out, they were tied, one to one, and Louis had the ball again. The other team was hot on his tail, trying to steal the ball from him. He could hear the crowd counting down but in that moment, everything went silent in Louis’ head. He could see the goalie shaking in his gear, a little too much to the left to be centered at the goal.

Louis neared the goal, aiming the ball in the top right of the goal, hoping with everything he had that the goalie would miss it. The ball went soaring and for Louis, time seemed to stop, watching in slow motion as the ball went right where Louis’d aimed it to go. The goalie jumped, the tips of his fingers catching the ball but not enough to actually hit the ball away. The ball soared past the goalie’s hands, hitting the net and suddenly all the sound came rushing back to Louis and everyone was cheering. His teammates were running towards him, lifting him on their shoulders and Louis couldn’t grasp it. He’d done it. He scored the game-winning goal!

When he was let down, Eleanor was there, jumping up and down with excitement. “You were so good! I knew you’d be amazing! I’m so proud of you!”

Her words had hit a sore spot for Louis. He wasn’t sure why, but it reminded him of how Mark used to come to all of his games and be proud of him. He was happy that Louis excelled in the masculine sport and Louis was glad to have a dad that he could make proud. He only dwelled on that sadness for a moment before he was hugging his girlfriend, pressing a kiss to her cheek.

That night, when he got home, the house was empty. His mom had to work late so she’d gotten someone else to watch the girls while Louis was at his game. Damn, for being so well known and so “popular” he was pretty fucking lonely.

Again, Louis chose not to dwell on it. Instead he focused on the awesome game that he played tonight until he finally fell asleep.

The next day, the team met up at the school to have a closing of the season party. Coach made a heartwarming speech and Louis thought he even saw his eyes tear up just a bit. It was a welcome change from the constant yelling.

Niall was there but he’d brought Zayn with him so they didn’t hang out all too much. Zayn kept giving him these looks and Louis had just about had it. Niall was his best friend. He has never been attracted to Niall like that, ever. It was time for Zayn to stop freaking the fuck out over this.

And he would have went over there and said it too, if it weren’t for the fact that Eleanor was attached to his hip. Louis found that he really liked her, it was true they had chemistry. But he didn’t understand why they had to be constantly touching, like just standing next to each other wasn’t enough for her or something.

Another thing Louis noticed at the party was that Chris kept stealing looks at him too. The odd thing was, normally Chris tried to threaten him with his eyes but not this time. Through Chris’ black eye, he was just staring blankly at Louis. An empty stare, nearly constantly. Louis felt a bit creeped out so he just brushed it off and tried to focus on whatever Eleanor was saying about crop tops.

Overall, the party was pretty boring. He was walking out with Eleanor, trying to make himself taller. She’d decided to wear heels to the party which made her taller than him which was massively embarrassing. He did enjoy watching other guys look at him in awe because Eleanor cleaned up really well though.

“So do you want to come over for a bit?” She smiled at him as she pulled off her heels and slipped on flip flops to drive in.

“Sure,” Louis shrugged, pulling on his seatbelt.

When they got to her house, she led him up to her room. It was spotless. She had trophies everywhere from singing competitions that she had won or dance recitals or acting classes and it was a bit overwhelming. Eleanor had skipped off to the bathroom in her room so Louis sat on her bed, awkwardly twiddling his thumbs and looking at all her pictures from past productions.

“Lou,” Eleanor called from the bathroom as the sink turned off. She opened the door, no longer wearing the dark blue dress she wore to the football party, now she was in shorts and a cami. “My um, my parents won’t be home for another two hours.”

“Oh that’s cool.” Louis swallowed, standing as she walked closer to him. One of her hands delicately grasped at his neck and Louis felt like, he felt like he should be going home and watching his sisters or playing fifa with Liam or even doing chores. He should not be doing this. This was uncomfortable.

She kissed him roughly and Louis was pulling back, realizing why she had brought him here.

“I’m not having sex with you.” He said, shaking with nerves.

“Why not?” She legit pouted.

“What happened to taking this slow?” Louis wondered, taking steps back and putting some space between them.

“We are, it’s been like a week or something.” She shrugged, stepping closer as if those words would convince him.

“Well, that’s not taking it slow in my book.” Louis took another step back, hitting the wall.

“C’mon, I’ve never met a guy who would turn down sex. It’s not that big of a deal.” One of her hands gripped Louis’ shirt, trying to pull him closer, which did not work, Louis wouldn’t budge.

“It is for me.” He pulled his hand from her shirt, hating that he felt like such a girl. But he wouldn’t do it if he wasn’t ready. And he certainly wasn’t. And honestly, he didn’t even think he could keep a hard on enough to actually have sex with her. He just didn’t want it. “I’m really uncomfortable. Could you please take me home?”

“Sure,” Obviously she was upset but Louis would not compromise himself for this. He would not.

The ride home was very awkward, he couldn’t even look at her. He sat as close to the door as he could and kept his arms crossed tightly over his chest. The urge to cry was there and he wasn’t even sure why. Maybe because she’d made it pretty clear that Louis was weird for not wanting to have sex, it was just another person telling him that he wasn’t normal. That what he wasn’t feeling wasn’t normal. Well, Louis just saw it as a challenge, he’d just have to work harder at being normal. Just not with this. Not with sex.

As soon as the car stopped, he jumped out and ran inside. Jay was in the kitchen cooking them dinner, smiling pleasantly.

“Hey sweetie!” She yelled when she heard Louis come in through the front door.

“Hey mom.” He went into the kitchen and grabbed an apple to hold him over until dinner was finished. “Why are you so happy looking?”

“What? It’s nothing, sweetie, just a good day at work. I’m making sweet and sour chicken, your favorite.”

Louis thanked her and headed to his room. Once the thought of not being normal popped into his brain, he couldn’t leave it alone. Like obviously it was normal to have sex with people and apparently it didn’t always have to involve feelings. He didn’t love Eleanor and she didn’t love him but yet she was fine with having sex. Maybe it shouldn’t have been strange to Louis. Like Harry was his age and he wasn’t a virgin, he was having sex with some guy who still remained nameless, that he didn’t love at first but apparently they love each other now and it just seemed too complicated. Suddenly Louis wondered if he was the only virgin of all of his friends. It wouldn’t surprise him if Niall had had sex and not told him, he knew that Louis never had the desire to talk about sexual things so they avoided it at all costs. He wasn’t sure about Zayn, normally he’d assume that since Zayn had never been in a relationship, that he was a virgin but apparently a relationship wasn’t a prerequisite for sex. However, he was pretty sure that Liam was a virgin, Liam was too straight edge to have sex outside of a relationship. But then again, what the hell did he know? He was a freak who wasn’t jumping at the chance to lose the big v card.

He wanted to talk to someone about this but there was no way in hell that he was going to his mom. She’d already warned him that anything that had to do with sex was bad unless it was within a loving relationship. She’d probably have a cow that he was thinking about it, probably would accuse him of having sex with Eleanor and wouldn’t listen that he did not want to have sex with her. Liam would probably just blush and be all embarrassed as would Louis and those two just don’t go together. Someone in the conversation had to be the confident one. He still kind of felt like he and Niall were on the rocks, there was this tension between them and therefore, adding sex to the conversation would be unbearably awkward. And for obvious reasons, Zayn wasn’t even an option. He really needed to remember to pull Zayn aside and have a talk with him. In all honesty, he wanted to talk to Harry about this, but obviously Harry had wanted sex so maybe he wouldn’t understand Louis not wanting it.

Louis sighed, rubbing his face with his hands. God, when did life get so complicated? Life used to be so simple. He’d have a blast with footie, homework was still easy and school was fun. He and Niall ruled the jungle gym and no one ever gave him trouble. The most complicated part was putting away those weird, abnormal feelings he got about some boys, but even that was mostly easy because he had the attention span of a freaking squirrel. But now he had to deal with that fucking algebra shit, his best friend being best friends with someone else, people calling him a fag, and these weird feelings towards Harry, and erections and girlfriends and sex and dammit even football because sort of a chore for him.

For the rest of the weekend, Louis enlisted the help of his sisters and rehearsed. He felt mostly confident that he was ready, his nerves about the impending opening night were getting in his way. The whole school was literally going to watch him and if he fucked it up, he’d never recover. He’d have to transfer schools.

Eleanor called him like ten times but he just wasn’t in the mood for her. He’d clearly set a boundary and she broke it and even tried to pressure him. So maybe he was the most abnormal fourteen-almost fifteen-year old boy ever for not wanting to have sex with Eleanor but that didn’t mean that she shouldn’t have respected his wishes. So no, he did not answer her calls or texts.

What truly surprised him was when he walked in the front doors on Monday and four of the theater girls ran up to him,

“Word is you and El are on the rocks.” Two of them looped their arms through Louis’, pulling him along through the hall.

“Um.”

“Well don’t you worry, we wouldn’t be mad if you broke up with her.”

“I don’t even know your name…” Louis admits, pulling his arms from the girls’ grasp.

“You don’t have to, everyone knows yours and that’s all that really matters. See you around, Louis Tomlinson.” The girls walked away and Louis stood there watching as they walked down the hall, stunned.

“Hey Harry,” Louis set his things down in class, praising the lord the Harry was actually early to their English class for the first time in forever.

“Lou!” Harry smiled brightly, dimples showing. He really is the cutest thing that Louis has ever seen. In a bro way. “What’s up?”

“Do you think I’m popular?” Louis asked, biting his lip. He hoped he didn’t sound conceited or anything, people kept telling him that everyone knows him and it is odd.

“Yeah,” Harry sighed. “You’re like, king of both cliques Lou and that is hard to do. We’re only in freshman year and you landed yourself the lead and you’re basically a little ball of fire on the field. That’s huge.”

“Why though? Like, I’m not that special, I’m just me.” He shrugged. It was beyond him how this even happened.

“You’re joking right? You are one of the special people, you are the funniest person I know, you are so smart, you are an amazing big brother and son, and you have the prettiest face I’ve ever seen. You’ve got everything, the personality, the looks. Everyone wants what you have, pure talent. And everyone wants you.”

“Everyone?” Louis whispered, suddenly finding the defaced desk very interesting.

“Everyone.” Harry replied just as quietly. He cleared his throat and then continued, “I mean like, even my boyfriend always talks about you.”

“Oh?” Dammit, he was an actor, why couldn’t he act casual around Harry when he brought up his boyfriend? “He asked you out then?”

“Well,” Harry inhaled deeply, letting it out slowly as the bell rang. Luckily, the teacher was busy with another student. “No. But we’re basically boyfriends so.”

“Are you ever going to tell me who this mystery guy is?” At least then Louis would know who it was, could maybe even try to get him to back off. Because he seemed sketchy whoever the hell he was, that’s why.

“He doesn’t really want me to talk about it to people, I’m sure that he’ll come around eventually.”

“Har – “

“Alright class, let’s get started by taking out your journals…”

Louis pulled his heavy coat on, feeling nervous. He normally had practice on these days but since the season was over, he was free to head home, on the bus. He almost wished that he would have went out for basketball so he could avoid this. But he was complete shit, plus he was probably too short to be on the basketball team. So he zipped up and headed to his bus. This is would be the first time that he and Zayn would be alone since Zayn basically told him to fuck off. Nerves swirled around in his stomach as he climbed aboard and spotted Zayn with an empty space next to him.

“Mind if I sit here?” Louis asked, not knowing what he’d do if Zayn said no.

“Whatever.” He shot Louis that look that he’d been giving him ever since Louis called him out on liking Niall.

For the first few minutes of the ride, things were silent between the two. The tension was thick. But Louis swallowed his pride and began the conversation he’d been meaning to have with Zayn since that day at lunch.

“I’m um, I’m sorry. For you know, what I did.” Louis busied himself with playing with the zipper of his backpack, avoiding Zayn’s gaze but still feeling the glare he was giving him.

“You know, I think I made myself pretty clear on where I stand, Louis.”

“Okay well apparently I didn’t. I swear to you that I don’t like Niall at all like that. For one, he’s a guy and for two, he was my best friend. I mean I guess you took that title from me but it doesn’t change the fact that we have spent our lives together, he is my brother. I don’t like him, I swear.”

“So what he’s a guy? That doesn’t give me any security.”

“Look, I am dating Eleanor, which means I am taken anyway.”

“Also doesn’t give me any security.”

“What you think I’d cheat on Eleanor with my best friend that’s – “ Louis cut himself off to take a calming breath. Obviously anger didn’t get through to Zayn. If he wanted to make up with him, neither of them could continue this quiet hostility.

“That’s not what I meant and you know it.” Zayn looked so terrifying when he was upset. He sighed, seemingly realizing the same thing that Louis just did. “Just tell me why. You obviously figured out that I like him. Why would you do what you did?”

“I was jealous,” Louis held eye contact with Zayn, hating every second of it because feelings talks made him feel really girly and he hated, hated, hated it. “The trick or treating thing was our thing and I was upset because he didn’t invite me. So I tried to hurt you because it hurt me to be left out. But it was stupid and I’m sorry.”

Zayn seemed to mull it over for a moment before he spoke. “Apology accepted. You know, Niall really is a perfect match maker. He set me up with a bird I’d probably really like if I weren’t so hung up on Niall.”

“Who?” Louis asked, sounding dramatic but he didn’t give a fuck. He loved gossip, sue him.

“Perrie Edwards. We’ve gone out like twice but I think I’d rather just be friends with her, it wouldn’t be fair since I’m basically in love with him.” He shrugged as if it weren’t really a big deal and Louis envied him.

“So are you like bisexual?” It was an uncomfortable subject but he dealt with it.

“More like pansexual.”

“…Pansexual…?” Louis had never heard the term before. He wondered if Zayn was just messing with him but he turned to Louis, completely serious.

“It’s like, I don’t fall in love with a gender, I fall in love with the personality. I don’t really know too much about the different labels, I haven’t done too much research but yeah. I like Niall, that’s the certainty here.”

“Speaking of sexualities…” Louis said quietly as the bus neared his stop. Zayn looked almost like he was excited even though he had no idea what Louis was about to say. “You do know that Niall is straight, right?”

It wasn’t that Louis wanted to hurt Zayn, no he was past that. He just wanted Zayn to not get in too deep with Niall because of feelings that Niall can’t reciprocate. No one deserves that kind of heartache. Not that Louis would know about that, but still.

“Do I?” Zayn asked as the bus stopped for Louis to get off.

-

“I’m really sorry, you know.” Eleanor said at rehearsals on Thursday.

“We’ll talk later,” Louis whispered to her as the drama teacher called all of their attention.

“If you’ve been paying attention to the schedules that I gave you, you’d know that we have exactly two weeks until opening night. Now, I know there is so much talent here, it’s why I cast all of you. But, don’t get lazy or complacent now, let’s finish this out strong, yeah? Oh and also, I will remind you all of this next week but the Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday before opening night will be our dress rehearsals so be here. And also, don’t forget that we’re doing the teaser for the school on Thursday so I’ll be sending out an email to all of your second hour teachers to let you go early. Okay, Eleanor, we need to go over Hopelessly Devoted to You again, its…”

Louis had zoned out just a bit since he was not needed for that part. Most of the time he’d go back to studying his lines or trying to do the steps of the dances without the music but he was frozen with nerves. Had it really been three weeks since the Halloween party? It didn’t seem like it.

They rehearsed and rehearsed and rehearsed, seemingly going harder that day than they ever had before and Louis was exhausted. He’d honestly forgotten all about talking with Eleanor once they were finished.

“Let me give you a ride home.” She was all soft which was unusual and weird for Louis. He agreed because he didn’t like to dwell on things and he didn’t really want to break up with her. Having a girlfriend was safe, he needed safe.

The ride was mostly silent. Louis was still mostly avoiding contact with her, but not as badly as the last time they were together. She didn’t try to grab his hand like she normally would have so Louis figured she truly was sorry.

“So um,” She parked her car in front of Louis’ house, turning to face him. “I’m really sorry about the other day. I’m just not used to guys wanting to wait. I mean, I had my first boyfriend when I was in eighth grade and he wanted me to give him a hand job before we’d even properly kissed. And I was being so disrespectful to you and I honestly feel like a piece of shit. We need to sit here and properly talk about what your boundaries are when it comes to sex, just tell me what you do and don’t want and I will respect it, I promise you.”

“Um,” Louis blushed from the tips of his ears all the way down his chest. He knew that he wanted to talk to someone about sex but not like this. This was embarrassing and awkward for Louis. He tried the vaguest thing so that this would be done and over with. “Nothing, for a long, long time. I have to be in a relationship for a long time before…”

“Alright, nothing for a long time, I can do that.” This time she didn’t make him feel like it was abnormal to want to wait, she just accepted and that was nice. That was what he wanted in a relationship. Maybe this would really work. “I’m still so sorry for pressuring you.”

“It’s okay.”

“Hey,” She turned his face and they kissed. It was okay. “See you later, bae.”

Louis trudged upstairs, ignoring the fact that his mom looked like she was glowing as she cooked dinner again, and flopped down on his bed. Something wasn’t there with his relationship with Eleanor. He couldn’t ignore it anymore. He’d thought that maybe he just needed to learn how to be someone’s boyfriend (and maybe he still does cause he feels like he’s not doing too great in that department) but that’s not really it or at least he doesn’t think so. Kissing is fun because it’s kissing but it’s not like fucking huge fireworks and electricity shooting through his body every time their lips touch. And he doesn’t really like being close to her in that way. He loves her as his friend and co-lead of the musical, they have tons of laughs and tons of memories that he’ll look back on with a smile, but the girlfriend aspect, he didn’t think the puzzle pieces fit.

He pulled out his phone and dialed the only person he knew to call in a situation like this. For a moment, he feared that he would reject Louis’ call but after what felt like the millionth ring,

“’Ello?”

“Harry? You sound like you just ran a marathon, are you okay?” Louis asked, concerned. Harry sounded like he couldn’t catch his breath and Louis knew that the boy had asthma, what if he was having an asthma attack?!

“No I’m fine. N-My boyfriend just left so. Anyway,” Harry inhaled and exhaled, still trying to catch his breath. “What’s up?”

“I wanted to talk to you about something…kind of personal.”

“Shoot.”

“Okay well you’re the only other person I know who’s in a relationship so…I don’t really know how to start…”

“Just be blunt, Louis. Complete honesty is always the best.”

“Alright, okay,” Louis took a deep breath and just said it. “I – do you – what’s it like when you kiss your boyfriend?”

“What do you mean? It feels like lips and tongues and – “

“No,” Louis tried not to think about another guy with his tongue in Harry’s mouth. “I mean like emotionally. Like – “

“It doesn’t really feel like anything really special. I mean I love him and he loves me so that’s special but I mean, there’s no sparks. That’s just stuff for novels and movies, Lou, it’s not real life.”

“Okay so it’s not bad that I don’t feel anything when I kiss Eleanor?” He clarified, already feeling relieved.

“…No…” Harry hesitated but Louis just chalked it up to him regaining breath.

“Thanks, Harry!”

When they hung up, Louis felt a mix of relief and disappointment. He was relieved that there wasn’t yet another thing that made him abnormal but he was also disappointed because he wanted the touches and kisses and sex when he was 25 and ready, to be full of sparks and fireworks and passion and love. But apparently that’s all just make believe.

-

On Friday, Louis chose to sit with his original group of four instead of with the theater kids. Since it seemed like he and Zayn were okay with each other, Louis assumed that the ‘our table is full’ ban had been lifted.

“Louis, my man!” Liam nearly shouted when Louis took a seat next to Zayn. “To what do we owe the honor?”

“Sod off,” Louis smiled widely, finally feeling like things were going back to how they should be. Besides the fact that Niall still seemed somewhat distant, like he was not trying to make Louis his best friend again, but just back to friend status. Louis hoped he was just reading too much into things.

“So when’s opening night? I am coming to see you just so you know.” Liam seemed so excited, it made Louis feel bad for how wrapped up he’d been in the Zayn and Niall drama and even the drama with Harry. He needed to make more time for Liam.

“December 8th, a day less than two weeks from now.” He put on his brave face. No one would know how nervous he is.

“My boyfriend and I are going to be there too.” Harry added and the whole table went silent. “What?”

“Are you actually going to stay or are you going to sneak off like you did at our game so we can’t meet him?” Niall sounded like he was poking fun but Louis knew him well enough to know that there was a shred of truth in what he was saying.

“He’s just…very secretive about us because he doesn’t want his parents to find out. He said he might be willing to meet you all. Although he says he’s already met Louis.” Harry turned to Louis, smiling brightly.

“Oh?” Louis asked, picking his brain, thinking about all the guys he has met this semester. “Don’t suppose you could tell me who he is or at least a hint?” Harry shook his head, curls bouncing slightly in that adorable way that they do. “Damn.”

“I don’t care what you say, Harry, this sounds sketchy. Are you sure you’re not just – “ Zayn had started to say but he was interrupted by Liam.

“Leave Harry alone. He can be the judge of the people he chooses to fool around with. If he does turn out to be sketchy well, lesson learned, hopefully, and if he doesn’t then we should all feel like proper dicks for criticizing someone forced into the closet.”

Liam’s words had silenced everyone. Harry was grinning to himself, Niall was blushing, Zayn looked guilty and Louis was done with this conversation. He hated talking about Harry’s boyfriend or not boyfriend or whatever the hell was going on there. He still was ragingly jealous of this mystery guy for no damn reason and it pissed him off because he couldn’t reign his feelings in or try to squash them down; no matter what he did, those feelings were always there.

“All five of us should hang out this weekend. We all don’t really ever get to hang out as a group anymore.” Louis spoke into the silence at their table.

“Yeah, that’s be amazing!” Liam looked stoked. “C’mon lads, everyone should come over to my house! My parents are on a business trip until Sunday afternoon, we should all spend the weekend at my place.”

“Count me in.” Louis exclaimed excitedly. “Harry?”

“I had plans with – “ Harry interrupted himself when he saw the look on Louis’ face. “I guess I could come over after. I’ll be a bit late though.”

“Fantastic. Zayn?” Louis turned to face Zayn, smiling widely at him.

“Yeh I’ll go.”

“Niall?” It felt like the first time that Louis had addressed Niall directly in so freaking long, it made Louis’ heartache for his best friend. Niall remained silent for longer than necessary and Louis was worried he’d say no.

“Will there be food?” He had turned to look at Liam.

“Yes there will be food at my house Niall.” Liam rolled his eyes playfully. Wow, Louis may be rubbing off on him.

“I’m in.”

-

Louis is the second to arrive at Liam’s house later that evening. When he gets there, Niall is already on the couch, hand in a bag of Cheetos. Liam is still working on homework, smiling pleasantly like his homework brought him joy. Silly boys.

It’s a bit awkward for a few minutes before Liam looks up from his homework, brow furrowed. “What’s going on with you two?”

“Nuttins wrong,” The Irish lad said through a mouthful of Cheetos. He stuck his orange fingers back in the bag, obviously not wanting to talk about the obvious tension between them. Well if there was anything Louis has learned from his time in high school, avoidance doesn’t really work.

“I’m not upset about Halloween anymore if that’s what you think.” Louis offered up, looking at Niall, hoping they could just get over whatever was going on.

“I know. I’m just kinda lost without football. And I’m stressing about finals.” Anyone who knew Niall knew that the boy never stressed over tests. He was one of those fortune souls who could never do any assignments for class but still pass because he takes tests really well. And he never really cared about football until this year. So Louis knew that he was just copping out unless he’d changed drastically since the time that they were hanging out constantly.

“Don’t worry, you’ll do great with finals. We could all have study sessions to make sure all of us are ready!” Liam added, patting Niall’s shoulder.

“Yeah, I know I’ll need help with my history class.” Louis said, looking at Niall. Niall knew that Louis knew he wasn’t being truthful, that much was obvious. But why the fuck was Niall acting so shady?

Zayn was the next to arrive and it literally felt like it because the Ziall show featuring Liam and Louis. Liam wasn’t oblivious, he kept shooting Louis these worried looks because the tension was obvious. But hey Louis decided now was the best time to break out the obnoxiously crazy side of his personality.

“We should do something crazy. Like a water balloon fight! Or do karaoke! Yes let’s do karaoke! I’ve missed Liam’s Justin Timberlake impressions!”

So that’s how they ended up all on their feet jumping around like they were insane. This, at least in Louis’ case, probably wasn’t too far off. They were in the middle of an intensely emotional cover of ‘Don’t Stop Believing’ when Harry showed up. They didn’t even have to stop the song and explain, Harry just jumped in with them. It felt like they were some crazy awesome band. Maybe they should become a band, all of them had amazing voices…nah that’d never work out.

“How’d it go with the bf?” Liam inquired when they’d decided to call it quits – Niall nearly threw his knee out again after he tried to jump off of the couch.

“Oh um,” Harry cleared his throat. “It was good.”

“Harry got la-aid!” Niall sang, poking at Harry’s red cheek.

“No, well, kind of it was just a – “

“I’m hungry!” Louis announced loudly, gladly interrupting whatever Harry was about to say.

The rest of the weekend went pretty great. Liam’s older sister stopped by once to check up on them and Niall couldn’t stop going on and on about how hot she was. Liam actually punched him in the shoulder, not hard because, Liam couldn’t hurt a fly. Zayn looked like he was going to cry though, so Louis distracted him with talking about the art show next semester that Zayn may try to enter.

To Louis, it was obvious that Niall wasn’t being one hundred percent himself but once all five of them were there, it wasn’t really noticeable to the others. He probably just wanted to talk about it in private or something, Louis figured. And he was okay with that, understood wanting privacy for a conversation.

Harry seemed upset about something too but Louis didn’t bother with it. He knew it was selfish but he wasn’t sure he could take another conversation of ‘my boyfriend’ this and ‘my boyfriend’ that. Not that he was tired of Harry talking about it, he was tired of being jealous about it. It was ridiculous.

Nevertheless, the weekend at Liam’s was still one of the best bonding moments that the group of five boys had ever had. And Louis wouldn’t have changed it for the world.

-

Louis felt clingy on Monday. He held Eleanor’s hand all morning and between all his classes. He even basically had her in his lap during lunch. He chalked it up to his nerves. Over the weekend, he’d gotten a group text from his drama teacher about doing broken up rehearsals. Monday she’d meet with all the main characters, Tuesday she’d meet with all of the others, Wednesday she’d meet with the main characters again and then on Thursday she would be meeting with the leads after a regular rehearsal. It was just intense and it had him worried that she’d tell him that he was going to fuck it up somehow.

Of course, when they’d gotten to rehearsal, she lectured them for half of the rehearsal on the importance of these characters. These characters intertwined together to make the show. If they didn’t have chemistry, it wouldn’t be fluid, it’d be staged. Once she was finished with lecturing them, they ran through all of their dance numbers with the tempo twice it’s normal speed. It was very intense. It sort of reminded him of being in practice with Coach.

“Does she always do that before a show?” Louis asked as he hopped in Eleanor’s car. He’d opted to ride home with her when he didn’t get of practice till after seven.

“Yeah, she gets stressed, we get stressed, it’s the best way to work through it.” It was silent until, “You’re going to be great you know.”

“Thanks. So will you.”

“I know.”

Louis admired her self-confidence. She came off as a bitch sometimes because of it but she was the type to know exactly what she was and love herself regardless. Louis wanted to be like her, he wanted to love himself regardless of the things about himself that he couldn’t change. He knew that was a long way down the line for him though.

Louis barely had the energy to walk up the stairs after rehearsals that week. She went harder and harder on them every day that they rehearsed. And she had lectured him and Eleanor after rehearsal on Thursday about how crucial they were as the leads but she also instilled them with a great deal of confidence, that she’d picked them because they were the two best auditions and they’ve consistently been the best ones in rehearsal. She ended her talk with saying that she knew that they’d be great if they kept level heads.

On Friday, Louis went to a small party at Eleanor’s house. He needed some type of escape from the nerves that were constantly gripping him. Granted, he was still a little worried that she would pressure him into drinking or having sex with her but he trusted her to not go there again.

Thirty minutes into the party, Louis wished he would’ve done something more fun like go to Harry’s house. But of course, Harry had plans with the boyfriend that still hadn’t asked him out yet. Or he could’ve tried to talk to Niall. With as busy as he’d been, he had forgotten about trying to fix their friendship. Okay, Louis promised himself as he watched someone fall flat on their face, as soon as this musical was over, that’d be the first thing that he would do.

Eleanor had gone off with some of her friends again so Louis was so bored he was nearly in tears. And his phone was about to die so he couldn’t even text Harry. Then again, he was probably off fucking someone he loved. And there was the legit urge to cry. Okay, Louis thought to himself, distraction.

Louis got up from the couch and travelled to the kitchen, hoping to get a glass of water. When he walked in the kitchen door, he got a lot more than he was originally bargaining for.

“OH MY GOD!” Louis yelled, throwing a hand over his eyes so he wouldn’t have to see Nick with his hand around some other guy’s dick. “S-sorry, I’ll just. Yeah.”

“Eleanor,” He nearly whispered when he’d finally found her. “Please take me home. I don’t feel good.”

She pouted but drove him home anyway. The whole ride home, Louis kept nervously pulling at his shirt, trying to hide his semi. Once Louis had made it to his room, his hand was in his pants so fast, he nearly ripped the zipper trying to get it down.

He was desperate to just relieve himself. As he wrapped a hand around himself, he imagined himself being in that position. He imagined himself with Harry, he didn’t even try to stop it, not that he could have now that it was in his brain.

At first he imagined himself as the one standing there, with Harry’s hand around his dick, pumping him mercilessly. It was sad that Louis was already close, but he had never experienced that before. He’d never seen what it would look like to something sexual with someone. And now that the image was there, he wasn’t sure it’d ever leave.

But then the image in Louis’ mind switched around. He imagined being the one on his knees on the floor in front of Harry with Harry’s hard penis in his hand. It was the single hottest thing that Louis had ever thought about and as he thought about how he was the one that made Harry like that, hard in his hand, Louis actually moaned out loud and came all over himself, coming so hard, Louis was afraid it was too much. He cleaned himself up and then flopped back in his bed.

And then the tears came. He felt so ashamed of what just happened. That was the most perverted thing he’d ever thought about. Mark would have probably disowned him if he knew what just happened. That thought caused Louis to cry even harder until he could barely take in a proper breath.

He spent the entire weekend hating himself. He barely came out of his room unless he had to do something with his sisters. Even they noticed the change in Louis. He just was so ashamed of himself he didn’t even know what to do about it. But around midafternoon on Sunday, Louis started to convince himself that it was just the nerves of the musical (opening day in four days!) mixed with never seeing sexual interaction like that before. That’s all it was.

-

The next few days pass in a blur because Louis wanted time to go slowly. It always happened like that, Louis realized. And before he knew it, he was leaving his second hour to go get dressed for the teaser in front of the entire school.

Everyone was buzzing with a mixture of nerves and excitement by the time they were all ready. Louis wasn’t sure why, but in this moment, he loved all these people just that much more. Going through this together was something that was special. They’d never all be together like this again, not after Saturday, closing night.

There’s no way to describe the way Louis got when he was on stage in character mode. It sounded silly but it reminded him of all of those ‘born again’ Christians. He literally felt like he was brought into a new life, a new life where he was Danny Zuko, a bad boy of Rydell High School who felt in love with the sweet Sandy. Before he was really even ready for it to be over, they’d finished their teaser and where all getting applause.

For the rest of the day at school, he finally felt in his place. People were coming up to him and practically praising him for his performance as Danny. It felt good, it was the same feeling his got when he scored during a footie game. It made all that hard work and stress worth it.

Louis spent the day after school at Zayn’s house. It was actually the first time that he’d been over to his house. He would’ve gone to Harry’s but Harry was with his still-not-official-boyfriend and Liam had family affairs, he’d still be at the show tonight though, and of course, he still hadn’t had time to sit down with Niall. So he was at Zayn’s.

It almost made Louis laugh how long they spend at ends with each other because they got on really well. And Zayn did a perfect job of distracting Louis from how nervous he was about the show. His mom was lovely too, she made curry and it instantly became Louis’ new favorite, aside from pizza of course.

By the time he made it to school, he’d puked three times from how nervous he was. He was so worried that he’d like have to wee while he was on stage or even worse, have to puke while he was on stage. Or what if he skipped ahead a line or two, which could ruin a show! Fuck shit bitches dick magnolias!

“Hey,” Eleanor said to him just before they went out on stage together. “You were impressive in your audition in front of other people, you set yourself apart because you’re great. You caught my eye and now you’ve caught my heart just like you’re about to capture the hearts of everyone in that audience out there.” She tried to go in for a kiss but he dodged it and went for a cheek kiss instead.

“Thanks.” And then he was stepping on the stage as Danny Zuko.

It was on that night, preforming for all those people, that Louis realized that this was what he wanted to do with his life. He wanted to be on the stage singing and dancing and acting for people. It was like, he was so nervous but once he stepped on the stage, all of that disappeared. Eleanor did great too, he was so proud of her and the entire cast. The drama teacher looked like she may cry when they all exited after the full fast applause.

After chatting with the cast for a few moments, they were released to go out among the audience and find their families and friends. It didn’t take long to find his family, his sisters kept screaming ‘that was my brother that was my brother!’ His mom nearly smothered him in praise and almost suffocated him with a bone crushing hug. But after that, he trailed around, trying to find his group of friends.

“Louis!” Liam yelled over the crowd, flagging him over.

Once he made it, he was put in the middle of another suffocating group hug. He loved it thought, his cheeks hurt from how hard he was smiling. When he was finally let go by his friends, he was showered with compliments again. Niall couldn’t stop going on about the note that Louis hit in Summer Nights, Liam praised his acting overall, Zayn expressed his jealously over Louis’ ‘ability’ to dance, and Harry…he wasn’t there.

“Where’s Haz?” Louis asked, wiping at his sweaty forehead.

“He couldn’t make it…” Zayn said gently.

“Oh.” Louis felt his smile falter before he could try to stop it. “Um, why?”

“Something came up with – “

“If you say his boyfriend I think I may scream.” The words slipped out like (in the words of one Lindsay Lohan) word vomit. He hadn’t meant to say it out loud but it was out there.

“Sorry, Lou,” Niall said, patting his shoulder. “He told us to tell you that he’d be here for closing night though.”

“Well I guess he’s off the hook then.” Louis said, trying not to show how truly hurt he was. He’d put it off until Saturday and if he didn’t show up on Saturday then Louis would go off.

-

His mom came to his Friday show too. She wouldn’t be able to come to his last show because of work but she had tried to switch shifts to come. It made Louis remember how much his mom really did love him. She was only strict because she’d been put through a lot and didn’t want Louis to go through the hurt that she did when everything with Mark happened.

Eventually, Saturday did come around. Harry had texted him like a thousand times promising that he’d be there that night with his boyfriend (apparently it was a date for them). Louis almost didn’t want to see him knowing that he was on a date with someone else.

The last show was very emotional for the cast and drama teacher. Louis had to turn away from the crowd of people several times as they all came off of the stage for the last time. Part of him was glad that it was over but he was also so sad. He cared for these people, they’d become almost like a family with as much time as they spent with each other and now it was all over.

He went out to the audience after the tearful closing talk that the drama teacher gave them, in search of Harry. According to him, the date between him and mystery guy was over once the show was over so Louis would be heading home with Harry and spending the rest of the weekend with him.

“Boo!” Harry called, laughing as Louis groaned at the nickname that he’d picked up from Jay. “You were so great, so amazing! I’m so proud, I can’t even express – “

Louis nearly tackled Harry in a hug, smashing their bodies together, arms wrapped tightly around each other. Louis couldn’t help it, he craved this with Harry. “Thanks,” He mumbled into Harry’s shoulder.

“So,” Louis said once he’d pulled back. “Where’s your date?”

“Oh he left.”

“Really? He couldn’t stay and wait with you until I got out – “

“It’s not like Nick is a bad guy, he’s just, not ready is all.”

“Nick?”

“Fuck, I shouldn’t have said that – “

“Nick who?” Louis smiled even though it hurt to talk about Harry being with this Nick mother fucker.

“Promise me you won’t say anything?” Harry whispered, pulling Louis closer so they could hear each other. For a second it reminded Louis of the closeness their shared during his wanking fantasies but then he shook it off. They were here to talk about Harry’s boyfriend.

“I promise!”

“He’s Nick Grimshaw.”

“WHAT?!” Louis officially just shat himself. No, he couldn’t be with Nick, he just saw Nick last week with – oh my god. “Harry, you – “

“Hey boys!” Anne walked to them smiling. “Louis, love you were fantastic! Are you lot ready to head home?”

All through the night, Louis mulled it over. Should he tell Harry? Should he just let it be? But how shitty would he feel if he let Harry dig himself even deeper just to be even more broken? Shit, shit, shit. Harry legit loved him. And after thinking over the situation, it was obvious that Nick was using him. Nick wasn’t closeted. He’d practically threw himself in Louis’ pants the first time they met. Fuck, how was he supposed to explain this Harry? He’d be crushed! But he had to. It was his duty as Harry’s friend.

“Haz,” Louis practically croaks on Sunday afternoon during lunch. Gemma and Anne were out so it was the perfect time to bring it up. “I have something to tell you.”

“What’s up?” He was just sitting there, chewing happily on the left over pizza, not realizing that Louis was about to break his heart. Well, technically it was Nick’s fault but still.

“I saw Nick last week.” Louis said slowly, watching as Harry nodded confusedly. “Doing sexual stuff…with someone else.”

“No,” Harry said as if Louis had just asked him if he liked sprouts. Louis could see it sink in as the seconds ticked by. “No, are you fucking kidding me, Louis?”

“No, I saw – “

“You are pathetic, you know that?” Harry had an absolute fire in his eyes. Louis thought that one time was bad, this already had tears springing in Louis’ eyes. “You’re so fucking wrapped up in this web of lies that you have to resort to trying to break me and Nick up? Well fucking newsflash, Louis, we love each other. He would never do that to me, I would fucking know. And for you to even suggest it, it’s sick Louis. Just because of some sick jealousy? At first I thought, just give him some time. But then I realized that you’re always going to be a liar, Louis. You lie to yourself every day and you’re lying to me right now because you can’t stand what you are. Well, I won’t take it anymore. Get the fuck out of my house and get the fuck out of my life. Fucking GO!”

Numbness spread through Louis as he grabbed his stuff from Harry’s room, openly crying because Harry had used what he knew would hurt him. He’d tried to hurt him. Louis needed a tissue badly but he didn’t care how gross he looked. This was the worst pain he’d ever felt. Well besides the day Mark left. But this came pretty damn close.

“Harry, please – “ Louis tried one last time as he was at the door.

“Just leave, Louis.” Harry sounded every bit as torn up as Louis was, still furious at Louis.

When Louis stepped outside, the door slammed behind him.

He got home after a long walk, he went to where his mom was humming happily (since when did she hum while cooking dinner?) and collapsed in her arms, sobbing loudly. She’d asked what was wrong but Louis couldn’t even talk.

“Shah sweetheart, I love you,” They were both sat on the kitchen floor, Jay with her arms wrapped around her son, rocking him slightly, tears in her own eyes, hurting for her son. “It’ll be okay, you’ll be okay, no matter what it is.”

-

When Louis had thought he wasn’t okay before, he lied. He was frolicking through a field of daisies and fucking lollipops compared to what he felt now. It was fucking cold outside, his birthday was coming up, finals were stressing him the fuck out and Harry completely ignored him. He even unfriended him on Facebook. He was miserable.

Liam, Zayn, and even Niall banded together to help cheer Louis up and it worked to an extent but Harry hated him now. He would never recover from this. Harry meant so much to him, he couldn’t even.

It was like Louis had become a zombie. He autopilated through the rest of the semester, probably flunking all of his finals but he didn’t care. The only thing that mattered was that the semester was over and he could finally fucking relax.

As Louis was cleaning out his backpack, he pulled out a piece of paper, looking at it confusedly until he remembered a long ass time ago, someone randomly gave him this, had found it on the floor.

He opened it carefully.

Louis,

I wonder if I’ll ever get the courage to give this to you. Probably not. I just can’t keep it in any longer. I love you. I am so in love with you, it’s borderline pathetic. I love the way you keep your hand on your stomach when you sing or how brightly you smile after you’ve made someone laugh. I know I sound like a stalker but I’m not. I just want you to be in love with me as much as I am in love with you. You probably never will. But hey, I’ll wait for you, I promise I will. Take as long as you need. Turn around and I’ll be right there, forever. Fuck, I keep trying to sound romantic but all I do is make myself sound even more creepy, no wonder you haven’t fallen for me even though I tried everything I could. You’re even more clueless than me, Louis. But don’t worry, it’s cute! You make my day every time we talk, you make me laugh even when you’re not trying, you make me smile. I want you to be mine even though you have made it clear that you don’t want me. I won’t lose hope though. If there’s one thing that I’ve learned about love, it’s that sometimes it takes a long time to bloom. Sometimes you have to let them make their own mistakes, let them go and if they come back to you, you know it’s the real deal. Well this is me letting you go, Louis. This is me waiting to see if you will come back to me. I love you so much. Xx

Holy shit. That was all that Louis could think. He thought about it, read the letter several times. Throughout the semester, Louis had become decently popular so in reality this letter could be from anyone. But in that moment, Louis realized that he really wanted it to be from Harry.


	2. Second Semester

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Phew! Another chapter down! This one wasn't quite as long as the first chapter so let me know what you all think of it! And also anything that you're predicting is going to happen/wish to happen.
> 
> Also be aware of a few things: Louis deals with a lot internalized homophobia and there is some more bullying in this part. And, I don't have much knowledge on panic attacks so I may have said something stupid. Feel free to let me know of my mistakes!
> 
> Huuuuge thanks to my beta, [Dani](http://www.wattpad.com/user/1Dani5SOS) she has been amazing to me! I would also like to thank my soulfriend, [Katherine](http://stylinsmutreblog.tumblr.com/) for keeping me afloat and inspiring every day! Love you Hazzy :D
> 
> Sophomore year is coming soon! Have a lovely day! And don't forget to visit [my Tumblr](http://larryismyotpuniverse.tumblr.com/) See you all soon!

 

His birthday and Christmas pass uneventfully. He gets birthday texts from everyone except Harry which hurts. Louis doesn’t understand why Harry did what he did. Why would Louis purposefully mess up what he “had with Nick?” And it’s not like the idea is crazy, anyone who knew Nick knew that he wasn’t the settling down type. Nick must talk some true shit to Harry to actually make him believe that they were exclusive and that Nick was being faithful.

The worst part was that it wasn’t like he thought that Nick may have been cheating on Harry, he was one hundred percent positive that he was cheating on him. That meant Harry would find out eventually and he would be crushed because he legitimately thought that he was in love with Nick.

He didn’t even know what to do. Harry was obviously done with him. But Louis didn’t want to be done. He really, really didn’t. Harry was his best friend. And Louis knew that if say, Eleanor was cheating on him and Harry knew about it, he’d want Harry to tell him.

And speaking of Eleanor, things between them were still awkward as hell. She just really liked to hold hands and kiss and stuff and Louis just felt not right. He really didn’t understand what wasn’t there with their relationship. Like was he doing something wrong? Was she doing something wrong? It felt like they were doing all the things that boyfriends and girlfriends do, aside from sex. But love came before sex right? It had to. But he and Eleanor had been dating for two months and nothing had changed. It sort of felt like they were glorified friends. He didn’t love her, that’s for sure. At least he wasn’t like, in love with her. He loved her as his friend. But two months was probably too soon to fall in love anyway. Just  look at what happened to Harry.

New Years was uneventful. Eleanor had a party at her house but Louis honestly wasn’t up for it. He spent the night at home with his sisters; his mom had to work the night shift once again. He didn’t feel much like celebrating. He’d lost not one but two best friends and he didn’t see that changing in the upcoming New Year. He did make a resolution to not be such a shit person because he was the common denominator in all of this, there was obviously something wrong with him.

The new semester snuck up on Louis so quickly. He really wasn’t ready for school. Louis was honestly kind of depressed.

-

He and Harry still had English together first hour. They didn’t talk and Harry didn’t even look at him. Louis was so hurt, he ran out of the classroom as soon as he was allowed. Again, he had no classes with the other four which kind of sucked.

It seemed that he and Zayn really had patched things up which he was glad for but things between he and Niall were still shaky. Everything with Liam was perfect though, which Louis was eternally grateful for. It seemed that Liam was the only one who didn’t have beef or drama with someone else out of the five of them.

When lunch time rolled around, Louis was excited to find that the five of them still all had the same lunch together. He’d turned down Eleanor’s invitation to the theater table, hurriedly heading to the table that they were normally at.

“Hey guys!” He sat his tray down, hoping to make some sort of fresh start.

Harry picked up his tray and moved to the table next to theirs.

“Okay,” He said shakily, trying to take it in stride. “Um how has everyone’s first day been?”

“It’s school,” Zayn shrugged, earning a scold from Liam.

“My day has been pretty great so far!” Liam answered chirpily. “I finally got into the weights class, so I can show you how to lift better. I’m pretty stoked.”

Louis looked expectantly over to Niall, who was just staring down at his tray.

“How about you, Niall?” Louis addressed him directly, knowing he couldn’t really get out of it. Niall didn’t even respond. “Really? You too?” Again, silence. “Alright, well I hope you all have a nice lunch. Hey Harry, you can come back to the table now, it’s okay, I’m leaving.”

He got up and dumped his tray without even taking a single bite. And dammit he was actually hungry that day. The rest of the day went pretty uneventfully. Eleanor seemed to sense that he was upset so she let him be.

“Hey Zayn,” Louis said, plopping down next to him on the bus. “Can I ask you something?”

“Shoot.”

“Why is Niall mad at me? I don’t know what I did wrong. If you could tell me so that I could fix it, that’d be awesome.”

“Look,” Zayn sighed. “It’s not really my business to say. That’s between you and Niall.”

“Well Niall won’t even talk to me.” He whined.

“I don’t know what to tell you, Louis.” Zayn shrugged.

“Would you at least tell him that I miss him? And that I want us to be friends again? And that I’m sorry for whatever I did.”

“I will.”

-

“You should audition for the play.” Eleanor said as the two of them were cuddling on her bed the first weekend of school. “I heard through the grape vine that we’re doing Strange Borders. You’d do well in that.”

“I don’t know,” Louis sighed, cuddling further into her. Yes, he was the little spoon in their cuddle life. “I’m not really feeling up for it to be honest.”

“What’s been up with you lately?” She rubbed a hand down his arm comfortingly. “You haven’t been up for anything.”

“I don’t know, it’s just. Things are in the dumps with me and Harry – “

“Really? All this is about Harry. I should have known.”

“What does that mean?” Louis sat up, offended.

“You’re like obsessed with him. I swear you care more about him than you care about me and I’m supposed to be your girlfriend.” She followed Louis’ actions, sitting up so they were face to face.

“You’re…you’re jealous of Harry?” Louis asked incredulously. “And I’m not obsessed with him by the way.”

“I’m not jealous and yes you are. I swear if Harry called you right now saying that he needed you even if I needed you, you’d be gone.”

“That’s not true,” Louis protested.

“It is.” She said with a finality that ended that conversation.

“It’s not just Harry though. My best friend, well old best friend I guess. I’ve sort of been replaced. Anyway, he won’t talk to me anymore.”

“People change. They grow apart. It happens.”

“You know what? I’d appreciate it if you at least acted like you care about my problems.”

“I’m sorry, you’re right.” She sighed, pulling him back into her arms. “I’m sure things will work out with the both of them.”

It wasn’t completely genuine but he would take what he could get.

-

Louis gets sick on January twentieth. He absolutely despises throwing up and it seemed that was all he could do. And having a nurse for a mom made getting sick even worse. She became even more overbearing and protective.

He spent three days getting sick after any time he even consumed water. So needless to say, he dropped a few pounds. The little stomach that he had at the beginning of the year was completely gone. Which, Louis was very, very happy about. Although, he wasn’t happy about how it went away.

Both Liam and Eleanor texted him every single day, wishing him well. Eleanor even dropped by with a bit of soup. What a lovely way to meet the family. The girls all started screaming in joy which did not help the pounding in Louis’ head. Jay seemed happy but also wary of her and Louis wasn’t sure why. Except for the fact that she suspected that they might be having sex or something. Which they obviously were not.

“Where are you going? You told me you didn’t have a night shift tonight?” Louis asked his mom, a few nights after he’d finally gotten well.

“I don’t,” She was jabbing at her face with some girl thing that they apparently used to make themselves look prettier. Louis thought it looked ridiculous but hey, to each their own.

“Well then what are you doing?”

“I’m going out.”

“What?”

“Louis,” She turned to him, looking actually happy for the first time in a long time. “I need a night away, a night on the town.”

“Oh,” He sounded confused, and he was just a little but at the same time, he totally understood where she was coming from. He’d just got back to school and he was already counting down the days until it was over.

“I’ll be home by midnight. Take care of the girls, love you.”

And then she was gone. Louis wasn’t sure what he should make of the situation, or if he should make anything of it. He decided that he wasn’t going to even think about it. He couldn’t handle drama with his mom too.

-

“C’mon, Lou, one more and uuup, good.” Liam high fived Louis as he finished out his third set of twenty five sit ups. “You know, I’ve never seen you work so hard before.”

“Well,” Louis collapsed back onto the mat that they’d set up in Liam’s basement. “It’s a good way to relieve stress so.”

“Does this by chance have anything to do with Harry and Niall?” Liam asked before jumping up to his chin up bar. He started pulling himself up easily, listening as Louis spoke.

“No!” He denied and then realized there was no point in it. “Yes. It’s just, with Harry, I understand. I mean I really don’t but I do. With Niall it was like, he just stopped talking to me and I don’t know why.”

“If it makes you feel better,” Liam said between pull ups. “Neither of them will tell me what happened either. Harry just kind of shakes his head and then Niall always changes the subject.” Another pause while he does another chin up. “He always seems kind of sad though. Did you by chance say something bad about Ireland?”

“What? No, I love Ireland. And we both know that Niall would have straight up kicked my arse if I’d said anything about Ireland. He wouldn’t ignore me for weeks at a time.” He toweled at his face and sipped from his water, thinking it over. “You haven’t pursued a relationship since I’ve known you.”

“Nope.” He pulled himself up at a faster pace, sweat beginning to drip from his face.

“Why?”

“Because,” He dropped from the bar, gulping at his water. “Look at you and Harry – “

“What? I don’t understand – “

“A relationship is what has you two out of sorts with each other – “

“I thought you said you didn’t know about Nick cheating on him.”

“What?!” Liam literally did a double take. “Please don’t tell me you’re talking about the Nick that I think that you’re talking about.”

“Unfortunately, I am indeed talking about Nick Grimshaw.” Louis spat the name with disgust.

“You know, he tried to get me to fuck him once he found out that I was friends with you.”

“First off Liam, language.” Louis teased, glad that there was something to lighten the mood. “Secondly, what the fuck? He tried to get me to fuck him too! I was like um no thanks, I’m straight and he just kind of laughed.”

“Fuck you Tommo,” Liam teased right back but then he got serious. “Seriously though, like ew. And oh my god! I just saw him fooling around with some other guy at that party last weekend!”

“Cursing and parties? Liam I may have to tell your mother about this!” Louis exclaimed, actually genuinely shocked. “High school has changed you.”

“Not really. I mean I always swore inside my head but everyone I hang out with actually does swear so it just happened. And I only went to that party last weekend because Niall begged me to. Apparently Zayn had some stuff he had to – yeah. Sorry.”

“It’s fine.” And it was. He was just tired of hearing how much fun the two of them were having without him. He was tired of hearing about how much Niall didn’t miss him. “You know, you still haven’t really answered my question about why you don’t do relationships. That must get lonely.”

“First,” Liam plopped down next to Louis on the mat. “Let’s be honest here. Most high school relationships don’t make it past high school; I refuse to set myself up for heartache. Second, we’re in high school, I mean c’mon. This is supposed to be the time of our lives; I don’t want to be weighed down. And third, you’ve been in a relationship with what’s-her-name for months now and you’re still lonely as fuck.”

-

Louis stewed on Liam’s words, mulled them over, let them soak in. He really couldn’t see him and Eleanor going anywhere serious, honestly. Would they stay together out of high school? Probably not. In all honesty, she was graduating next year and planned on going to NYADA (New York Academy of Dramatic Arts) which was obviously in a different country. And when she’d told him of her plans, she never mentioned a word about him. At the time, Louis didn’t think anything of it. But Liam had gotten him thinking. Should they be talking about futures together? Especially since hers was coming sooner rather than later. Louis wanted to do dramatic arts too. But not in New York. He could never leave the U.K. like that. Was this whole thing a deal breaker? Was he setting himself up for heartache as Liam had said? He wasn’t sure of all of that. But there was one thing that Liam had hit on the money, Louis was so lonely.

“Hey sexy thing,”

Louis ignored the comment and tried to weave his way through the party that Eleanor was throwing for Valentine’s Day. Which speaking of, had been very awkward for the two of them. She’d gotten him some of his favorite cologne and he obviously got her flowers and chocolate. After that, she wanted to snog so Louis said what the hell. Mid snog though, she climbed on his lap and rolled her hips. Not continuously, more like an offer. Which Louis refused. He didn’t even want to look at her until the party.

And now he’s frantically searching for her just so he wouldn’t have to be alone with one Nick Grimshaw. See the thing with Nick Grimshaw is that he doesn’t really like the word no. He’d probably only heard it twice, once with him and once with Liam. He was persistent. And not in the same way that Eleanor had been before they’d gotten together, in the creepy type of way. Louis literally had no idea what Harry saw in this guy. He wasn’t even cute.

“C’mon, Lou,” Nick grabbed at his arm drunkenly. “You don’t have to hide it from me. I know.”

“I don’t know what the hell you’re talking about,” Louis growled, trying to pull his arm free. The drunk are strong people.

“You’re gay,” Nick slurred loudly. “It’s alright, just let me take you upstairs and show you what you’ve been missing. I’ll let you bottom.”

“No!” Louis shrieked, beginning to panic just a little.

“C’mon baby,” Nick got up close, whispering grossly in Louis’ ear. “Your friend’s tiring me out. I haven’t topped in a long time. Granted, he doesn’t have the arse for it like you do. Think I’m about finished with him anyway.”

“What the fuck?!” Louis shouted, shoving Nick against the wall. “Don’t ever, ever talk about my best friend like that.”

“I can talk however I want, bitch.” Nick sassed right back. He took a step towards Louis, the crowd around them falling silent. “You aren’t going to do shit about it.”

Nick was trying to get a rise out of him. Louis should have known better. He should have walked away. Instead he slapped Nick as hard as he could, right across the face. Nick looked so surprised and offended that Louis actually laughed a little.

“Let’s get something clear here,” Now Louis was the one stepping up in Nick’s face. “You are a piece of shit. Do you want to know why? Here’s why. You’re what, seventeen? You’ve already fucked most of the school, all the ones that would let you. And now you’re preying on all the freshman because they haven’t seen you for what you are. A self-hating whore. Maybe if you spent a little less time offering your dick to any warm hole that would take it, you’d take a step back and realize that no matter how many people you’ve fucked, you’re still alone. No one that’s had sex with you loves you. Correction, one person does. And guess what? You’re here, trying once again to fuck instead of showing him off like the prize that he is. Now go home. And how about you give not being a fuck up a try and be honest with the guy that you’re cheating on? And try to be a little gentle on him. I know that you have no heart but Harry does, he’s got the biggest heart that I’ve ever seen and he deserves a lot better than you.”

He slammed Nick against the wall one last time for good measure and then he was stalking off. He ignored all of the people who tried to get his attention and tell him that he was awesome or whatever, he was too emotional to deal with any of that. Instead, he locked himself in the bathroom that was attached to Eleanor’s room.

He dialed Harry’s number because he knew it by heart. As he’d expected, it went straight to voicemail.

“Harry,” He’d said once the beep had sounded. “I’m not lying about Nick. I bet he isn’t there with you right now. And you know why? Because he’s at Eleanor’s party. Look I’m sorry that you have to hear all of this. I wish you didn’t. You deserve someone better. Someone who will, cook breakfast with you or laugh at your silly jokes or reach out and hold you just because it looked like you needed it. You deserve someone who loves you and means it. There’s – “ He was cut off by the machine.

“Hey,” There was a soft knock on the door. It was Eleanor. “Can I come in?”

Louis didn’t respond, he just pulled the door open, shoving his phone back into his pocket.

“Emma told me what happened out there. Do you want to talk about it?”

“Nah, you’ll just get upset with me.”

“I know it’s about Harry. I get it okay? Nick, well he has fun. And he doesn’t really…I don’t know. Just, what you said to him, from what I’ve heard at least, really upset him. He left early – “

“I’m not sorry if that’s what you’re trying to imply here.”

“No, no, no,” Eleanor back tracked. “I was just telling you what happened. Nick’s an asshole. Everyone knows. I know, I had sex with him. Which, for the record, isn’t that great. I don’t know where he gets all this hype from.”

“He gets all the hype because he’s easy.”

“Louis, having a lot of sex isn’t a bad thing.” Eleanor eyed him warily, putting an arm around him.

“It is when you do it in the way that it isn’t intended for. It’s intended for a loving – “

“If you say marriage I think I may puke on you.”

“Relationship,” Louis said louder.

“There doesn’t always have to love, it could be fun.”

“I guess if you’re both on the same page but there’s no way you can convince me that it’s okay to knowingly let someone fall for you, manipulate them into falling for you even, just so you can keep having sex with that person.”

“You’re right, babe. Listen I’m sorry. I’m sorry that he’s such a shit. And I’m sorry for being jealous of Harry. If you say he’s just your friend then I trust you. Can I ask you something though?”

“Sure.” Louis felt his phone vibrating in his pocket but he ignored it. Even if it was Harry, he wanted to be alone when they talked.

“When you and I … snogged earlier and I – yeah. You were um. Well, did you enjoy it? Because like, you weren’t well. Usually when I snog guys it’s pretty obvious that they’re liking it. Do you get what I mean?”

“No,” Louis had a vague idea of what she was talking about but god, he’s just not ready to have that conversation.

“You weren’t hard.” She just came right out with it, looking at him so honestly. It wasn’t like she was judging him which.

“I uh, I – “ Louis was so embarrassed, he didn’t even know what to say. He wasn’t comfortable talking about these things. His face turned so red, he could feel the heat. In his pocket, his phone vibrated again, giving him just the distraction that he needed. “I’m going to get this.”

He rushed out of there as quickly as possible, rushing to answer his phone. He didn’t even check to see who was calling him.

“Hello?”

“Hey Lou.” He could instantly tell by the thick Irish accent that it was Niall. “You’re at Eleanor’s party right now, right?”

“Yeah?” Louis was confused. Why was Niall calling him after all this time?

“Is it okay if I um, come over there? I kind of want to talk to you.” Niall sounded nervous.

“Sure.” He wanted to be pissed at Niall for not talking to him for no reason but more than that, he just wanted his friend back.

When Louis hung up, Eleanor came up behind him, hugging him from behind. “What’s up, babe?”

“Nothing.” Louis felt really awkward in her arms. He sort of wanted to shake her off but that would be rude. Maybe he just needed to get used to the contact with her. But it’d been two months, why was he still not feeling all the things he thought he’d feel when he got into a relationship? And why, even when Eleanor’s arms were tight around him, did he still feel alone?

He stayed away from the party raging on downstairs, even when Eleanor begged him to go back downstairs with her. Honestly, he didn’t really want to be there. The only reason he was staying was because he knew that Niall was on his way to come and hopefully settle things between them.

Niall burst into the room almost an hour after they hung up. “Sorry mate, I kept getting lost on the way here. Holy shit, she has a lot of trophies.”

“Yeah,” Louis said lamely. He had no idea what to say in this situation. So he settled for just sitting there on Eleanor’s bed, awkwardly pulling at a loose thread of his t-shirt.

“I saw the cast list for the play.” Niall said into the silence. “Your name wasn’t on it.”

“Oh. Yeah, I decided not to try out for the play this semester.” Louis shrugged, still not looking directly at Niall. He almost wanted to cry. They were best friends since forever and he’d never felt like this around Niall, he always felt comfortable with the Irish lad.

“Well they lost out then. You were perfect in Grease.” Niall came to sit down on Eleanor’s bed, sighing softly. “I’m sorry for ignoring you.”

Louis had the urge to say ‘that’s okay’ because that’s generally what you say when someone says they’re sorry. But it wasn’t okay. Because Louis had no idea why the fuck Niall just cut him out of his life like it was nothing. So he opted for silence.

“Are you pissed off at me?” Niall asked in a small voice.

“A little.” Louis admitted. “But more just … hurt.”

“I’m so sorry, Lou.” Niall shook his head.

“Just tell me why.” Louis’ voice shook nervously. He wasn’t really good with confronting feelings and being open. “What did I do wrong?”

It was silent for a long moment, Niall playing with his hands awkwardly as the music boomed on downstairs. “Do you remember when you beat up that prick, Chris?”

“Yeah,” Louis said in confusion. What the hell did that have to do with anything?

“You said to him, ‘don’t ever talk about my best friend like that’ or something along those lines.”

“I’m confused.” He admitted.

“You defended Harry as your best friend.” Niall was talking in the softest voice Louis had probably ever heard. “So I decided that I needed a new best friend too.”

And then it clicked. “You were jealous of Harry.”

“Of course I was fucking jealous of Harry. We have been friends forever and then all of the sudden Harry comes out of nowhere and he’s all you can talk about. You invited him to watch your audition and you asked him advice and you stayed the night at his house and you just. You stopped doing stuff with me. So I started hanging out with Zayn so that I didn’t notice how you replaced me.”

“Niall,” Louis was about to cry. “I didn’t mean – “

“You don’t have to apologize, Lou. At first I didn’t understand but I do now. It’s different with Harry. Harry’s not your best friend in the same sense that I’m your best friend.”

“I don’t understand.”

“I kissed Zayn tonight.” Niall confessed, seemingly out of nowhere. “And that’s when it clicked for me. Zayn is my best friend but not in the same way that you are.”

“Niall,” Louis started crying and he didn’t even know why. “I am so confused!”

“Lou, don’t cry.” He pulled Louis into a tight hug, despite it all. “It’s okay that you’re confused. I barely understand all this shit myself. Just, I’m sorry for how I treated you.”

“So,” Louis took a calming breath. “You quit talking to me after me and Harry have a falling out?”

“No, I quit talking to you because I was. Well, I realized that I like Zayn and I know that doesn’t make sense but I just. Something about you reminded me that I was supposed to be straight and I apparently am not. That was super dumb of me too but I’ve decided not to give a fuck.”

“S-so you’re not straight?” Louis felt like crying again at that thought. He was just so damn confused, it was overwhelming. “Are you gay?”

“I looked it up for days and tried to do research but I came to the conclusion that I am Zaynsexual.”

“What does that mean?” Louis hated that he didn’t understand a lot of things. It made him feel stupid.

“It means that I am attracted to Zayn. I don’t know. I don’t really see myself with a guy but I see myself with Zayn.”

“Oh.” Louis wiped at his eyes, face turning red. He had no idea why he had started crying, it was embarrassing.

“Listen, I have to go. Me mum is wanting me home. But um, friends again?”

“Yeah.” They hugged it out and Louis watched as Niall left.

-

Eleanor was downstairs dancing to some Shakira song when Louis finally came down. Something in the conversation with Niall inspired Louis. He marched right over to her and kissed her fiercely. He would enjoy this. He would.

She seemed surprised but she didn’t pull back. He could feel her smiling when people started cat calling around them. Louis wasn’t paying much attention. He was determined to like this. He had to. It got heated fairly quickly and before he knew it, she was leading him up the stairs and to her room. He was so nervous, he nearly tripped over a stair and fell. But fuck. He refused to not like this. Maybe he just needed to have sex with her and then they’d feel like a couple and Louis wouldn’t feel lonely anymore.

“I thought,” Eleanor pulled away breathlessly. “You wanted to take this slow.”

Louis hummed an answer noncommittally. He is totally not ready. But maybe if he just forced himself to go through with this, he would have to think about Harry when he had erections and maybe he would stop feeling so confused.

She pushed him back on her bed, kissing at his neck. Louis was glad that she was taking control because he really wasn’t comfortable. His stomach twisted up in knots when she pulled at his shirt, pulling it over his head and tossing it aside. Fuck, he didn’t want to do this, he didn’t want to do this. She kept kissing him but Louis began to pull back. Not physically but more emotionally. He was still kissing her back but he had the urge to push her off of his lap.

Eleanor pulled back from their kiss and looked Louis dead in the eye as she pulled her own shirt off. Instictively, Louis shut his eyes. He didn’t want to be here. He didn’t want this. God, no. He didn’t want this.

“Louis,” She said softly, rolling her hips. And he was done.

“No, I can’t. I’m sorry. I can’t I – “ Louis shoved her aside and ran into her bathroom, locking the door behind him so that she wouldn’t see him cry. Louis had a lot of self hating going on at the moment.

He hated himself because why the fuck could he not just have sex with his girlfriend? And why was he acting like a girl and running to the bathroom and crying? Fuck was there anything that he was good at?

“Louis,” Eleanor was knocking on the door, sounding sorry for him. “C’mon babe, just come out, it’s alright.”

When he finally emerged from the bathroom in shame, Eleanor was snoring softly. Fuck. He couldn’t ask his mom to come pick him up. One, this party had tons of drunk people and she would never trust him to come to her house again. Two, it was obvious that he’d been crying and he really didn’t want to answer any of her questions.

So he started walking home. He didn’t even know what time it was. He was supposed to be home by midnight but he was pretty sure that it was way past midnight. Five minutes into his walk, Louis started shivering, realizing that he left his jacket and it was fucking February. So he pulled out his phone. He had no one in his contacts that could drive except for his mum and she would fucking kill him.

Another two minutes passed and Louis concluded that he was going to die if he didn’t get warm soon. And just like that, an idea came to him. Harry’s house wasn’t too far from where he was at. Under normal circumstances, Louis wouldn’t walk to Harry’s house but he was too cold to care.

He was at Harry’s door before he could convince himself that it was a bad idea. He knocked, the cold numbing.

“What the fuck?!” Harry answered the door, looking disheveled and clearly half asleep. “What are doing – are you crying?”

“Um,” Louis felt tears spring to his eyes. “I ju-just um.”

“Get inside, fuck’s sake. Why are you out there with no coat? You could get sick again.” Harry opened the door wider, letting Louis inside.

After Harry got Louis a jumper or two and some sweat pants and bundled him up in several blankets, he wrapped his arms around him.

“What the fuck was that Lou?” Louis hated how different Harry sounded. Like, he’d changed in the little amount of time that they had spent apart.

“I um. Something happened with Eleanor and um. I forgot to um grab a jacket when I left and I got really cold.”

Harry tensed behind him. “Oh. Eleanor. Yeah. So um. Hey. I’m still mad at you but. I got your voicemail and you were right. He ditched me tonight. I don’t know where he’s at. I’m going to ask him about it.”

-

“Louis, I’m going out again tonight! I need you to watch your sisters.”

And honestly, what else was new?

“Where have you been going?” It was just the two of them on Monday morning before the girls had woken up.

“Just out, Louis. I don’t have to tell you where I’ve been.” He should have known that she would get defensive. She was always defensive.

“Mark’s birthday is coming up.” Louis said in a small voice.

“Well I hope he doesn’t live to see it.”

“Mum!” Louis gasped.

“Honey, let’s not talk about that bastard okay?”

“But I – “

“Louis no. Go get your sisters up.”

“Okay.”

That day at school, something weird happened. He went to sit with his friends at lunch, partially because he was still avoiding Eleanor but he’d patched things up with Niall and Harry (maybe? He honestly had no fucking clue).

“Hey guys,” Louis set his tray down next to Niall.

“Lou!” Liam’s eyes lit up like the fourth of july. “I learned this new thing in weights class, you’ve got to come try it with me!”

“Don’t fucking do it mate,” Zayn groaned, flexing his shoulder. “Li is too hardcore.”

“Hey,” Liam pouted, “I just want to push you to your limit.”

“Is that Harry – and Nick?” Niall asked, looking through the glass of the doors of the cafeteria. They were fighting. It looked like Harry was about to cry.

“Fuck,” Louis whispered. He knew what they were talking about.

“Should we go do something?” Zayn asked, oddly sounding protective.

“No, let them get it all out there.” Louis whispered, wishing more than anything that he could go over there and punch the shit out of that Grimshaw.

“So,” Liam asked, drawing their attention away from Nick and Harry. “We heard you and Eleanor…had sex.”

Louis shrugged. “Yep.”

“No way!” Zayn looked happy for him, even fist bumping him. “How was it?”

“It was…good.” Louis felt awkward and guilty. He shouldn’t have lied about having sex with Eleanor. But he wanted to seem like everyone else. Sex was normal. Sex with a girl was normal. He just wanted to feel normal.

“I heard she kicked you out after though.” Liam offered.

“No, she just. I exhausted her. So I thought I’d let her sleep so I walked home.”

Louis threw a sideways glance at Niall. He’d been quiet throughout the whole conversation with Eleanor. Louis had a feeling that Niall saw through him. He was the only one who had a slight idea of what happened with Mark and how Louis felt uncomfortable with sex. So it’d make sense if he knew that he and Eleanor didn’t actually have sex. As long as Niall didn’t say anything though, Louis didn’t care.

After school, Eleanor caught up with Louis.

“Babe, why have you been avoiding me?” She asked, looking genuinely concerned. “Is it because of what happened? Because I’m not mad or anything. I’m glad you say no if you don’t want it. I’m just sad you let me keep going if you didn’t want it.”

“I don’t really want to talk about to be honest.” Louis shuffled awkwardly.

“Okay.” She fit her hand into Louis’, squeezing tight. “I’ve got rehearsal for the play, so I’ve got to go. Bye babe!”

Louis sat out on the bench, waiting for his mom to come pick him up when he felt someone else sit on the bench. He glanced over and saw Harry, looking straight ahead. He didn’t look over at Louis but Louis was watching as Harry literally crumpled. He shrugged into his hands and started sobbing. Louis threw his arms around Harry, holding on tight.

“Louis,” Harry sobbed, sounding so pained that it hurt.

“It’s okay,” Louis comforted. “You’ll be okay.”

“You were right.” He whispered, leaning heavily onto Louis. “He…you were right.”

“I’m so sorry. You don’t deserve him.”

“I do though. I was stupid enough to believe everything. I was so, so stupid.”

“No,” Louis said fiercely. “Look at me.”

Harry slowly lifted his head to look at Louis. It took Louis’ breath away the way that the green of his eyes popped out around the bloodshot whites of his eye. Louis looked at him and felt this sense of yearning that he wasn’t sure he’d ever felt before.

“You are an amazing person. You are a fucking catch and if Nick can’t see that then he can go take his STI’s to someone else. He’s a shit person for what he did to you. I really want to fucking cut his balls off or something because you’re special and you’re everything. And he had that and didn’t treat you right.”

“Your mom’s here.” He said.

“Do you want to come over? I mean, I have to watch my sisters but at least you won’t be alone.”

“Sure. I kind of told my mom I was going home with one of you anyway. I don’t want her to um, see me like this.”

They jumped in the van, Louis keeping a comforting hand on Harry at all times.

“Mrs. Tomlinson, you look very nice.” Harry commented.

“Thank you, Harry!” Jay smiled pleasantly and Harry wasn’t really wrong. She was dressed like she had someone to impress. Louis didn’t want to think about that.

At home, the girls were all sitting at the dining room table.

“Harry!! I missed you!” Daisy yelled, going to tackle Harry and then all the other girls followed.

Harry instantly lit up, seeming to have forgotten why he was so upset in the first place. Something twisted in Louis’ heart that he didn’t understand as he watched Harry interact with his little sisters.

“Alright,” Louis said eventually, unable to wipe the smile off of his face. “Let the man breathe.”

Once they were all settled, Louis ordered pizza for dinner and made sure that the girls started on homework. The night went pretty smoothly, Louis having grown used to taking care of his little siblings.

“Can you put me to bed, Harry?” Pheobe asked, holding her hands up for Harry to pick her up.

“ME TOO!” Daisy yelled.

“Girls, no – “

“I would love to!” Harry picked Pheobe up and taking Daisy’s hand.

Fiz and Lottie were already up in their room so Louis just stared after Harry, smiling. He followed after a few minutes had passed and Harry still hadn’t come back down. The sight that he found absolutely melted his heart. Harry was sat on Pheobe’s bed, softly whispering a story. Both girls were clearly asleep and Louis watched as Harry softly kissed both girl’s foreheads before retreating.

“What?” Harry smiled, cheeks dusting pink.

“Nothing.” Louis smiled and then a thought passed through Louis’ mind that scared the shit out of him. He wanted to kiss Harry. In that moment, he wanted to lean up into Harry and kiss him.

“You okay?” Harry whispered, the two of them heading to Louis’ room. Apparently Louis’ panic showed clearly.

“Oh. Yeah.” Louis busied himself with getting some pajamas for Harry. “Your mom is letting you stay the night right?”

“Yeah. She said that she was calling the school tomorrow to make sure that I go though. And, um Lou?” Harry asked, holding up the pajamas.

“What’s up?”

“Are you sure these will fit me?” A bit of insecurity showed through Harry’s thick wall so Louis decided not to make him try them on. He’d just.

“Um, here.” He went to his drawer again, pulling out a shirt that he had stuffed in the back. “This is um. Mark’s. It should fit. And um, you can just wear your boxers if you want.”

Harry dressed right there, reminding Louis that he wasn’t really uncomfortable with being naked. It was a weird concept for Louis. But he was distracted by seeing Harry in Mark’s shirt. He hadn’t even looked at that thing in a really long time.

“Who’s Mark?” Harry whispered into the dark room when they’d settled into Louis’ bed.

“My dad.”

“You never talk about your dad.” It wasn’t really a push for Louis to continue, just an observation.

“Yeah.” Louis sighed, deciding to continue. “He um. He used to take me to football games and have guy days with me since we were the only guys in the house. It was nice. His birthday is coming up too.”

“What happened?” Harry approached the subject timidly as if he were walking on eggshells.

“He cheated on my mom and then he just … left.” Louis’ heart was pounding, every beat spreading the pain that he liked to pretend didn’t exist. There was more to the story but he was not ready to talk about that.

“How long has it been since you’ve seen him?”

“I lost track. I um, it’s ridiculous but I used to just sit there at the front door, watching the driveway. I’d have all my football gear on, waiting for him to come take me to a game. And then one day, I just realized that, that he never would come back. My mom wishes he was dead.”

“Lou.” Harry turned on his side, pulling Louis into him. “I’m so sorry.”

“’S okay.” Louis shrugged. “Harry?”

“Hm?”

“Tell me something about you. Something that you’ve never told anyone before.” Louis was aching to not be the only vulnerable one. He needed it.

“There’s someone.” Harry starts and Louis’ stomach drops. “Someone that I um. Well. Okay so like. I hate what Nick did to me. I’m so hurt that I can’t even describe. But the reason I even started hooking up with him is because I was trying to get my mind off of someone else. Someone who um, would never like me too.”

“Well, how do you know that?” Louis asked, hurting for some reason. He didn’t like the idea of Harry with someone else.

“For starters, he’s in a relationship with someone else. And um, I don’t know how I could be more obvious. So I um. I got tired of seeing him with someone else. I got tired of waiting.”

“Well, if there’s one thing that I learned about love, it’s that sometimes it takes a long time to bloom.” Louis quoted the paper given to him. He still yearned for it to be from Harry. He wished that the guy that Harry was talking about was him. But that is next to impossible. And, the thought alone terrified Louis. “And I’m still sorry about what happened with Nick.”

“It’s okay. I’m sorry that I didn’t listen to you. I was a dick. I’m glad that you forgave me. I don’t know what I’d do without you.” Harry whispered, arms tightening around Louis.

“Me either.”

-

On the first of March, it actually snowed which meant a snow day. Jay decided to take the girls for a girls day so Louis sat at home alone. He honestly wasn’t bothered since he knew that he and his mum were overdue for some time together. They’d get there eventually. For most of the day, Louis fucked around on his laptop, playing games or surfing facebook (accepting Harry’s friend request and then stalking him). However, something that Niall had said to him at the Valentine’s Day party kept running through his mind. They were talking about his sexuality and he said ‘I looked it up for days’. Did that mean that Louis could look it up? With an anxious heart, Louis went to google and slowly typed, heart beating faster with every word. ‘Am I gay?’

Louis clicked on the first result which was from vistriai.com. He waited forever for the page to load, stupid wifi. The long wait made his nerves grow and grow. The test was just a whole bunch of pictures asking who he thought was more attractive and Louis could admit, some of the men making sexual faces were a few of his choices for the most attractive. Louis blushed, continuing on. When he finally submitted all of his answers, he held his breath. Honestly, he kind of expected the page to start flashing and screaming that he was a flaming homo but it was nothing like that. There was this graph and stuff. Louis scored a 187 which was in the category of ‘Almost certainly not heterosexual, could be homosexual or bisexual’. No. No this test, it was wrong. No. He’s not. He’s. He should have scored in the ‘Certainly heterosexual’ category. No. He would never tell anyone about this. Ever. He slammed his laptop shut and started crying.

He took out his phone and pulled up a selfie that Eleanor had taken on his phone when he wasn’t looking. He was going to do this, he was. He shoved his hand down his pants and desperately tried to think of her and get hard.

After a solid minute in which his penis showed no interest, Louis started sobbing. Not just the shocked tears that he’d had after he found the results on the test but sobbing, helpless tears because that test may be right.

-

He thought about it a lot, became obsessed with it, even. Louis took several other tests, probably in the hundreds. At some point in his ‘research’, he started answering as he thought a heterosexual man would just to see the result that he wasn’t gay. But he’s not gay is the thing. That test was wrong. There’s no way that he’s gay. He plays football, that’s a straight guy thing. But he also loves to sing and dance. And he has a love for colored skinny jeans. But, he thinks that Eleanor is hypothetically attractive. So yeah. And like, he’s learned to tolerate holding hands. Most days. He’s. He’s not gay. It’s just that he’s become obsessed with the idea of taking tests and such to see if other, random people can conclude that his actions make him seem gay. Louis was so fucking confused.

“Louis, sweetie,” Jay was washing dishes as Louis was drying them. She’d actually decided to stay home on her day off which was a welcome surprise. He did love his mother even if it didn’t always seem like it.

“Hm?” She handed him the pan that held their greens earlier than night.

“I put in at work to have your last day of school off so that you and I can go out and do something together.”

“That’s cool.” It wasn’t that he wasn’t interested in spending some quality mother-son time with Jay, it was more that he’d become hyper aware of how sensitive he always was. How he wore his heart on his sleeve and he worried if that made him appear gay. So he’d been trying to act more cold about things because, that makes sense.

“So what do you want to do? I was thinking dinner and maybe some shopping. You probably need some more summer clothes. I know you need some new swim trunks so we can swing by the mall and see what they have. Does that sound good? If you want to do something else, I won’t be offended.”

“No, dinner and shopping sounds good.” He grabbed the last dish of the night, drying it off slowly.

“Lou, you know that you can tell me anything right? Anything at all. I will always love you, okay? No matter what you do, I will always be your mother and you will always be my sweet, precious baby boy. I love you so much darling.” She leaned over and planted a wet kiss on Louis’ cheek.

“Ew, okay.” He cringed, wiping at his cheek. However, Jay’s words made a knot twist into Louis’ stomach.

“Okay so um, how’s school going?” She wiped at her hands as the sink drained.

“Good. It’s easier to focus now that I’m not trying to captain the titanic. And by that I mean, trying to do too many things at once.”

“Well that’s good. Sometimes you’ve got to know what you can and can’t handle – “

“Um, is there a point you’re trying to make or something because I have homework that I need to go work on.” He tried to say it in the nicest way possible. Jay was no exception to the fact that a parent will talk your ear off for hours uninterrupted.

“Yes, actually.” Jay shifted just a bit nervously. “I just wanted to check and see where you were at with Eleanor.”

“Oh. Um. We’re good, just – “

“No, I meant. Louis I know that you and her have been dating for a while now and when things start to get serious with someone you like, well you might want to start doing things with them – “

“Oh. My. God. Mum. No. I’m not hearing this – “

“I just want to make sure that you’re not being stupid about this Louis!” Jay’s voice carried out over Louis’. “I know you’re fifteen now. You’re probably having…urges. And that’s okay, it’s normal – “

“Mum, seriously stop.” Louis wasn’t fucking kidding. This was not a conversation he was ready for. In any sense. Technically he wasn’t having sex yet so he didn’t even need this talk.

“I know, I was fifteen once too. I had a boyfriend then too and I know what – “

“EW. Just no. Mum please listen, Eleanor and I haven’t – “

“You think you know someone, you think that being intimate with them will make them want you but listen, it’s not you they want. Its what you can give them. They just want – “

“Oh my god mum. I have to say it don’t I, you’re going to make me say it – “

“Masturbation and sex feel good yes, but – “

“MUM!” Louis nearly screamed, face on fire. “I’m a virgin okay?! Eleanor and I haven’t even done anything remotely sexual so just please, stop.”

“Babe, you don’t have to be embarrassed about this, it’s just a part of life. But I am so proud of you, you know that? And I love you. I know that you think you love her but that part of your relationship doesn’t come until way later okay? Don’t make stupid decisions like I did, you’ll only end up hurt.”

“I don’t love her.” Louis said before he could stop himself. “I mean like, not presently anyway. I could fall in love.” Louis hated himself for quoting something that Harry had told him relating to Nick. But it was the first cover that he could think of. It’s clearly weird that he doesn’t feel like he’s in love with her so there’s just another thing that he needs to hide.

“Well, just remember not to rush things. You’re young. Sex isn’t for you yet.” She kissed his forehead. “I love you.”

Louis waited approximately five minutes before calling up Harry.

“Lou?” Harry answered, sounding exhausted. “What’s up?”

“Did I wake you?” Louis asked regretfully.

“Nah, I was just resting my eyes. What did you need?”

“My mum just gave me ‘The Talk’! It was so fucking awkward I just had to share the pain with someone.” Louis was laughing as quietly as he could manage.

“That’s fucking gold!” Harry laughed. “My mum trying to give me ‘The Talk’ was super embarrassing. She looked up all these things about gay sex but she clearly wasn’t in her element. But hey, overall it just means that they care about us being safe.”

“Yeah, or just making sure I’m not having sex at all.” He groaned frustrated.

“Are you? Um. Like having sex I mean.” Harry stammered through the sentence and Louis panicked. He did not want to lie to Harry as he had with the other boys. But he didn’t want to tell the truth and have it come out that he was lying. Lying about having sex when you’re actually a virgin and being caught in that lie is worse than just straight up saying you’re a virgin. Which is what Louis should have done in the first place and then he wouldn’t even be having this fucking issue.

“Um. I mean. I’m sure you don’t want to hear about it. Like since it’s me and a girl and you’re well. Yeah.” Louis thinks that he’d rather be back in the kitchen talking with Jay than finishing this conversation.

“So you think that just because I’m gay that I don’t want to hear about you and Eleanor?” Harry was offended, that much was clear.

“No it’s not that, it’s just. Um. I didn’t want to make you uncomfortable.” Fuck this is not where this phone call was supposed to go. He was supposed to just laugh with Harry over the weak attempt at ‘The Talk’ that Jay had just given. Not this.

“If I was uncomfortable I wouldn’t have asked.” Harry says like it’s the most obvious thing in the world. And really, it is. But Louis was still stalling.

“We had sex.” Louis whispered in defeat. His heart sunk, knowing that he was weaving a really tangled web. The other end goes silent and for a moment, he was afraid that Harry had hung up. He had to fix this. “If anyone asks, we had sex.”

“Wait, what does that mean? You told people that you two had sex but you really didn’t?” Harry sounded surprised yet oddly relieved. Or maybe Louis was just imagining things.

“Yeah.” Louis admitted in shame. “Don’t tell anyone the truth, please?”

“I won’t Boo, I promise.” Harry sounded gentle and it made Louis’ heart flutter. “Why though? Why not just let the truth be out there? Let me tell you, being honest is the best feeling in the world.”

“I did it because. Well. We almost did. But I sort of.” Louis debated telling Harry that Eleanor didn’t want to just so that he would look like he wanted it but he couldn’t. Something about Harry just made Louis want to say fuck it to all the rules that he had for himself so that he wouldn’t appear gay. “Well, I didn’t want to. I’m not ready yet and I sort of ran off. Which is why I showed up at your house like an idiot.”

“Not an idiot.” Harry said firmly. “An idiot would’ve had sex with her knowing he wasn’t ready and doing it anyway.”

“You sure it doesn’t make me look like a girl?” Louis asked insecurely.

“Well that’s kind of sexist, isn’t it Lou? You, as a person, have the right to say no and all you did was exercise that right. In fact, I’m proud of you. But next time, try not to be sexist. Girls tend to be more emotional than men, yes. But that is in no way a negative thing. ‘Looking like a girl’ isn’t a negative thing.”

“You’re right, I’m sorry. My dad – Mark um, he used to call me a girl if I ever cried in public. ‘S a bit of a habit I guess.”

“I’m not trying to like, make you feel bad or anything. Just something to think about. But that’s fucked up what your dad said to you. I cry all the time, it’s not a bad thing.”

“What do you cry about?” Louis asked out loud without even realizing it.

“Broken heart, mostly.” Harry said without missing a beat.

“Nick is a fucking bastard – “ Louis ranted angrily.

“Not over Nick. I mean, yes. I am broken over Nick. But it’s the other guy – “

“What’s he doing now?” He asked, almost wishing that Harry wouldn’t talk to him about this kind of stuff. It hurt. But he loved Harry no matter what.

“He’s sad and I can’t figure out why. I think his relationship is having issues or something.” Harry sounded so nonchalant.

“Gah,” Louis gasped. “Just tell me who he is!”

“Nah,” And Louis could practically hear Harry smirking.

“Why are you so secretive about your men?”

“I have my reasons.”

“You’re dumb.” Louis accidentally maybe flirted a little. He couldn’t help it though. He’d flirt with a couch, it’s just how his personality is.

“What?” He was feigning innocence. That fuck. “I just love to see you putting on your Detective Beckett hat and trying to put all the clues together.”

“You’re lame. Why are we friends?” He pretended like what Harry just said wasn’t one hundred percent accurate. It wasn’t okay? He was just curious, that’s all. And maybe just a tad jealous. But he didn’t need to know all that.

“Because you love me.”

“I do.” Louis’ heart started beating fast.

“And I love you so we’re even.”

-

“C’mon babe, come sit with us. Even though you’re not in the play this semester, we still miss you.” Eleanor was practically begging for Louis to go sit with the theater kids at lunch. And he wanted to, he did. But Liam was over there, laughing about something ridiculous and Niall looked like he was giving a proper speech about the apple that he held in his hand, Zayn listening intently. And Harry, well, Harry was looking straight at him.

“I’m kinda,” Louis didn’t break from his eye contact with Harry. And then he lost his train of thought.

“Louis,” Eleanor let out a frustrated sigh. “Fine, go sit with your boyfriend. Not like I matter or anything. Sorry for wanting to spend time with you.”

And well, that caught Louis’ attention.

“Eleanor,” Louis laughed, feeling the sass rising. “Your attempts at starting a fight are cute. Cute, but immature. Your insecurity is showing. Put it away.”

“Are you fucking kidding me?” Eleanor was fuming. People’s heads were starting to turn. But all that Louis could feel was Harry’s eyes on him. “You wanna talk about immature? How’s this for immature: you can’t even get it up when we fool around and then you go around telling people that you fucked me?!”

Louis heard several snickers from those who were close enough to hear what she’d said. His entire face just drooped. And he saw the exact moment that Eleanor realized what she did. Her face morphed into one of surprise and guilt but Louis didn’t stay much longer to see anything else. He ran straight to his table of friends. He refused to cry over that bitch. Yep, he just called his own girlfriend a bitch. He didn’t say it out loud though, so it was okay.

As he took his seat across from Harry, Louis blinked back the tears. They weren’t close enough to hear it so that was a relief. Well, Harry obviously knew the truth but still. He ignored all the looks, especially the pleading ones from Eleanor. In that moment, Louis thought of something he never really let himself before. He was unhappy with Eleanor. And not only was he unhappy but he didn’t really want to be in a relationship with her anymore.

“Guys, I’m gonna hit the loo really fast, I’ll be back.” Louis got up from the table and headed to the men’s room. He did his business quickly, zipping up and ready to head back into the cafeteria. And then the bathroom door creaked open.

“Well, well, well look who it is.” Louis would recognize that voice anywhere. Chris.

“Get away from me.” Louis stood firm as Chris stalked toward him.

“Or what?” Chris took another step forward, now up in Louis’ face. “You gonna hit me?”

“No.” Louis gritted out. As much as he’d love to punch Chris in the face until he couldn’t anymore, he would get in so much trouble if he did.

“You know,” Chris slid a creepy hand across Louis’ neck. “You can drop this act. It’s so obvious what you are.”

“Don’t,” Louis’ voice shook just the tiniest bit. “Don’t fucking touch me.”

“Why not?” His voice was dripping in venom and Louis was starting to panic. “You afraid that you’ll ‘get it up’ for me?”

Louis closed his eyes and brought his knee up as hard as he possibly could, making contact with Chris’ groin. Instantly the other boy dropped, yelling out in pain.

“Go on,” Chris gritted out from the floor. “Just know that you can’t keep running forever. Faggot.”

He left that bathroom, more shaken up than ever before. Chris had just fucking cornered him in the bathroom. And for the first time, Louis actually felt unsafe. He hurried back to his table, uneasy with being alone.

All throughout the rest of the day, he searched for his friends after class, sticking by them as long as possible. Harry was the only one who seemed to notice this change. On their way to wait for Harry’s mom (they had to work on some stupid English project), Harry brought it up.

“What’s up, Lou?”

“Nothing,” Louis stepped so close that their arms kept brushing. “Just waiting like you are.”

“No, I mean like, you’re acting weird.”

“No I’m not.” Louis said, panicking.

Luckily, Anne had just pulled up, saving Louis from the rest of the conversation.

Admittedly, it was hard to focus on the project that they had to do. Up in Harry’s room, the last thing that they were thinking about was English. Instead, they were busy gossiping.

“I heard that that Perrie girl that Niall tried to set Zayn up with is dating some guy from the play.” Harry said, stuffing some crisps into his mouth.

“Who?” Louis adjusted on the bed next to Harry.

“Don’t recall the name. Apparently he’s Eleanor’s ex though. I heard she’s pissed.”

“Oh.” Louis suddenly remembered what had happened at lunch that day. “Did you – “

“Oh! And guess what?!” Harry suddenly got super animated. “Remember that guy that you punched?”

Louis simply nodded, not trusting his voice at the moment.

“He was caught wanking in the bathroom during lunch today! How gross, right?”

“What?!” Louis hadn’t meant for it to come out as strongly as it had. But like. No, cause Louis was in there. Or maybe he’d done it after Louis left. But just, ew. Nasty. “That’s disgusting.”

“Yeah, I mean really. I get that sometimes things happen during the day at school but just tuck and go with it.” Harry shrugged but Louis was gasping.

“What?”

“What do you mean what?” Harry flushed just the slightest bit but it didn’t compare to how red Louis was. Normally, he would just let his sex questions go unanswered but there was something about Harry that made Louis want to ask every question in the world, hanging on to his seat waiting for Harry’s answer. Harry made him feel comfortable to ask.

“You’ve….gotten an erection at school?” Louis broke eye contact, feeling embarrassed. He’d never experienced that. Mostly he would get them when he was asleep, not out in public.

“Why do you say ‘erection’ that’s like so…proper? And yes, especially in middle school but still sometimes. I can’t believe you haven’t.”

“Oh.” Louis was so embarrassed. “Um, that’s what they’re called. That’s what they call them in health class. When it gets all…hard and stuff. So um, yeah.”

“Well yeah, that’s like the scientific name for it. But like, you’ve never like, called it like a boner or anything? Or like, I don’t know, just a hard cock?”

Louis gasped audibly. He felt shame wash over him because his penis twitched just slightly in his pants.

“Louis, I’ve heard you cuss before. Why are you freaking out over the word cock?” Harry was not being judgmental, more just confused. Louis could see why because he himself was confused.

“I-I don’t know.” Louis shrugged, beginning to feel uncomfortable.

“Oh, I get it. Never mind.” Harry brushed it off, starting to wrap up the bag of crisps.

“What do you mean?”

“Well, like. Niall’s told me before that you aren’t very good with sexual stuff so.” Harry shrugged like it was no big deal. “I forgot. Also, sorry if that was like, uncomfortable for you or whatever. I honestly forgot.”

“Wait,” Louis suddenly didn’t feel good. He was struck with the urge to cry, feeling like he’d been betrayed. “Niall told you about that?”

“Shit,” Harry gasped, looking as if he’d just remembered he left the oven on or something. “I wasn’t supposed to tell you that. Fuck. I – just don’t say anything to Niall, please.”

“Why would he tell you that?” There was an unmistakable quiver in Louis’ voice. Fuck, so much for not appearing gay. Here he was, about to cry. “I trusted him with that.”

“Lou,” Harry tried to put his arm around Louis, speaking gently. But it only served to drive Louis away. “Hey, c’mon. It’s not Niall’s fault, I asked him about it.”

“But like. He doesn’t even know really. I just. I um,” Louis’ voice cracked, his attempts at squashing down the tears going down the drain. He tried to hold back any sounds but he failed, letting out a tiny sob. Louis was so embarrassed, he just wanted to go back home and curl into a ball and disappear forever.

“Hey,” Harry became so soft, Louis’ heart fluttered just the tiniest bit. This time, Louis let Harry’s arm go around him but only so he could hide from Harry. He turned his face away, covering it in his hands. “Babe, why the tears?”

“B-because.” Was the only thing that Louis offered as an explanation.

“Listen, it’s not Niall’s fault. Don’t be upset with him. I was the one who asked about it. And he made me promise not to say anything, it wasn’t him, it was me, darling.”

Something about the petname made Louis melt just a little further into Harry’s arms. He liked that, that feeling of being taken care of when he was in distress, he longed for it. Harry’s arms and Harry’s words felt so much better than Eleanor’s. Just the thought of her name sent Louis into a further pit of embarrassment. She’d publically confronted him about it. So now not only did Harry know that he was different but the whole school knew too. He was a freak. A freak who was weird about sex.

“Hey, shhh,” Harry held just a bit tighter, feeling Louis get more distressed. “It’s okay. Lou, look at me.”

Louis just shook his head, perfectly content with hiding until he could make his escape and hide in a dark hole where no one in the world could ever find him again. Apparently Harry’s plans were different.

“Please, c’mon, it’s okay. Don’t hide your face from me.” He gently lifted Louis’ face until they were looking at each other. “Don’t be upset because Niall told me, please. I’m sorry that I asked and I’m sorry I brought it up, it was stupid of me.”

“That’s not why I’m upset, entirely.” Louis whispered, wiping at his puffy eyes.

“Why are you upset?” The tone that Harry held was a whole new side of him that Louis had never seen before but he liked it, a lot.

Louis’ eyes dropped to his lap. “’m embarrassed.” He admitted softly.

“There’s nothing to be embarrassed about.” Harry assured, rubbing at Louis’ arms comfortingly.

“Really? Because I seem to be the only one who…” Louis’ voice broke again. “Who fucking cries all the time and can’t, isn’t – “

“It’s okay, you don’t have to talk about it.” And that’s when Louis realized something. Pretty much the entire time that he’d been dating Eleanor, she’d been understanding of his thing with sex but also she wanted to talk about it, wanted to know why. And maybe if she’d waiting some time, let him come to her about it, he’d have been willing to talk with her about it. But with Harry, he just knew that Louis didn’t want to explain what the thing was. Fuck, he didn’t even understand what the thing was.

“Harry,” Louis let out, not understanding what he was feeling for the boy sitting next to him.

“You’re not the only one by the way. It’s totally normal to be like, uncomfortable. I mean there are some people who don’t even want to have sex you know. Not saying that you are necessarily one of those people, just, sexuality is a very complex thing – “

“Oh, I’m not gay.” Louis quickly put in.

“That’s just my point.” Harry retorted, clearly passionate about this subject. “Sexuality doesn’t come down to either you're gay, straight, or bi. It’s so much more than that. There’s pansexual, asexual, demisexual, and so many more. And even those set labels don’t define anything – “

“Harry,” Louis had to stop him. It was too much. He felt overwhelmed. He didn’t want to talk about sex or sexuality or any of that.

“Sorry,” Harry apologized with a blush. “I just really love talking about LGBTQIA+ related stuff. Didn’t mean to freak you out.”

Louis had so many questions, his head felt like it was spinning. What are all these sexuals that Harry had said? And what was that LQ word? But he didn’t want to ask them. He was straight anyway so none of that mattered.

“We should probably get a start on our project.” Harry said into the silence and the moment had passed.

-

“Louis, sweetie,” Jay said from the opposite end of the couch. Both of them had sleeping little girls leaning on them. “Can I ask you something?”

“Sure.” Louis shrugged, nearly half asleep himself. It’d been a long day of presenting their project and avoiding Eleanor and the nasty whispers and he was exhausted.

“Do you miss having a father figure?”

“What?” Louis was shocked. Jay almost never, ever brought up Mark. “I mean, yeah, I kind of miss Mark but like – “

“Not Mark, honey. I just meant a father figure in general. You know, someone to kick around the football with or … talk about girlfriends or dating or manly stuff.”

“Um.” Had Louis not been manly enough? Did he act like a girl too much? Harry wouldn’t approve of Louis having those thoughts. “Why do you ask?” He says in an attempt to get away from those thoughts.

“No reason,” She says quickly. “I just think that it’s important for you, and the girls, to have a dad.”

“Oh.” This was officially the weirdest conversation that he’d ever had with his mum.

“Wanna help me take the twins up to bed?”

And they were past it, thankfully.

-

Louis woke up three days after the whole Eleanor incident, almost in a panic. Right there on his newsfeed was a new status from Eleanor. Her relationship status changed to ‘it’s complicated’ and Louis was freaking out. Why the fuck would she change it without talking to him first? And why would she do something like this publicly again? God, he was so over her. That thought caused Louis to gasp out loud. No, he wasn’t over her. She was his girlfriend and he wasn’t gay. Which meant he couldn’t be over her.

As soon as he got to school, instead of hanging out with his friends in the commons, he went to find Eleanor.

“Oh my god, Louis,” Some theater kids came running up to him. “We heard. What’s going on? Is it because, well, you know. What happened at lunch? Because we totally heard that she was lying to make you look bad!”

“Um.” Louis wasn’t even sure how he should respond to that.

“It’s okay, you don’t have to talk about it if it’s too hard.” A different girl said, fakeness dripping through her teeth.

He just walked away. In his few months that he spent hanging out with the theater crowd, he knew that there were some who thought it was all one big game. Who ever gets the lead is on top and it goes down from there. Louis didn’t really believe in that. He just liked acting. He was starting to become curious though, if it was all just a game with Eleanor. Did she only get with him because she saw that he had the potential to become her male lead?

He found her coming out of one of the girls restrooms on the east side of the school building. One look at Louis and all her girlfriends scattered.

“Hey,” He started lamely.

“Really? Three days of nothing and then all you have to say is ‘hey’?” Okay, wow she was mad. “So you saw the thing on Facebook huh? Is that why you want to talk to me?”

“Yeah,” Louis admitted. Briefly he wondered how long he would have spent avoiding her if she hadn’t posted what she did. Certainly not for much longer. Maybe.

“C’mon. We’re going somewhere private to talk.” She led him back to the hallway that connected the theater and the choir room. It was easily the emptiest hall of the entire school. “Talk.”

“Okay, no need to be so rude.” Louis huffed sassily. “I was – am pissed about what you said in lunch the other day. That’s why I’ve been fucking ignoring you, because that shit was not okay – “

“Oh but you telling the whole school that we fucked is okay?”

“No!” Louis said quickly, face getting red. “I didn’t – I told my friends that’s it.”

“Well your ‘friends’ are telling people your shit behind your back then. Because I had three different people coming up to me that day saying that I cured you.”

“’Cured’ me?”

“Just, don’t worry – “

“No,” Louis interrupted fiercely, already having a dreading feeling of what it meant. “What does that mean?”

“There’s. Well, there’s kinda a thing going around that you’re. That you’re gay. But it’s dumb, don’t even let it get to you.”

“Well,” Louis was quick to change the subject. “You still shouldn’t have said anything about my … issue with um, yeah.”

“You’re right. I shouldn’t have done that, I’m sorry.”

“Is that why you changed to the complicated thing?”

“No, I changed it because you have refused to talk to me for the last three days.” There was a bit of an attitude but she did look remorseful.

“I’m sorry.” Was the only thing that Louis had to offer.

The bell rang, signaling that they had just five minutes to get to their first class of the day.

“Walk me to class?” She asked hopefully and really, Louis couldn’t deny her.

“Um,” Louis cleared his throat as they began walking to her class, which was all the way on the other side of the building from where his English class was at. “So when’s opening night for Strange Borders?”

“It’s in two weeks. You’re going to come right?”

“Of course.”

Louis was late to class. Harry tried to make conversation with him but Louis was just disengaged. He couldn’t help but think that his relationship with Eleanor had changed so much from when they first started going out back in October that it didn’t even feel like a relationship. He sat there and counted, five months. They’d been together for almost five months and he still wasn’t happy. With every passing day, he hated it more. He was even beginning to dread Eleanor. Not that she wasn’t a great person but just, he was so done. He was done holding her hand and kissing her lips and he was just done with all the drama that’s been in his life ever since he started his damn freshman year. Fuck, he couldn’t wait for the summer.

“Hey, can I ask you a question and you be completely honest with me?” Harry asked as the two exited their English class after the bell.

“Yeah,” Louis hesitated, looking around to see if anyone was paying attention.

“Why are you sad?”

It was such a loaded, yet vague question that Louis wasn’t even sure how to begin answering. He was sad about a lot of things in life. He was sad that he almost always gets to lunch five minutes later than everyone else because his class is the farthest away; he gets sad when his mum forgets to wash his favorite pair of skinny jeans, and he’s sad when Donny loses a game. But Louis knows that isn’t the kind of sadness that Harry’s talking about.

“Um,” Louis hesitated, unsure of how to go about the answer. Vague sounds good. “Eleanor and I are um, having a lot of problems. And sometimes I hate my home life.” There. That sounds vague enough.

“I feel like you and Eleanor have been having problems ever since you got together.” He observes. Louis’ first instinct is to get defensive but he comes to the realization that it’s true.

“I guess.” Louis settles for vague yet again. The two of them stand at the middle point between their second classes of the day.

“You know,” Harry said, voice getting just a bit drowned out by the bell. “If you don’t like the relationship, you could always just end it.”

Louis’ brain knows no chill. Over the next two weeks, he becomes obsessed again with the idea of gayness. He searches and searches google, watches about a million videos on youtube, and even writes a letter to himself. He wasn’t sure how that would help but the internet recommended it so. He also becomes consumed by the thought of ending things with Eleanor.

When he and Liam are working out, Eleanor is on his mind. When Niall and Louis spend three hours shaping up for next football season, he’s thinking about Eleanor. When he and Zayn have a Trivia Crack battle on the bus home from school, he’s thinking about Eleanor. It seems the only time he’s not really thinking about Eleanor is when he wakes up with a tent in his pants.

However, he’s come to the conclusion that he doesn’t want to break up with her. It would be too risky because as he’s been informed, people in school already think he’s gay. This relationship with Eleanor is the only thing that keeps him looking straight. So until he can find the right girl (because he’s not fucking gay god dammit) he’ll stay with her. It sounds bleak but it’s what’s got to be done.

Opening night, Louis buys her flowers. He’s not even sure which are her favorite so he buys her tulips because those are Jay’s favorite. Jay drops him off at the school, and the plan is for him to go to her house after the show to have dinner and just hang out. Louis invited Niall and Zayn to come with him so that he wouldn’t have to be alone. What he didn’t realize is how much of a third wheel he’d be.

Zayn and Niall weren’t officially labeled as a couple yet but it was bound to happen any day. They were pretty open about their relationship and Louis sometimes hated that. He always felt this weird sense of yearning whenever he watched their open affection for each other.

The first act of the play was really, really good. It was quickly becoming one of Louis’ favorites. It was a hard play to act and he was so proud of all his friends up there and Eleanor too. She may be a bit cocky about it sometimes but she really did have true talent.

“Gonna hit the loo real fast,” Niall said as soon as intermission was announced. He placed a quick kiss on Zayn’s cheek and was off. Louis watched the way that Zayn’s eyes sparkled just the tiniest bit.

“Hey,” Louis said suddenly feeling very guilty. “I’m so sorry about um, you know that one time when I kinda was rude about the thing with you and Niall.”

“What do you mean?” His face showed confusion.

“When I brought up the Niall match making thing a while back. It was wrong of me. You guys are um, you guys are cute together.” He blushed, hating admitting his feelings but it came out so there.

“Oh. It’s okay, Lou. You’ve already apologized and I’ve already forgiven you.” Zayn pulled his fingers through his quiff offhandedly.

“Yeah, but seeing you guys just fit together just makes me feel so bad for trying to destroy that. Especially because it was basically for no reason. God, this year has just been full of fucking dumb decisions for me.”

“For everyone, Lou. God, do you know how many stupid decisions I made this year? Fucking tons. But you also made some really good decisions this year too. Don’t focus on the negative.”

“Like what?” So maybe Louis was fishing for compliments just a bit. But it was nice to be reminded occasionally that you aren’t a complete failure as a human being.

“How about going out for football? And the musical? Those were both smart decisions. And you know what was also a smart decision? Not going out for the play because you knew that you couldn’t handle the stress of it. Also, you’re really good at choosing friends, obviously.” He brushed off his shoulder comically and the two were laughing too much to remember the seriousness of the conversation.

“What did I miss?” Niall asked, coming and taking his spot between Zayn and Louis.

The lights went back down and the mood got more serious as the drama unfolded on stage. Louis will admit that he cried a little at the end. Okay, he cried a lot. Whatever.

When Eleanor emerged from backstage and joined the group of three, things got awkward really quickly. She had never really hung out with Louis’ group and they weren’t sure exactly how to approach the situation.

“Hey El!” Niall gave no fucks. “You were great up there.”

“Thanks!” She smiled brightly, pulling Louis into her side. “Still wish this one would’ve been up there with me but what can you do?”

“Yeah,” Niall laughed a bit awkwardly. It was weird, seeing Niall and Zayn mirror the position that he and Eleanor were in.

“So,” Louis chided in quickly. “We best get going, yeah?”

“Sure! See you lads later!” Eleanor smiled sweetly before leading Louis to the exit.

“Your friends don’t like me much.” She says to the steering wheel.

“That’s not true,” Louis weakly denies. It’s not that they don’t like her, more that they don’t know her. None of his boys had taken the time to try to get to know Eleanor and she hadn’t taken the time to get to know any of them. Was that weird for having dated this person for five months?

“It’s alright, as long as I got you.”

“Have you,” Louis whispers, fiddling with the radio.

“Hm?”

“It’s as long as I have you.” Louis says louder.

“Whatever,” She brushed it off. And then they were in a long moment of silence all the way until they reached her house.

“Are your parents gone again?” Louis asked, noticing the empty garage.

“Yeah,” She smiled knowingly. “Oh the beauty of parents in the medical field.”

“I hate when my mom has to do twelve hour shifts.” Louis said without meaning to. He always hated how she viewed her parents’ absence as a good thing.

“Sure,” She was clearly not interested in continuing that conversation. “Listen, I’m going to take a shower really quick and then we can get the night started.”

“Okay.” Louis felt a huge sense of awkward wash over him. He did not like the tone in her voice. Nerves twisted in his stomach so he focused on looking at all the different trophies and awards that decorated her room. He’d seen them a million times before but he always managed to find a new one he’d overlooked.

She was in the shower for what seemed like for-fucking-ever. Louis got so bored he resorted to taking one of her books off of her shelf and cracking it open. By the third paragraph on page fourteen, the bathroom door creaked open.

“Hey,” She smiled, wearing only her robe. The nerves were back so quick.

“Um hey,” Louis averted his gaze, waiting for her to grab some clothes to go back and change or something.

“So it was our five month anniversary the other day. I forgot to get you something.” She continued to smile and Louis did not like this.

“Oh. No, it’s okay. I um, I didn’t get you anything so um – oh my god!” Right in the middle of his sentence, Eleanor loosened the ties on her robe until it fell on the floor. And she was naked. Louis’ immediate reaction was to cover his eyes and turn away.

“Louis c’mon. You don’t have to pretend like you don’t want to look.” She was still confident as ever. However, Louis wanted to crawl into a hole.

“Oh this isn’t me ‘pretending’ that I don’t want to look.” He felt sick. He didn’t like this. He didn’t want this. No. abort mission.

“Wait, seriously?” She sounded so surprised and it was Louis’ last straw.

“No, I’ve been having a good laugh this whole time when I’ve said that I wanted to take it slow, yeah this was one big joke hahahah, not. Now if you would please cover your … areas – “

“Can I ask you something?” The tone in her voice had completely changed.

“Um no. Please clothe yourself.” Louis turned towards her but he had his eyes squeezed shut with his hands still shielding him.

“Are you gay?”

“What?” Louis was dumbfounded. No one had ever just straight up asked him that. At least not like this. Especially considering the naked girl.

“Are you actually gay?” She wasn’t fucking around.

“No, I’m not, Eleanor, you should know we’ve been dating.” Duh dumbass, Louis wanted to say. He held his tongue though, that talk would not help them at all.

“Touch me.” It wasn’t exactly a demand, more like a plea.

“How about no.”

“Louis,” She reached for his hand, tugging it until it was on her.

Louis’ eyes opened and he realized that he was touching her breast and then he freaked out. He pulled his hand back so hard, he nearly knocked himself over.

“WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?” He absolutely screamed. He could see fear pass through Eleanor’s eyes but he did not give a f u c k.

“Am I that repulsive?” She asked in a small voice, tears forming in her eyes. “Why don’t you want me?”

“Eleanor, I just am not interested in having sex with you, Jesus fucking Christ.” Louis was so fucking livid that he had turned to a whisper which was even more scary than when he was yelling at the top of his lungs.

“I think we should break up.” She had let a few tears fall free. “Louis, I think you’re gay.”

“No,” He denied, feeling panic rising. “Take me, take me to Harry.”

“Louis, I don’t – “

He didn’t even finish his sentence, he started running. He wasn’t even sure if she had followed him at all. All he knew was that it was getting hard for him to breathe and he couldn’t stop shaking even though it was actually a pretty nice day out. Louis banged on Harry’s front door with an urgency he’d never felt before.

“Louis?” Harry answered and Louis basically fell into his arms. “What’s wrong? Louis? Mum!! Something’s wrong with Louis! MUM!”

Louis couldn’t breathe, he felt like his was choking and he was shaking and none of this felt like it was even happening. He could hear Anne running in the room and the two of them talking. He also vaguely realizes that Harry’s gotten him to the couch in their livingroom. Things start to become a little more clear as he hears Harry taking slow breaths and then Louis realizes that he’s talking,

“Concentrate on your breathing, Louis. Stay here with me. C’mon.” And then Harry’s breathing slowly again. “I’m so proud of you, Louis.”

“That’s it, Louis,” He hears Anne say and Louis starts to feel himself calming down.

“Tell me what you need, Louis.” Harry says in a calm, gentle voice and it actually evokes a response.

“Water,” He rasped, sitting up just a little bit. Louis watched as Anne literally ran to get the water for him.

“How are you feeling?” Harry asked him, looking so concerned, it was kind of concerning to Louis.

“What just happened?” He asked, not quite sure.

“You had a panic attack it seems.” Anne had returned, handing Louis the glass filled with water. “Do you want me to take you back home, sweetie?”

“Um,” Louis snuggled just a bit closer to Harry so that he was cuddled into his side. Again, he felt a sense of calm. “No, I think I’ll stay for a bit if that’s okay.”

“It sure is,” Anne gave them a look but Louis was too exhausted to give a fuck.

Louis woke up and Harry still had his arms secured around Louis. He smiled and fell back asleep.

-

Louis got sort of depressed after that night with Eleanor. The next day, he woke up to the notification that Eleanor was single and that’s when it hit him. Staring at those blue words is when he realized that she may have been right. He might be …

School was a fucking stress. It felt like literally everyone had a question about the new relationship status. He didn’t answer anyone. And he hoped to fucking god that Eleanor wouldn’t tell anyone about the actual reason that they broke up and since no one had brought it up to him, he was guessing she hadn’t.

During lunch, Louis leaned heavily on Harry. He couldn’t help it, he needed someone and Harry was there. Not that the others wouldn’t have been but it was just. It was different.

“Um, so, what happened?” Liam was the first to bring up the elephant in the room. Bless his heart.

“We broke up.” Louis didn’t know how to describe what happened.

“Like, why though? You guys seemed fine last night at the play.” Niall chipped in.

“I don’t really want to talk about it, to be honest.” Louis wasn’t really sure how he’d even talk about it. So avoidance was the path he’d chosen. It’d probably explode in his face like everything did but what the fuck ever.

-

The whole school thought that Louis was just taking the break up really hard and he really didn’t bother telling anyone that he wasn’t really upset about the break up. Eleanor was his friend but their relationship was a drag. He wasn’t happy and they were pretty much always fighting. It was pretty obvious that they weren’t right for each other as more than just friends.

He was in a depressed mood because he didn’t know why he couldn’t get an erection when they were fooling around and he didn’t know why he didn’t enjoy touching her breast or why he didn't want to have sex with her at all. He didn’t want that. And all along, he imagined doing things with Harry and kissing him and wanting that letter to be from him and cuddling and just. He wanted that.

So Louis quit laughing and joking as much. His grades dropped (though not enough to fail, his mother would kill him). He played sick a few times. He got too snappy with his sisters when watching them overnight.

-

The rest of the school year passed in a blur of stress and tears. Zayn and Niall finally got together officially. Louis admired them. He wished he had their courage and he hated himself because he didn’t. Liam passed with the highest marks of all the freshman and he got his spot in weights again for next year. Harry tried out for choir and made it.

What did Louis do? He tried to keep up appearances for his friends. He avoided any and all theater kids at any cost. And he especially avoided even eye contact with Eleanor. At nights, after he made sure his sisters were properly put to bed, he would crawl into bed and cry. He didn’t want this life, he didn’t want to be called a fag and know they’re right. He didn’t want to know that he had no fucking control over this. He didn’t want to think about what a fool he made of himself with every second he spent with Eleanor.

Finals came and passed. Louis didn’t fail any classes so that was all he could ask for.

-

Louis was sitting on the bench outside, dreading the day that he’d planned with his mum. She had been talking about their day out together for a really long time so he tried to act as excited as she was but he just wasn’t.

When she’d finally pulled up to the curb, Louis was exhausted, both physically and mentally. He’d get through this hour or so of shopping and then dinner and then he had the whole summer to sulk and try and figure out what the fuck he was going to do with himself.

“Hey baby,” Jay smiled happily. She was dressed to impress yet again. “Ready to summer shop, my little sophomore?”

“Mum, I’m technically not a sophomore until next semester.” He groaned.

“My precious baby is growing up.” She continued as if she hadn’t heard him.

The trip to the mall had been probably the shortest in Louis’ life. He usually loved to shop but at the moment, Louis hated that about himself. So they barely went into any shops and the ones they did go in, they only spent ten minutes or less in.

“Something up, Lou? You haven’t been acting like yourself.” Jay put down probably the twentieth pair of jean shorts that Louis had rejected.

“No,” Louis lied while simultaneously thinking ‘good, I don’t want to be me’.

Eventually, they were done at the mall and headed to the restaurant for dinner. This was the part that Louis was actually excited for. Jay had made reservations for Louis’ favorite French place and his stomach was growling loudly by the time they took their seats.

“Sweetie, we need to talk.” Jay said, not too long after they’d gotten their drinks. When she realized that Louis wasn’t going to respond, she continued. “I don’t really know how else to say it so I’m just going to come right out with it. I’m seeing someone.”

“What?!” Louis gasped loudly, making a few heads turn. “No.”

“It’s time that you move on. I have.”

“Are you guys ready to order?” The waitress had come to their table, asking politely.

“Not yet, we’re waiting for someone.” Jay answered.

“What? Who are we – mum, no.” Louis thought he was going to be sick.

“Louis, sweetheart, c’mon. Daniel’s a really nice guy – “

“I don’t give a fuck about Daniel.” Louis spat.

“Louis William Tomlinson, you do not talk to me in that way, do you understand me?” She demanded and Louis was just fucking done. So fucking done.

“I. DON’T. GIVE. A. FUCK. Do you understand that?” With that, Louis got up from the table and walked out.

“Louis!” She ran after him, calling his name. He did feel a little bad to see that she had started to cry. But then he noticed some man come up to her and hug her. So Louis just got in the car and slammed the door as hard as he could.

Louis watched her point over to him and cry and talk and hug this man. He was glad that she was having such a great fucking time with who ever the fuck that is on the day that was supposed to be their day to do stuff. He didn’t know how she thought that was okay but it wasn’t.

The guy walked over to the van and tapped on the window. Louis ignored him. He opened the door. Louis ignored him.

“Hi, Louis, I’m Daniel.” He introduced, holding his hand out.

Louis ignored him.

“Louis, stop!” His mother sounded fed up.

Louis ignored her.

Everyone eventually got the point that Louis wasn’t about to play the role of overjoyed son, can’t wait for new daddy to play football with me. Jay drove him home, lecturing him the whole time but Louis didn’t hear a single word.

-

“Harry,” Louis cried into his phone at three am that morning. “I hate my life.”

“No, Boo, don’t cry,” Harry sounded like he was close to tears himself.

“I c-can’t stop,” He let out another pitiful sob. “Why me, Harry? Tell me why all this has to happen to me? It’s not fair! It’s not fair!” And then he collapsed into another fit of sobs.

“I wish I was there,” Harry was definitely crying too. “If I was there, I would wrap my arms around you and never let go. Louis, I love you so much.”

“I love you too.”

 


End file.
